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Episode 22: The International Race of Malörtians
2/3 of the hosts get their hands on some Malört, Geno escapes from Crazy Ivan's Gulag, and the crew takes a side quest to create the ideal Stellantis Product
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Caleb
Good morning and welcome to the International Grace of Malortians, coming to you live from where you get your broadcast. On tonight's episode, we have Geno's triumphant return from the Alaskan Foreign Legion. Quick, uh, point of order.
Geno
If Alaska is part of the same country I live in, can it really be a foreign legion?
Justin "The Juice"
That's the joke, Geno, you ruined it!
Geno
Damn it! I don't think I did, 'cause I said point of order. Zeus is about to choke on his last thimbleful of Malort.
Justin "The Juice"
That's what I'm trying to do, I'm failing. There's no more left.
Geno
Oh, you're probably gonna have to have a nice plentiful supply of delicious, delicious Malort.
Caleb
Man, we can't even get through an intro these days. We can't even get through an intro these days without the peanut gallery, without the peanut gallery chiming off.
Geno
Fuck, I could go for some peanuts right now. That'd be really—
Justin "The Juice"
Look, this is— Crazy Ivan's rubbing off on him, man.
Caleb
I'm telling you what, we should have just left him in Crazy Ivan's gulag.
Justin "The Juice"
We just should have. We could have gotten some sandwiches out of it at the very least. We didn't even do that.
Caleb
You know, gotta be careful around the borscht though, especially with the, uh, Especially with a special hot sauce.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it's got my lord in it.
Geno
That's making good borscht is, um, Kramarchek's in Northeast. I sent you that shirt all those years ago.
Caleb
Oh man, yeah.
Geno
That place makes a mean, mean borscht.
Caleb
Getting back to our introduction though, we've got our tales from the Alaskan Foreign Legion, we've got tales of maintenance, we've got tales of the new studio has finally been signed. So to kick off tonight's episode, we're going to the one, the only The chief salmon smoker of the Alaskan Foreign Legion, Gino!
Geno
Uh, yeah, so we, uh, with, uh, some family, the wife and I went on a 9-day cruise, uh, up the Inside Passage of Alaska and I was imprisoned and forced to serve in the Alaskan Foreign Legion. Had to— I don't know where I'm going with this bit.
Caleb
You know, we— now, Justin's theory was that you were dishonorably discharged for having a salmon farming operation in the attic of the barracks. My personal opinion is that was because you got caught smoking salmon in the boys' room.
Justin "The Juice"
So you got to tell it straight.
Geno
Mötley Crüe.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, you and your Mötley Crüe. You gotta, you gotta set the record straight. What actually went down?
Geno
Um, So, uh, you know how the, the British Navy, uh, functions on rum, sodomy, and Valash?
Caleb
As it does.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes.
Geno
Uh, the Alaskan Foreign Legion looks down on all 3 of those things, so I was kicked out immediately.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, well, that explains it.
Geno
Well, it was a, it was a great time. It was our first— well, I guess the second time we've had a real vacation where somebody, you know, where nobody had to work at all during it. So that was nice. Um, scenery was great. Did the behind-the-scenes tour on the ship, which was super cool. They Wouldn't let me into the engine room though.
Justin "The Juice"
So sounded like he said— sounded like you said Siri was great. It's like, oh yeah, my new iPhone.
Caleb
I feel like that's a cry. If we ever heard my new iPhone out of Gino, that would be a cry for help.
Geno
That's the, uh, the safe word.
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
That's when, that's when he's trying to get us to break him out of the gulag.
Caleb
The gulag or the sodomy.
Geno
I did, uh—
Justin "The Juice"
No, he's not trying to get broken out of the sodomy.
Geno
I'm barely getting broken in.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh God.
Caleb
Oh my Lord.
Geno
Might have to start testing some thirst traps on the different ones today. I feel like it would wind up— my thirst traps would just be like, it would look too much like Randy from Trailer Park Boys.
Justin "The Juice"
If you, if you cosplay as Randy from Trailer Park Boys— or yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's— who's— uh, why can't I think of his name? The, the guy from, um, um, oh, I can't even think of the name of the damn show with the milkshake guy.
Geno
Are you thinking Elliot Page from Trailer Park Boys?
Justin "The Juice"
No, I'm not thinking of Elliot Page. I'm thinking of...
Geno
Elliot Page was also on Trailer Park Boys.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, no, no. Is it— is his name still Randy? Uh, why can't I think of the name of the damn—
Caleb
Meanwhile, I'm just over here like, if I ever tried those— last time I tried even taking a thirst trap, ended up blowing out the sensor on the camera because the reflection just like pure white.
Justin "The Juice"
Fucking Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Caleb
Oh, there's a name I ain't heard in a while.
Justin "The Juice"
Why can't I think of— I can't even look at the fucking—
Geno
You want me to be Frylock or something?
Justin "The Juice"
No, the fucking guy in the Life Theater.
Caleb
Oh God, I know who you're talking about. Carl!
Justin "The Juice"
Fucking Carl! Jesus Christ, it took me so long to figure that out. Fucking cosplay as Carl and we will, and we can start a Patreon like that.
Geno
I mean, I feel like Randy from Trailer Park Boys would be just as funny.
Justin "The Juice"
It would, but I'm not sure if we'd get as much money from it.
Geno
And I'd get to eat the cheeseburgers.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
Um, yeah, that's, that's actually a really good point and a really good benefit.
Justin "The Juice"
That is a solid point. And you could also deal— uh, uh, why can't I think of, uh, the trailer park manager's guy's name? I'm terrible with names tonight.
Geno
Lahey?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah. Who's Mr. Lahey in this situation?
Geno
I guess, I guess you could be my—
Justin "The Juice"
I guess, I guess I'll be Mr. Lahey. I'll be drunk as fuck, just absolute pissing myself drunk.
Geno
Oh, RIP to that actor. I forget his name, but he was great.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, man.
Caleb
Yeah, see, I've, uh, I'm too American to do Trailer Park Boys, so—
Justin "The Juice"
No, you would be a good—
Caleb
I think I'll just stick to my class.
Justin "The Juice"
You'd be a great Julian.
Geno
Oh yeah, just— and like, the best part of being Julian is you get to carry a rum and Coke wherever you are, just constantly.
Caleb
Making a Fernet and Coke and I— you got me.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it's a—
Geno
they look the same.
Justin "The Juice"
They look the same. So it's a Fernet and Coke Brazilian Julian.
Geno
Yeah.
Caleb
Fernet's more Argentinian, but I'll take Brazil. All right. All right. Argentina is a better country.
Justin "The Juice"
Argentinian Julian. I mean, you're white enough. And the best part is, is that you get to practice your balance of never spilling the Fernet and Coke ever, even though you're always carrying it. And you're not even that drunk. You just have— you just constantly just have it. You're just sipping. You always got a little bit of a buzz on, but just a little.
Geno
I should— I should start— I should find that somewhere and watch more Trailer Park Boys.
Caleb
Oh, me too. God, it's like microdose. So it's kind of like microdosing, but with alcohol. So it's just micro buzzing. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
Yeah.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
I had to give it a break back in the day. I watched through like the first 5 or 6 seasons of it straight and I could actually feel it making me dumber.
Caleb
Oh man.
Geno
Oh, those Canadians though. Like between that and Letterkenny and Schorsie, they've got some shows.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
Red, green, red.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so I, for some reason, basically I was just getting Alaska.
Geno
We did, um, I'm gonna shout out this here, the, the Bering Crab Tour out of Ketchikan. It's an old crab boat that's fitted for a tour boat. They haul up the gear. It's, it's super cool. All of them are super nice. Totally worth it. Great tour. One of the guys on the boat I forget his name off the top of my head. Sounded exactly like Red Green. It was fantastic. It made it even better.
Caleb
Now, did he sign off every time reminding you to keep your stick on vice and that we're all in this together?
Justin "The Juice"
He did not, but that would have been fitting.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
It was real good though.
Caleb
Did he have a wife named Bernice?
Geno
I did not ask. One of the guys on that boat, uh, I think his name was— oh God, I'm gonna say Dave, and if I'm wrong, I'm sorry. One of them was named Dave. At least one Dave was on there.
Caleb
Dave's not home.
Geno
If it wasn't Dave, I'm sorry. You were all great. I was on a floating open bar that week. Details are gonna be a bit hazy, but he, uh, tried to buy my Shorzy hat off of me.
Caleb
Dave's not home, man.
Geno
No, no, man, it's Dave. Open up, I got the stuff.
Caleb
Dave's not home.
Geno
Dave? Oh yeah, that was, that was great. And I'm also gonna shout out the, uh, the White Pass and Yukon Railway out of Skagway. Both excellent, excellent tours.
Caleb
So good to hear, good to hear. So take the Alaskan cruise, but make sure you don't miss a payment on your FSO from Crazy Ivan. Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
Otherwise you'll be stuck in a sandwich shop making borscht.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
And they'll take away your lada.
Justin "The Juice"
They'll take away your lada. They'll take away your FSO. They'll make you make borscht. And then you'll— they'll make you huff horseradish for some reason.
Geno
I don't know why I said lada. I meant shota.
Justin "The Juice"
Don't say—
Caleb
I thought y'all said pop up there.
Geno
Now we're just reusing the jokes. Have we been doing this long enough to recycle jokes like they're soda cans? Look, that's how you fucking do a callback. Fuck the publishers.
Justin "The Juice"
I can make a weeb joke, but I don't know if you'd know it, so I'm gonna avoid.
Caleb
We should, man.
Geno
Uh, what is it? Uh, uh, Kasabian and gang have one of their side series, the other premium ones, the Lions Led by Robots, where they're doing a rewatch of Evangelion.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God, fucking Evangelion.
Geno
I don't want to pay for Their Patreon because I need to hear those.
Caleb
Oh, that's a good series.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes. But if we ever get back to the other ones.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
How the fuck do you know it better than I'm? I'm a. I am a weak-ass weeb.
Geno
So.
Caleb
I'm gonna cut y'all off here because this is where the weeb and the Brazilian culture intersect, because Evangelion was a massive, massive thing in Brazil for a long time. Like, to the point where there are Brazilian politicians that have adapted the theme song for use in their campaigns.
Justin "The Juice"
That's amazing.
Caleb
This is a wild, wild place, y'all. And I kind of love it.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I'll bring it back to cars. I ceramic coated my sister's IS300 today, as well as replaced the intake. with the stock intake because it had a, um, aftermarket intake on it that, uh, had a like piggyback ECU box thing that you like soldered in like onto the fucking ECU wires. Um, that shit was old as hell from when I owned the car 10 years ago. Uh, 11 years ago. Damn. Um, 11+ years ago. Holy shit.
Caleb
Anyway, um, now the real question is, are— have you raised the lowered yet?
Justin "The Juice"
Have I raised the lowered? What?
Geno
Raise the lowered!
Caleb
Oh my God.
Justin "The Juice"
Fucking hell. I was, I was raising the Lord.
Geno
Amen.
Justin "The Juice"
I was raising the Lord every, every fucking minute I was working on that thing. Oh, so because I thought—
Caleb
You're going back to— hey, you are going back to stock, as you know, dearly beloved and sorely missed friend of the show Redwood Chair would advocate.
Justin "The Juice"
I was going. I raise the Lord. I was going back to raise my Lord.
Geno
Beloved, yeah, gathered here today to get through this thing called life. We gather here today, dearly beloved, around a Minnesota, and we'll break into Prince.
Justin "The Juice"
We gather here today. We gather here today to cast off. Why am I going into a fucking accent?
Caleb
God.
Justin "The Juice"
We gather here today to cast off the aftermarket so we can get into the afterworld.
Geno
Uh, anyway, uh, pass the plate around, friends. OEM parts are hard to come by, friends, and the creature needs—
Caleb
Pass the plate around. For the new old stock—
Geno
Thank you, Mr. CDM.
Caleb
Pass the plate around, friends. For the new old stock does not rain down from the heavens, but must be searched for and acquired.
Justin "The Juice"
It is the worldly. So we, uh, or so anyway, yeah, I The air filter on the thing was cooked, and instead of just washing it or having her buy a new pod filter for it, I said screw that. We got the parts, we got the, uh, OE air box for it. Let's just throw that back on it.
Caleb
We have the technology.
Justin "The Juice"
We have the technology.
Geno
So better, slower, stronger.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes. No, I mean, for her, Toyota, it's so much better because she can just Toyota Yaris. For her, it's just so much better because she can just go buy a damn filter from the auto parts store whenever she needs one instead of having to wash the damn filter or whatever.
Geno
Oh, O'Reilly.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
So not the official auto parts partner of the International Race of Champions broadcast.
Justin "The Juice"
Why not? That, that's, that's my favorite. I love O'Reilly's.
Geno
I, I go to O'Reilly's probably the most. Um, back before Advance plundered them and made them worse, Car Quest was great when you could find one.
Caleb
Oh God, I'm— I miss old Car Quest.
Justin "The Juice"
I don't even— I don't even— I don't even have a reference point for old Car Quest. Damn. And I was never there.
Geno
Like, Napa is great, but not as accessible as O'Reilly's and occasionally weird.
Caleb
Napa has always been just a little weird though. I mean, hell, they sponsored Michael Waltrip for years.
Geno
I will say I used to have a Napa hat, like a ball cap, and it was a great ball cap. And really nice. And a guy at O'Reilly's gave me a free ball cap in exchange for it, and it was a worse ball cap. And I should have just been like— I put— should have felt it and like, nah, this cap's not as good, give me my other one back.
Caleb
Well, I mean, that's just kind of how O'Reilly's is compared to NAPA. It's just not as good.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but NAPA's more expensive, and there's also— yeah, it's not as accessible. There's not one locally.
Geno
There's not— they're not as easy around and they're more focused on selling to shops than to—
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I was about to say that as well, than as they're in retail. Yeah.
Caleb
Of course, where I grew up, uh, what is now the NAPA used to be the CarQuest, which is next door to the Advance, which is just up the hill. From the AutoZone.
Geno
Which is around the block from the Pep Boys.
Caleb
Yeah, there ain't no— there ain't a Pep Boys. But the way it is, is it's like you got the— you got the AutoZone, you know, going down Water Street, and then like off to the left, going up— go up a hill a little bit, there's the back entrance to the Advance. on Water Street, go up the hill and it's next door to the Pizza Hut. And then, but you know, corner of the old Florence Road and Water, you got the, what used to be the CarQuest is the NAPA now, but you turn right, there's the O'Reilly's.
Geno
So I liked O'Reilly's better back when it was Checkers.
Caleb
See, I never experienced it as Checkers.
Justin "The Juice"
Holy shit!
Geno
It used to be called Shucks or Craigin'.
Caleb
Neither way, by the time it made it down to my neck of the woods, it was O'Reilly's. But no, when damn, I don't know when Advance lore. When Advance bought CarQuest, they obviously pulled the franchise agreement because. I mean, you ain't gonna put a CarQuest and an Advance 50 yards from each other.
Geno
No.
Caleb
So they pulled the— they pulled the CarQuest franchise agreement, and, uh, that store ended up going to Napa, which— I mean, there was a Napa in town, but as I said, it only sold to, uh, You know, shops, and that was out by the old radio station.
Geno
But—
Justin "The Juice"
So wait, let me, let me finish what I'm saying. Um, so well, here in town, um, I only got Advance, AutoZone, and O'Reilly's. And AutoZone and O'Reilly's have comparable parts selection. I'd say actually AutoZone's probably a little better here, but I'm always partial to O'Reilly's. Advance doesn't have jack shit. Advance sucks.
Geno
Um, Advance, if you get a— if you get a guy at the counter, or a girl at the counter, or—
Caleb
If you get a human at the counter.
Justin "The Juice"
An enby at the counter of Advance.
Geno
Dude, I would—
Justin "The Juice"
I would kill.
Geno
I would— yeah, I would, uh, I might lose it.
Justin "The Juice"
I would absolutely fucking— I would have such a great time with an Enby at a counter of Advance. I'd be like, let's go hang out.
Geno
Yeah, I'd be like, can we be— did we just become best friends? Wanna go do karate in the garage?
Justin "The Juice"
But the problem— no, actually, no, I take it back, 'cause they're working at Advance, and Advance has the shittiest parts. So you know what? No, fuck you, go work at O'Reilly's. What are you doing?
Geno
I will say, a good buddy of mine, You should know better. Chris, great guy, worked at Advance for a while. And if you get someone at the counter at Advance who knows how to do— use their interchange system and looks it up, they can get anything.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, that's fair. But in terms of the— in terms of the parts that are stocked in rural Tennessee—
Geno
Oh, dog shit.
Justin "The Juice"
Dog shit. Advance is definitely the one who has the least amount of parts stocked.
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
AutoZone probably has the most. O'Reilly's probably has the second most. And I'd say that honestly, AutoZone here is probably my best bet. They have— they seem to have the nicest quality parts and like nicest things. But I've just always been partial to O'Reilly's because growing up in, uh, like in Knoxville, uh, O'Reilly's was always better. But out here Nah, I'd say honestly the AutoZone's better, but I still— I'm still partial.
Geno
Closest, so definitely the one I go to the most. Uh, AutoZone is a bit more of a hike, but I have had good luck with— they're the best at getting weird stuff that day because—
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, they're all within half a mile of each other here, so I got, I got my pick of litter. It doesn't really matter.
Caleb
Yeah, so for me, back when I was in Tennessee, back when I was growing up, for Japanese stuff I would go to the AutoZone because one of the guys behind the parts counter was the sort of graybeard who had a 280ZX turbo and knew how to get parts for it. And so for my Nissan stuff I would go, but only when he was working specifically, because he knew how to get the good stuff for Nissans.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
For—
Caleb
I would go—
Justin "The Juice"
Go ahead.
Caleb
I would go to O'Reilly for almost anything else except air conditioner stuff. I went to the CarQuest. And because they had the better quality Freon. And I went to Advance specifically for oil filters because in Savannah, Tennessee, of all places, they kept the Mann W-917 in stock and on the shelf.
Geno
Dang.
Justin "The Juice"
Mann filter.
Caleb
The good shit, the good stuff.
Geno
I got a case of those in the, in the cabinet in the garage right now.
Caleb
And their price was cheaper than IPD, so it didn't make sense for me to order from IPD.
Geno
Everyone's price is cheaper than IPD's.
Caleb
And it used to not be that way.
Geno
It didn't. IPD, like, I need— I remember I needed some clips for the windshield trim on my 940 recently, and IPD sells them for 3 times what the Volvo dealer does.
Caleb
Yes. The clips, I just go, I went to the, uh, Century Volvo in Huntsville is usually where I'd get my little trim clips and stuff. Like I drive down to Huntsville for that stuff.
Justin "The Juice"
So anywho—
Geno
Decline in maplewood.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, I completely lost my train of thought on what I was talking about. I was talking about the IS300, I think. Oh yeah, so I put the fucking stock airbox on it. Um, and I wired in a goddamn piggyback ECU back in the day, like 12, 13, 14 years ago. Um, So I had to—
Caleb
Oh, there's your problem.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I had to unwire that in order to get the thing to run properly with the stock air box. Um, did a real shitty, uh, soldering job. Um, big old ball of solder, you know, it'll be fine. I, I slapped it a couple times and I was like, that ain't going anywhere once I electrical taped it, so it's fine. Um, and, uh, yeah, it ran fine after that, but apparently the check engine light came back. Uh, I thought that was gonna get rid of the check engine light, but I think it was actually exhaust related, uh, not, uh, intake related, even though it would make sense that the fucking piggyback it threw on it would give it a check engine. But no, apparently it wasn't that. Um, not gonna necessarily get into why it has a check engine light outside of that. It's just oxygen sensor related, I'll say.
Geno
Breaking the law, breaking the law.
Justin "The Juice"
It's not my car. Um, I mean, it was my car, but it's not my car.
Caleb
Um, it is someone who you met's car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Geno
Uh, so, uh, acquaintance of the pod.
Justin "The Juice"
The, the— yeah, the, the paint soaked up all the damp. The paint on the roof and the hood and the trunk just soaked up all the damn, uh, ceramic coat, and you could still see streaks from when I was trying to buff it out, but it wouldn't buff out. Um, the sides look nice and good, and it looked shiny in the low light I was doing it in, but once I got into daylight, uh, yeah, it didn't look all that great. But yeah, I wasn't gonna buff that shit out. I wasn't getting paid enough for that.
Geno
Um, I need to find somebody to, to detail the 940 before the winter.
Justin "The Juice"
But yeah, no, uh, it's, it's, it's nice. I mean, a good ceramic coat and a good, um, like, I, I vacuum the interior out, just a quick vacuum. Um, the damn thing has a sticky dash, so I didn't even bother.
Geno
Ew.
Justin "The Juice"
With, with cleaning that. Um, but yeah, honestly, it should be. That would be sick.
Caleb
Uh, that would be sick.
Justin "The Juice"
If, if, uh, if it ever comes back into my possession, I'll do that and I'll manual swap it because the thing's a damn go-kart. I mean, IS300 is better driving dynamics than an E46 3 Series, and I will stand on that. But it has an open diff though. So like it was doing— so with the check engine light, Toyota's godforsaken traction control system for some reason disables itself when the check engine light's on. So—
Geno
Because you don't need it.
Justin "The Juice"
I guess not. But at the same time, the thing has the world's most open diff. And, uh—
Caleb
Ah, yes, it does. Classic one-wheel peel.
Justin "The Juice"
It does so many burnouts. It just loses traction like it's going out of style. Like, it's not even funny how easily that thing loses traction. Um, nonetheless, um, I, uh, cleaned the outside, protected it from any more sun damage, um, cleaned the inside a little bit, you know, vacuumed it. But then I also did the leather protectant on the seats. That— the passenger seat has a massive split in it. It's so done. But my, my sister was like, can you do leather protectant? I'm like I guess. I don't know what it's gonna do at this point, but all right. Uh, so I did, and, uh, the steering wheel was disgusting. Like, just so much grime, just terrible. But it cleaned up really nice with just a rag and some leather protectant, just wiping the hell out of— leather protectant and cleaner, wiping the hell out of it. Cleaned up real good, and it's mint now. But yeah, the thing's surviving. I mean, it's got some dings, it's got some, some dents, it's got some bumps, it's got some paint chips. It got like rear-ended once. So the rear bumper is all scuffed up and it's still alive.
Caleb
It survived you as a teenager, it can survive anything.
Justin "The Juice"
I suppose so. Even without, even without traction control, somehow my sister 'Cause I remember when I had the thing, even with traction control on, with the shitty tires I had on— I had some like dry rotted Uniroyal Tiger Paws on it, you know, a slightly wet entrance to the neighborhood I lived in when I was a kid, you know, I'd come around the corner, let off the gas, and the thing would spin around fucking 180. Uh, so I'm surprised she hasn't crashed the damn thing, honestly. But Good on her. Uh, I tried, I tried to alleviate that situation. Maybe I'll get her to actually take the exhaust off the thing, and maybe the check engine light will go away then, and maybe things will be good then, and she can actually have traction control back. But she apparently said she likes the exhaust, which, even though she's not a car person at all, I guess nobody can, um, not be intoxicated by the wonderful, uh, reverberations of a 2JZ inline-6.
Caleb
Only thing better than an inline-6 is an inline-5. Give me 5.
Geno
Give me 5. Like a little half of a V10 just going at it.
Justin "The Juice"
You know, I, I can't even argue against that. I really like the way inline-5s sound, although I have owned an inline-5 Uh, but it had a stock exhaust and stock intake, so it didn't really sound all that great. The fucking, uh, '07 Rabbit 2.5 I had—
Geno
Did I have the— did I have the Flow Monster on the, the Grand Slam?
Justin "The Juice"
You did.
Geno
God, that sounded great.
Caleb
Now, speaking of vehicles that have been straight popped, God, that reminded me, speaking of exhaust, the best sounding car I have ever owned was my S211 chassis Mercedes E500 wagon.
Justin "The Juice"
Straight 5-liter?
Caleb
M113V— yeah, 5-liter V8 with a, uh, rear muffler delete and a crossover. So it got like that nice burbly burbly, you know, good exhaust scavenging, all that.
Justin "The Juice"
The good shit.
Caleb
It sounded awesome.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Geno
Nice. I feel like the best sounding vehicle I've ever owned, and this might be cheating a little bit, but it was the '72 Olds Toronado, Hey, V8, big block, big block, big block.
Caleb
Seriously though, the Oldsmobile V8, the Oldsmobile V—
Geno
$1,700 less than I paid for it. That was a, that was a terrible automotive decision, but it was a cool car.
Caleb
Speaking as someone who had an Oldsmobile Rocket Series V8 at one point, No one did— none of them, none of the GM divisions did a V8 like Oldsmobile. Like, the Oldsmobile Rockets were something special. The 425, which grew into the 455, just chef's kiss.
Justin "The Juice"
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Caleb
I had a, uh, I had a '98 with the 425 and She'd light up the rear tires at 60.
Justin "The Juice"
She cooking.
Geno
I will say the, um, the, uh, the V70 with the Flow Monster and, uh, and the current 940 with the, the off-brand Flowmaster and the The big cam are very close seconds.
Caleb
No, of course. Speaking of dumb, speaking of stuff with cars, the Fiat runs again.
Geno
And so does the 940. I had a— I got back from vacation and went to go somewhere and it wouldn't start.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh yeah.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
And I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, I smell fuel after cranking it for a while. So it's getting fuel. So I went and opened up my electrical toolbox, grabbed the spark tester, walked around the car and saw behind it running down the driveway, the puddle of 93 octane. I was like, oh shit, that's $25 on the ground there.
Caleb
Damn. Just $25.
Justin "The Juice"
No, you're— that's a whole— that's—
Geno
it probably— it was not that much, but it was—
Caleb
you dump— you probably dump more fuel out than the car is worth.
Geno
There's a distinct possibility. But, uh, the, uh, for, for those not in the know, the high-pressure fuel line on the 9— on the Volvo 940 from the factory uses a a push-on 10mm fitting. It's like a SharkBite, if you're familiar with the SharkBite plumbing fittings.
Caleb
Mm-hmm.
Geno
So it's a totally smooth tube, and this pushes onto that and locks into place until you pull the right part, and then it just slides off. And the guy I bought it from, the absolute hack and fraud No, he's a good friend of mine.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, great guy.
Geno
I can't, I can't do that bit. But, um, just had a, had a regular, you know, fuel line, rubber fuel line double clamped on there and it popped off at some point.
Caleb
Oh.
Geno
So I double clamped it back on there, guten tight, and we're hoping she holds.
Justin "The Juice"
She'll hold.
Caleb
Now, the real question is, did you smack it afterward and say, you know, they ain't going anywhere?
Geno
No, I said, that'll do, pig.
Caleb
Close enough.
Justin "The Juice"
Close enough. Yeah, that'll, that'll, that'll do. That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Geno
Then, uh, And Anne's van has been leaking fuel on Phillips too, which is annoying. So I don't think it's the way Chrysler did it from the factory, but it looks to be about a 2-inch ID rubber hose running from the factory fill, whatever you want to call it. The metal part that goes in. Yeah. And it runs from there down to the inlet on the gas tank. And, you know, it's a 21-year-old hunk of rubber that who knows what they use. Probably not even fucking fuel rated.
Caleb
I mean, at the very least, not ethanol rated.
Geno
Probably some fucking radiator hose. It's hard as a rock now. And I noticed today it leaks at both— at least at the inlet end and the tank end. Oh, so I got it. I gotta get the calipers out and measure what's going on too and go find a set of fuel— a piece of fuel-rated hose for it. And I think I might wind up just having to go to like a marine supplier because they're good at getting Random lengths of fuel-rated hose.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
Fuel-rated hose.
Caleb
Yeah. I'm just thinking, you know, that leaking at both ends, that sounds like last time I had some of Crazy Ivan's hot sauce.
Geno
Says the guy with a Taco Bell mug in his hand.
Caleb
Hey. Yeah, Crazy Ivan's combination hot sauce and octane booster ain't no joke.
Justin "The Juice"
I was just gonna say that's our band name is the Fuel Rated Hose.
Geno
Well, we are in different area codes.
Caleb
We are.
Geno
Also, if you want some hot sauce over here, I don't know if she's still doing her pop-ups, but Marla's. Marla's makes some shit. Uh, that lady, she used to have a restaurant in Minneapolis and they, uh, her landlord didn't renew her lease, but she like did monthly pop-ups out of her house. And, um, you know, you can get it mild, medium, hot, Indian hot, Caribbean hot, and Marla's hot.
Justin "The Juice"
No.
Geno
And, uh, I've gotten Marla's Hot several times and I'm pretty good at eating spicy shit. And I'd say like, you know, I'd say overall as a white dude, I'm a solid A at eating spicy shit. And for Minnesota, I'm S-tier at eating spicy shit. And Marla's Hot fucked me up.
Caleb
Just light you up.
Geno
Holy cow.
Justin "The Juice"
Like, so they're saying Marla's a psychopath.
Geno
Yeah.
Caleb
Um, I need some of this in my life.
Geno
It is incredible. It is so— she did a dish, um, like of braised oxtails at— God, it's just one of the best things I've ever eaten. Even when it was almost too hot to eat, like it still had good flavor even though I wanted to die.
Caleb
There's just that oxtails are so good though.
Justin "The Juice"
That's so worth it. Oh man, I need to have some oxtail.
Caleb
So see, the story of the rotary engine is you had the scientific Egyptology German researchers in the 1930s. who studied the pyramids and came to understand the life force channeling energies of the triangle.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh yes, of course.
Caleb
And so, so after the war, Dr. Felix Wankel harnessed the magic of the triangle to create the eponymous Wankel engine, the rotary engine, which was— but they couldn't figure out how to seal in with— despite having all the resources of NSU and Auto Union, they could not figure out how to seal in the energy for the triangle energy forces to provide proper combustion thrust. So the fine folks at Toyokogyo, which we now know as Mazda, they took over the development of the one true engine, and they refined it, and they harnessed their esoteric Japanese knowledge to create a proper seal. For the triangles to keep the energy in. And then they started pairing up the triangles. And then—
Geno
Did they ever really create a proper seal for the triangles?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, the problem is, is that the— they had a mistranslation from the original Egyptian hieroglyphs, and they translated it as apex seal. Um, but it was actually supposed to be, um, BPEX seal. You know, they just—
Geno
I thought it was flies out the exhaust at the worst possible moment seal.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, well, it's also known as that, of course, but, um—
Geno
Have you seen the— God, this is ancient now— Ancient Aliens.
Justin "The Juice"
But it shows a diagram of how a turbo rotor works, and it's just boost in, apex seal out. Well, so the little—
Caleb
Which is why, yeah, which is why for when they, when they mounted their full-on assault in 1991 upon the city of Le Mans, they left the turbos out, but they used 4 triangles in this configuration, which gives you a 2.6-liter displacement. And by harnessing the 2.6-liter triangle-powered rotary, they were able to conquer the most demanding motor race of all and bring home the victory at Le Mans.
Justin "The Juice"
And it's a little— it's a little-known fact that if you, um, spelunk inside of the oil pan of the 26B 4-rotor, You will actually find jars of Egyptian pharaohs' organs. And that is actually what keeps the oil filtered.
Caleb
Ah, interesting. I did not know that.
Justin "The Juice"
I wonder if you could make a rotary that instead of a triangle was a square. And I'm actually being serious.
Caleb
But then you lose the esoteric energy.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh shit, you're right.
Geno
What about a hexagon?
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, a hexagon.
Caleb
Ooh, hexagon. That's double triangle.
Geno
Yeah, that's 2 triangles.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh shit.
Caleb
But isn't that why we have 2 rotors? Well, you know why you've got the rotors offset?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, you know why they call it a wankel, right?
Caleb
Why do they call it a wankel?
Geno
I mean, like, if you go to— like, isn't a rotary with a whole bunch of phases just a turbine?
Caleb
Basically.
Justin "The Juice"
Sir, we just— we're just—
Geno
All things come back to Chrysler.
Justin "The Juice"
From basic principles, we're just reinventing the Chrysler turbine car.
Caleb
Everything— everything is Stellantis.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God! Oh no, you're right. Everything is Stellantis. Fuck!
Geno
I miss when domestic manufacturers had like had had guts, had chutzpah, had you know cojones. Yeah, cojones.
Caleb
They had like the will fortitude.
Geno
Yeah, try something stupid. Like let's do something, see what happens. Let's throw a turbine engine on this thing with a modified TorqueFlite, see what happens.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I would— I'm gonna— okay.
Caleb
We need to get Jay Leno on here.
Geno
Let's—
Justin "The Juice"
yeah, let's do it. But I'm gonna push back slightly.
Geno
Why? So he can be the 4th funniest person on this?
Caleb
Hey, no, even better. Conan.
Geno
Conan.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, Conan would actually be funny.
Geno
Everyone's better than Leno, let's be real.
Caleb
So, hey, to be— and also Conan does have properly cromulent taste in vehicles.
Justin "The Juice"
Does he?
Caleb
Yeah, he has a '92 SHO.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh shit, alright, bet.
Caleb
And he's owned it for like 30 years.
Geno
That's pretty baller. Like, not, not, uh, Paul Newman baller, but pretty baller.
Justin "The Juice"
So I would argue the last time—
Caleb
Hey, we need the Paul Newman Ouija board and the Lee Iacocca Ouija board.
Justin "The Juice"
No, we need the—
Geno
Volvo and V8 swap it.
Justin "The Juice"
No, we need the Lee Iacocca Ouija board.
Caleb
Um, we need both.
Justin "The Juice"
Fair.
Caleb
Um, is Bob Lutz still around? Is Maximum Bob still around?
Geno
I don't know.
Justin "The Juice"
Is he?
Caleb
I don't know, but if he is, we need him on.
Justin "The Juice"
Even if he's a—
Geno
Can we get Iacocca on the Ouija board? Like, can we tell him to go grab John DeLorean? 'Cause we wanna talk to him too.
Caleb
Oh God, John Z would be a trip though.
Justin "The Juice"
You don't need to get— you don't need to use a Ouija board to access John Z. You just need copious amounts of cocaine.
Geno
Just do enough blow that you see God.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. John DeLorean, Lea Iacocca, Bob Lutz.
Caleb
Uh, y'all, Bob Lutz is still around, but he's in his mid-90s. We need to get him on.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh shit. Uh, shit, I lost my train of thought. Damn. Oh, I was gonna say, okay, the last time I would say that each of the big 3 American manufacturers did something that actually was a little out of left field and kind of cool would be mid-engine Corvette. Gotta give them props to actually for fucking doing it. They actually did it. You can argue—
Caleb
But Zora— but think about it though. Zora was trying to get them to do it in the '60s and they never did it. But they didn't.
Justin "The Juice"
That's my point, is that it was one of those things that it was like, come on, for like 50 years it was like, come on guys, and then they finally fucking did it.
Caleb
Come on, man.
Justin "The Juice"
And then I would say that the— I would say Ford, either the current Mustang GTD just because it's insane, um, or the '04 Ford GT was probably the last time Ford did something insane.
Caleb
I'm gonna throw this one out here before we get off Ford. The Mach-E was a— so hear me out.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right, I'll listen.
Caleb
The vehicle itself, okay, not that impressive, but the chutzpah to put a Mustang badge on it Yeah.
Geno
Yeah, that does, uh, that is, uh, that does take some balls. Solid brass.
Caleb
Yeah. And like, they could have, they could have called it the Capri. They could have called it, oh, hell, they could have brought it back. They could have made it the Taurus and it would have been great. Like, because the Mach-E is a fantastic vehicle. Except that it has the galloping horse on it.
Geno
Yeah, you know what? They could have brought the Galaxy nameplate back.
Caleb
Yeah, they could have.
Geno
Galaxy would have been a perfect nameplate for it.
Justin "The Juice"
They could have called it the Mustang Two. Actually, that would have been great. Actually, they fucking should have called it the Mustang 2. Damn, that would actually— I would, I would laugh my ass off. I would, I wouldn't even think that. I wouldn't even be upset. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, fucking yeah. Bet.
Caleb
If any of our listeners are out there with a Mustang Mach-E, And you want to rebadge it as a Mustang II and send us the photograph, we will make swag and send it to you. Yeah, we're doing so.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, we'll print a t-shirt. Handmade.
Caleb
You're right.
Justin "The Juice"
No, we won't print a t-shirt. We'll paint a t-shirt and then clear coat it, and then you'll have to figure out how to wash it. But the last—
Geno
okay, Pinto, bring that back.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, they could have called it the Pinto. Uh, what, what?
Geno
Okay, or the Fordnator.
Justin "The Juice"
What was the last insane thing Chrysler did? And don't say Hellcats because I wouldn't— I would not say that was insane. It was very logical, actually.
Geno
The last insane thing Chrysler did was the SRT-4.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay. Um, maybe SRT-10, uh, Ram?
Caleb
No.
Geno
SRT-10.
Caleb
'Cause they are—
Geno
The Ultralight.
Caleb
Like, so the SRT-10 is not crazy because all they did is they put the aluminum block motor version of the iron block lump they already used.
Geno
Yeah. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, I have—
Caleb
Like, they already had a V10 pickup.
Justin "The Juice"
I have an answer, but it was a— I don't know if it counts, 'cause it's not a production car. The last time Chrysler seemed absolutely off their fucking rocker in the best possible way was the ME-412.
Caleb
Yeah, that's, that's their last truly off-the-rocker concept. I would say their last kind of weird production, it comes back to the first-gen Neon.
Justin "The Juice"
First-gen Neon? No, no, you know what? No, I have— I actually, I think I actually have a really good answer for this. The fucking first-gen Pacifica.
Geno
Yeah, that was, that was sick.
Justin "The Juice"
That was, that was different.
Caleb
The OG Pacifica.
Justin "The Juice"
The OG Pacifica actually was like groundbreaking.
Caleb
Like the Crossfire, though cool, was just like, it was basically a fat SLK.
Justin "The Juice"
It didn't break any ground. No, it didn't. It was Pacifica was the first crossover, and also it had the— it was like a Mercedes on the inside. It was actually like Daimler quality. It had a fucking, uh, GPS in the gauge cluster in 2004. Like, it's good shit.
Geno
The OG Pacifica was a, was a nice, uh, nice vehicle. I still maintain, like, the SRT-4 at the time was absolutely batshit insane though. It's like Let's take a Dodge. Let's take the Neon. Let's take the lightest economy-ish shitbox that's ever shitboxed and give it 300 horsepower.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, but I got one question. What year did it come out? Was that '04?
Caleb
I think it was '03 or '04.
Justin "The Juice"
I think that was '03, so I think that might have been before the Pacifica. So I think the Pacifica was the last time they were that crazy.
Caleb
Now what about the PT GT?
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, that wasn't that '02?
Caleb
No, because the PT GT was after the SRT-4.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, okay.
Caleb
Because it used the SRT-4 drivetrain.
Justin "The Juice"
That might have been '04 then.
Geno
The SRT-4 was made until 2005.
Justin "The Juice"
But when did it start being made?
Geno
'03.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay.
Caleb
What about the PT GT? Because the PT GT was insane for a very different reason. It was basically Chrysler trying to go, okay, we need economy of scale for the SRT-4 drivetrain. What can we stick it in that it fits? And of course, because a PT Cruiser Is the same, just a neat— it's a, it's a neon cosplaying as a 1930s, uh, rod thing.
Justin "The Juice"
And, and, uh, and to the EPA it was a truck.
Caleb
Of course, to the EPA it was a truck. And every damn boomer out there either had one, wanted one, or thought it was the greatest thing since Mm-hmm. And I say this as the nephew of someone who owned not one, not two, but 3 Turbo PT Cruisers.
Geno
My Aunt Mary had several Cruisers.
Caleb
Yeah. My Aunt Debbie had— no, wait, she only had 2. She didn't have 3. She had 2 of them, but they were both Vegettes.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, so PTGT '03. So, uh, uh, first gen Chrysler Pacifica, uh, years— '04. So I, I think I'm— I think it was the Pacifica was the last time they did something off the wall.
Caleb
And Let's see, when was the last time? Because I don't know, because Chrysler is part of Stellantis now, and Stellantis is a little bit bigger than just Chrysler.
Geno
Hmm.
Caleb
I mean, when did the Citroën RCZ—
Justin "The Juice"
oh yeah, the RCZ is cool. I don't know if I— is that really like crazy though? Because like the reason I said Hellcat doesn't count as crazy, because it's just the classic muscle car formula of shove the— a donkey doo-doo ass huge motor in something.
Caleb
Um, RCZ was basically give Zagato a 208 and see what they do with it.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but at the same time it's just sport front-wheel drive sport coupe.
Caleb
Yeah, you got a point.
Justin "The Juice"
And I mean, though, and, and the reason I said with Ford— see, Mach-E works, GT works because it's a Ford supercar and they hadn't actually built a supercar in a hot-ass minute. And the reason I said GTD is because it's, it's, it's GT3. It's got, it's got cantilever suspension.
Caleb
Right?
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Like, what the fuck else is—
Caleb
It's a GT3 car for the road.
Justin "The Juice"
It's a GT3 car for the road. What the fuck, Ford? And the reason I said mid-engine Corvette is 'cause they finally fucking did the thing.
Caleb
So here's a question. C20, C6.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, when did the C6 come out? '05?
Caleb
Because that might— Because I think '05. So yeah, Stellantis. Stellantis, last truly crazy production thing they did was the C6.
Justin "The Juice"
What about the, uh, what about the, uh, C— was it C4 Cactus with the bubble sides?
Caleb
Ooh, the Cactus. It— the thing with the Cactus, yes, it had the neat little bubble sides, but mechanically it was just a normal seat.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it was just a normal C4.
Caleb
So I mean, they're nice, they're comfortable. I've ridden in a few of them, but it's not— it doesn't have that je ne sais quoi. Of C-twine.
Geno
I don't know what that means.
Caleb
Um, oh man.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, and I had that backwards. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If we're going full Stellantis, then what about like Alpha 4C?
Caleb
I think you might be right. And the 4C was fat. The 4C was fantastic.
Justin "The Juice"
4C is just a Lotus Elise with a somehow, somehow a less reliable Lotus Elise.
Caleb
With an Italian language pack.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
Um, it is so funky and so weird.
Justin "The Juice"
And so I would, I would fucking slice somebody's big toe off for a fucking 4-seat.
Caleb
So yeah, I wouldn't. The point is, but I would, I would slice a toe off. So the point is, Chrysler has been boring so long that we had to go elsewhere in the Stellantis portfolio to find something weird enough.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I wouldn't say boring, but not necessarily breaking any molds. Yeah, because I, I'm not gonna sit here and say that a Hellcat is boring, but it's not.
Geno
It's just like, oh, it's a shitload. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what about the, uh, what about the, the Helephant minivan?
Justin "The Juice"
But it's not production.
Caleb
Not production.
Justin "The Juice"
I have— I actually— what about the current, uh, Hurricane inline-6s?
Caleb
I think you've got a good point.
Justin "The Juice"
They feel like they're kind of— they're, they're doing something different. It's a, it's a, a modern-day tuner motor, tuner inline-6, like a 2J, like an RB, like a BMW S56 or whatever the fuck, but— or N54 or whatever the hell. whatever BMW engine codes are, but it's not from a company that traditionally, since basically like the '60s and '70s— Lean power, a power. Yeah, not traditionally making inline-6s. I mean, I guess you could say the AMC inline-6, but that was just adopted from— that wasn't— yeah, it was an AMC motor. It wasn't—
Caleb
and by the time And by the time it got to Chrysler, it had some French bits, uh, yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
And it wasn't sprinkling in, and it wasn't breaking any crazy ground. It was just reliable as all get-out. It was just a good-ass motor.
Caleb
I feel like this AMC—
Justin "The Juice"
yeah, this— the Hurricane is breaking ground. They're throwing in trucks, it's making stupid amounts of power. You throw this much boost at it and the thing's making like 800 horsepower. Like, it's kind of crazy.
Caleb
Here's a thought, and y'all hear me out here. Peugeot needs to bring back the 604. I don't know if they call it the 608. So big full-size executive sedan with the Hurricane Yeah, yeah, I'm here for this.
Geno
Full-size sedans need to come back, full stop.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, they do.
Caleb
Oh, absolutely.
Geno
SUV crossover bullshit. I want big sedan.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep.
Caleb
Yes, I want, I want a Barcalounger with wheels.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep, I'm, I'm completely— and then wagon versions, of course.
Geno
Yeah.
Caleb
Oh, absolutely.
Justin "The Juice"
I am so here for this.
Geno
And you know what? Convertible coupe versions too.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep.
Geno
I want big vert.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. Absolutely.
Geno
608 Chrysler Imperial convertible.
Justin "The Juice"
608 vert.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, with a Hurricane.
Caleb
You know, going back to our love for the French and Peugeot, for the 604, they did sedan, they did coupe, they did convertible. They did not do wagon, but they had the 504 for the wagons, which, I mean, the 504 was SUV, pickup, coupe, convertible, sedan, everything. You need a car? 504.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. So I just looked up all the brands that Stellantis is, 'cause it's hard to remember.
Caleb
Um, Stellantis is the— it's like the Borg of the automotive world.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it is.
Caleb
You will be assimilated.
Geno
All right, so you know what Stellantis should do? Because they still have the goddamn rights to it. Do y'all remember the 2008 April issue of Hot Rod magazine?
Justin "The Juice"
Hell, I do not.
Geno
People were pissed because for April of 2008, as an April Fool's joke, Hot Rod Magazine did a cover story and a full feature article about the rebirth of AMC in the original Kenosha, Wisconsin plants as a full-line automaker with concept sketches.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, why did they— why did they have to piss people off like that?
Geno
And they were Gorgeous.
Caleb
Oh God, there we go.
Geno
Just the most beautiful shit you have ever seen.
Caleb
Stellantis, if there are any Stellantis executives out there listening, American Motors, bring it back.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, wait, I'm gonna just send, uh, so every single, um, brand that Stellantis produces must make a new big executive sedan powered by either the Hurricane or 2 Hurricanes put together into a V12.
Geno
So I just sent the concept art they printed of the Pacer and the Gremlin in the chat.
Justin "The Juice"
Bro, that's sick, right?
Caleb
Right.
Geno
That fucking Gremlin looks so cool.
Justin "The Juice"
That does.
Caleb
Bring back the Gremlin. Hey, here's a thought.
Geno
The Pacer almost looks better.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, those look sick as hell.
Caleb
So, and you know what? They have a perfect small car platform for a new Gremlin because I've driven the current gen Peugeot 208. It is a fantastic little car. It is an absolutely above-board fantastic car. They somehow managed to get the perfect balance between comfort and handling, and it still feels tight and firm in the corners. So yeah, bring back— yeah, bring back the Gremlin, put it on the 208 platform. And because, you know, we have to worry about, you know, can it handle electric The E-208, like, they already doing an EV on the same platform, so it can take electric or gas. So you can sell electric in Canada and other places where they have environmental rules, and you can sell the gas version in the US. And then for the Pacer, the little bit bigger model, you can do— Okay, they'd probably need a new platform for that, but we'll figure it out. It'll be Hurricane.
Justin "The Juice"
Use the Chargers platform. Fuck it. Um, all right, so—
Caleb
Well, no, because that's what the Matador goes on.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, fair.
Geno
The Ambassador from that also is just like, oh my God.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. Yeah. No, so, so, all right, so if every, if every single Stellantis brand made a big sedan, um, with a, uh, the Hurricane motor, or maybe 2 Hurricanes put together for extreme luxury. Um, I don't know what a Bart could do other than like something that would be like Fiat, uh, what was it, the 130 or whatever they raced in the— they rallied. There was like a—
Caleb
Yeah, the Mirafiori. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
So something that size. So small little boxy sedan.
Caleb
But also there was the, uh, Chroma, which was on the— it was on the Type 4 chassis.
Justin "The Juice"
Did they do an Abarth Chroma?
Caleb
They did not, but they should have. But we bring back the Chroma name and we make it an Abarth. Boom.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, uh, cool. We're cool with that. That works. Uh, Alpha? Well, did that— what's Alpha's biggest car?
Caleb
Vigilia.
Justin "The Juice"
Is it really the Giulia? Because that's just a midsize sedan.
Caleb
Yeah, which— and the Giulia is— I, I think it's on a variant of a Charger platform or something.
Justin "The Juice"
But I'm, I'm talking about going back and like historically, did they ever make like a large sedan?
Caleb
They did, they did, including a large sedan that was made in Brazil.
Justin "The Juice"
What was it?
Caleb
The 2000.
Justin "The Juice"
The 2000?
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, like Alpha 2000, uh, sedan. Okay.
Caleb
Okay. So all right. Alpha has built big full-size cars before. And there's also like the 2300. And they did some— and like pre-war, they did the big straight-8s. Ooh, the original 8C.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, the original 8C. I saw that. But ooh, I love that. Okay, I didn't know about the 2300. Excuse me, I wasn't familiar familiar with your game. Goddamn, she's a thick girl. Oh yeah, I'm a, I'm a fan of the 2300. I like that. All right, so we're bringing the 2300 back. We're throwing a Hurricane in it.
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, Chrysler, well, I mean, we're doing— we're doing an Imperial or a New Yorker.
Geno
Imperial or fuck your mother.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right, fine.
Caleb
No, see, we bring Imperial back As an ultra-tier nameplate. And then there's a smaller Chrysler. Yeah, so Imperial V12.
Justin "The Juice"
And then a New Yorker with the Hurricane.
Caleb
Yeah, Chrysler New Yorker with the Hurricane.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, Citroën, we're bringing the C6 back. Or— yep, no, no, no, no, no, because we're— no, we're bringing the C6 back. It's got a Hurricane.
Caleb
No. Hear me out here. We are bringing back— we're gonna go back to like the 2-letter names. So like the XM.
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, yeah, bring back the XM.
Caleb
Yeah, but the catch is we gotta mount the Hurricane sideways.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah.
Caleb
And it's gotta have the hydropneumatic suspension.
Justin "The Juice"
It's gotta have the hydropneumatic suspension. The Hurricane's sideways and also tilted backwards towards the firewall to make it harder to get to the spark plugs.
Caleb
Um, you have to go up from underneath to get to the plugs.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. Yeah. Um, and the spare tire is in the engine bay. That's why—
Caleb
Oh, of course.
Justin "The Juice"
That's why they had to tilt it back to, you know, fit.
Caleb
Clear the spare. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Dodge, um, uh, 3 options. Ambassador?
Geno
Ambassador, Polara, or Diplomat.
Caleb
Diplomat.
Justin "The Juice"
Polara. Oh, okay. All right, we have— hmm.
Geno
The Diplomat was cool. The Polara was top of the Dodge line at the time.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, all right, I guess we have to go Polara then.
Caleb
All right, and we need to bring back—
Geno
The Ambassador and the Diplomat both have better names.
Caleb
They do. Yeah. All right, we need to bring Plymouth back.
Justin "The Juice"
We need to bring Plymouth back and just have the Plymouth.
Caleb
No, we need to bring it back and bring back the Belvedere.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, fine, fine. Yeah, Belvedere.
Caleb
Or a Fury. Fury.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh yeah, Fury.
Geno
Or the Grand Fury.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, Fury. Fury has the Hurricane. Grand Fury and Belvedere have a V12.
Caleb
Um, which is really interesting because the Belvedere was actually the, like, lower-end model in the day.
Geno
Another Chrysler option.
Justin "The Juice"
We're fixing that though. Okay, yeah, that's, that's an option.
Caleb
I mean, especially if you got a pack of Newport Slims.
Geno
Yeah, the colors come in the same. The car needs to come in the colors of the Newport packs.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it has a cut-down 5-cylinder version of the fucking Hurricane just to make it weird. Let's see, uh, so the next one in alphabetical order would be DS, and of course It's big, big-ass DS.
Caleb
Sideways Hurricane 12.
Justin "The Juice"
Sideways Hurricane 12, single-spoke wheel, and, uh, rear, uh, wheel skirts.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
Um, all right, fix it again, Tony.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, we're fixing it now.
Caleb
Uh, well, we got the chroma.
Justin "The Juice"
We got the chroma already for a Bart.
Geno
Um, I need to be the asshole and break with our big sedan thing and do a sideways mid-mounted Hurricane and an X19.
Caleb
The X10. The X20. There we go. The X20.
Geno
Hmm, like, I know it's— I know it's a little coupe and not a big sedan, but There needs to be one mid-engine sports car in this lineup. Hmm.
Caleb
I think you're right. I think mid-engine, but we do the cutdown 5.
Justin "The Juice"
I've got an idea. I've got an idea. We do the cutdown 5, but it's rear engine.
Caleb
No, but no, here's my thought. It's mid-engine, all-wheel drive.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, we'll do an X1/9 reboot called the X2/0 or something. 5-cylinder, mid-engine, all-wheel drive. Fuck yeah, let's go.
Geno
Full set. I drive that all day, every day.
Justin "The Juice"
I, I fucking would too. You know, one of the, um, I, I one time, um, tried to get an X1/9 that was abandoned basically for like 8 or 10 years in someone's driveway. Um, one of my friends's, uh, his, his girlfriend at the time, um, her stepdad or dad or somebody had an X1/9 sitting in the driveway that had been sitting there forever. And me and my friend tried to get the thing started, but we didn't have key for it. So we tried to do everything else to kind of get it ready. And then his, uh, their— his girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us keep going with it. And it was very sad because we almost— got to the point of starting the thing. Oh, anyway, um, or maybe he lost the keys, so we bought— oh, that's right, he lost the keys, so we bought a new key cylinder for it. But then he was like, no, I don't want you digging into it anymore. And I still have that fucking key cylinder, actually.
Caleb
I—
Justin "The Juice"
yeah, I actually saw it today when I was digging through parts. I still have the key cylinder for an X1/9.
Geno
I still have the dude's number.
Justin "The Juice"
Then, uh, I probably could see if he still has it. I, I do.
Geno
Go find it then. What else you gotta do?
Justin "The Juice"
Shit, I, I could look on— you know, I should look on fucking Google, uh, Maps and see if it's still there on, uh, Street View.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Anyway, uh, Jeep. What are we doing with a Jeep?
Geno
Only one answer here. You bring back the XJ and the Comanche. They came factory with an inline-6 anyway.
Caleb
Cherokee.
Geno
Cherokee and Comanche.
Caleb
And make them very square.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes.
Caleb
And we replace the Gladiator with the Comanche.
Geno
Open up the rear goddamn doors.
Justin "The Juice"
But they still—
Caleb
Poo.
Justin "The Juice"
They still make the Cherokee and they still make— they don't make the—
Caleb
But it's not a real Cherokee.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. Yeah.
Caleb
Hmm.
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, what if we do a luxury version of— okay, hear me out.
Caleb
Here's a thought though.
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, wait, wait, no, hear me out, hear me out. Grand Wagoneer level of luxury, so top-tier Jeep luxury, right? V12, 4-wheel drive, of course it's a Jeep. Um, But we bring back the Jeepster.
Caleb
Ooh.
Justin "The Juice"
So we slap a giant V12 in the smallest— in a small Jeep that's a convertible, and it's also sort of low and long-ish, and it's kind of a little more almost car-like, but it's still 4-wheel drive and it's very luxurious.
Caleb
Now here's a thought though. I would almost argue leave Jeep alone because I believe they're already using the Hurricane in the Wagoneer and Grand Wagoneer.
Justin "The Juice"
They are. So they kind of already—
Caleb
They are already doing the thing we were wanting them to do anyway.
Justin "The Juice"
They're already fucking doing the thing.
Geno
Is the new Wagoneer just like a Durango with a slightly different body?
Caleb
It is.
Justin "The Juice"
But it's— is it a Durango or is it a new platform? I thought it was a different platform.
Caleb
I think it's a new platform, but they're bringing the Durango back.
Justin "The Juice"
Probably on the same platform. Yeah, okay, it's ass. It's just still like—
Geno
The new Grand Wagoneer? Poop from a butt.
Justin "The Juice"
It looks nice.
Geno
You're gonna come here and have the fucking audacity to call yourself a Grand Wagoneer? And and not be wagon shaped, not have wood paneling on the fucking side.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right, all right.
Geno
Time with that bullshit.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right. You're right, you're right.
Caleb
Okay, so we'll move. We'll move on.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, we'll move on. Jeep is a Jeep is a that's a fraught subject. Um, Lancia.
Caleb
Well, the obvious answer is on the same platform as the new X20. We do a new Stratos. I mean, it goes without saying.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, I would kill for that. But I don't think that's the obvious answer because Lancia also was a luxury car manufacturer, not just a sports car manufacturer. And they had shit like the Flavia and they had shit that was even bigger than that.
Caleb
And the Tama.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, the Tama.
Caleb
And they even did the new Tama, which was a Chrysler 300C.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they did. So, let's do— let's bring back the tema.
Geno
And—
Justin "The Juice"
huh. Does it get a hurricane or does it get—
Caleb
Hurricane. It gets the hurricane, but it gets the hurricane because Italy does displacement-based taxation.
Justin "The Juice"
No, it gets—
Caleb
And we're saving the 12 for the Quattroporte.
Justin "The Juice"
Tema, but it gets a— does it get the 5-cylinder Hurricane?
Caleb
Yeah, it gets the 6. I think it would get the 6.
Justin "The Juice"
I was gonna say it gets the 5 but overboosted to absolute dog shit to where it makes more power than the normal 6.
Caleb
That works too.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, all right, Maserati Quattroporte. It gets the V12, call it a day.
Caleb
Yeah, and it goes back to its roots.
Justin "The Juice"
What?
Caleb
The Quattroporte.
Justin "The Juice"
How would— what— how does it go back to its roots?
Caleb
Because the original roots of the Quattroporte, especially if you look at like the Quattroporte 3, it's— the Quattroporte 3 was a giant, long, low wedge sedan. It was basically— it looked a lot like an Italian— well, really, the Lagonda was a British interpretation of a quattroporte. Okay, you have to do the hand motion. Okay.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I'm here for that. If that— yeah, I didn't—
Caleb
okay.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Geno
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
I have been told in no uncertain terms that it is time to go to bed.
Justin "The Juice"
No.
Geno
So maybe we save this bit for the next episode and we'll pick it up.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. We do have 4 more to go.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
All right.
Geno
All right. Night all.
Justin "The Juice"
Good night.
Caleb
All right. And that's it for another round of the International Race of Champions coming to you live. Well, we just came to you live from where you get your broadcast.
Justin "The Juice"
On that note, don't forget to check your oil. And also, we have a website. We keep forgetting to plug that.
Geno
We have a website. We have a— we're on Bluesky. We're on Instagram.
Caleb
Yeah. We're on YouTube.
Justin "The Juice"
We're at your mom's house.
Geno
We're up in the attic. We're in the crawl space.
Justin "The Juice"
You gotta watch out.
Geno
Cast some chicken bones, we'll be in there.
Caleb
We are in places not even the NSA can get to. And on that note, we'll see y'all next week. Bye.
Justin "The Juice"
Bye.