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Episode 21: The Alaskan Foreign Legion
Appalachian Dance Music and Other Great Ideas
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Caleb
With 69,000 watts of pure broadcast power, this is 91.1 The Worst coming to you out of Jacksboro, Seymour, and Ball Play. Good morning and welcome to the International Race of Champions coming to you live from where you get your broadcasts. On tonight's episode, we've got tales of King Kodiak. We've got tales from Judas Holler. We've got tales about even more tales.
Justin "The Juice"
And we got—
Caleb
so join me. We got tales from Sonic. So if you don't mind my co-host over here, you know, the one, the only The EDM master of the hills of East Tennessee, the one, the only, the Juice. Kick it off with Juice Holler.
Justin "The Juice"
What are you talking about, EDM master? Acting like I'm a DJ or some shit.
Caleb
Well, you're about the only EDM person out there in the holler, so That's true.
Justin "The Juice"
I'll bust out the PA speaker and piss everybody off here in a little bit. I was planning on having a bit of a get-together rave sort of situation with my friend who is a DJ. So you're right, you're right, you're right.
Caleb
See, you know, out there, you know, a juice holler, you know, having your EDM raves and depravity and all that mess.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah. I mean, As it should be. I mean, the hills are alive with, uh, computers, uh, and beeps and boops. And, uh, you know, the Appalachian Mountains are, uh, historically, um, prime location for, uh, degenerates and, uh— not degenerates. What's, what's the word I'm looking for? Um, People who go against the grain, you know?
Caleb
So you're gonna contaminate the land of banjos and fiddles with that oontz oontz music?
Justin "The Juice"
I wouldn't say contaminate. I would say enhance. We can also have banjos in the oontz oontz.
Caleb
All right, you sold— I'm sold on it. Let's do oontz oontz banjos.
Justin "The Juice"
Banjo dubstep.
Caleb
Grassstep. There we go.
Justin "The Juice"
Grassstep.
Caleb
Holy shit.
Justin "The Juice"
That's awesome, actually. I got to get on this. Damn, I got to start producing.
Caleb
Man, International Race of Hampions. We are bringing the brightest of ideas to the media marketplace.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, those are 2 of my favorite music genres, electronic bullshit and country bullshit. Well, not country, but bluegrass bullshit.
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, I, you know, I have, I have many. I'm a dichotomous individual, if you know what I mean.
Caleb
Can you imagine though? Hear me out here, because I think, I think we found our first tangent already. About 10 seconds into this thing, but hear me out. An EDM interpretation of Oh Hell, the Knoxville Girl by the Lovin' Brothers.
Justin "The Juice"
How do I not know that song? That's— that literally would be right up my alley, I'm sure. How do I not know that song?
Caleb
It's a killing song.
Justin "The Juice"
It's about killing?
Caleb
Uh, yeah, it's bluegrass. Of course it's about killing.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, not every bluegrass song's about killing. Some are about the E-350s.
Caleb
Uh, that ain't bluegrass. That's more country.
Justin "The Juice"
No, I said E-350, not F-350.
Caleb
I mean, okay, fair enough. I mean, there's also bluegrass about killing federal agents. Yeah, but but that's that's still a killing song.
Justin "The Juice"
That's a killing song.
Caleb
I mean, Rocky Top is a killing song for crying out loud.
Justin "The Juice"
Rocky Top is a killing song. I mean, and and you and if you get a little bit too much into if the killing song is more about yourself than other people, then you're just doing blues.
Caleb
Yeah, but you slow it down a little bit, and you know you got the ha ha ha ha. Before the, you know, if you're going into the blues.
Justin "The Juice"
Now, speaking of things called blue and also bluegrass and also the— yeah, bluegrass. I don't know where I was going with that. I went to a little bluegrass adjacent festival out at Cove Lake State Park. called the Louie Bluey Festival. I was only there for like half an hour or something. I just wanted to pop by. It was free and I, you know, had a free afternoon yesterday. And yeah, they're playing some— they had some bands playing some blues. They had some bands playing some old school rock and roll, like Little Richard and stuff. And then they had just some straight up bluegrass, like a bluegrass quartet. from UTK.
Caleb
Oh, nice.
Justin "The Juice"
As well as some other bluegrass bands and everything and some soul singers and other things. And I really didn't know about the history of that festival, but I've— it's been going on for like 20 years, so I've heard of it for a while. Then I wanted to pop by and see what it was about. And apparently it was inspired by a a multi-instrumental or a multi-instrument player, uh, uh, bluegrass, uh, folk, etc., legend from Campbell County, from La Follette, um, named Louie Bluey.
Caleb
Um, hmm.
Justin "The Juice"
And, uh, yeah, I didn't really know anything about him, but, uh, he was a trailblazer in sort of a— I don't know how to describe it other than he was a Black guy out in Campbell County in the early 1900s. And he had a bluegrass quartet or some— he did a bunch of bluegrass stuff, played fiddle and whatnot. And he, you know, even during Jim Crow and everything out here in the South, he was killing it. Uh, and he's a legend. And he died in like '03 or something, and he was like 95 or some shit, because he's like, he's born in like 1909 or something. So like, bro's a legend.
Still The Juice
That's a lot.
Justin "The Juice"
He's a, he's a local legend. And it's just really cool seeing, um, like cultural stuff in Campbell County, um, that isn't just white people shit. Because like Campbell County is about the whitest place you could possibly fucking imagine. But they're— I'm just really super happy and kind of halfway surprised that there's like a cultural icon from— it surprised in a good way— cultural icon from Campbell County, from La Follette, who is a Black bluegrass player, and that the county celebrates him. And there's a bunch of old white boomers there who are loving it. And, you know, there are a lot of Black musicians and stuff. And I'm like, damn. All right. You know, these are the not racist people in Campbell County. These are my people.
Caleb
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Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, so speaking of the fucking elephant in the room, so, uh, Gino, where is he?
Caleb
Well, last I heard, he was He had been— he had been recruited by the Alaskan Foreign Legion. That's the official story anyway. Um, unofficial story is, uh, I think he missed a couple of payments on that FSO Polonaise he got from Crazy Ivan. And well, you know how it says just sign on the dotted line and we'll take care of the rest?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, they certainly took care of something, I take it.
Caleb
It sure sounds like it. Because he's done. He's done disappeared. And last I heard, he was up in Nome, Alaska, you know, fighting the war against smoking.
Justin "The Juice"
Smoking what?
Caleb
Smoking salmon.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay. They like it fresh up there. They like it raw.
Caleb
Like They like it fresh up there, you know, can't have any of that, you know, lox or any of that stuff. And cream cheese is just— cream cheese and lox on a bagel, that's just right out.
Justin "The Juice"
No, you can't have that. No, I heard he, um, I heard he was dishonorably discharged, but that's just a rumor. Oh yeah, I did. And, uh, thing is though, is that Crazy Ivan He didn't appreciate that, um, because he got, uh, he got kicked out the French Foreign—
Caleb
or French—
Justin "The Juice"
the Alaskan Foreign Legion. And, um, he got deported back to Minnesota. But since that was supposed to be punishment for, um, not paying his bills on time, uh, I think he might be in the gulag right now.
Caleb
Oh man, we gotta go bust him out of a gulag.
Justin "The Juice"
We're gonna have to go bust him out of Crazy Ivan's Gulag.
Caleb
No, bless his heart.
Justin "The Juice"
Bless his heart. I mean, Crazy Ivan's Gulag isn't too bad though, because it's really just a sandwich shop, uh, in downtown, uh, Minneapolis. He's just stuck in the back of a sandwich shop. It shouldn't be too hard.
Caleb
Yeah, you know. Making borscht.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, making, making goulash in the gulag.
Caleb
You know, just working all day, you know.
Justin "The Juice"
And with, with fresh salmon.
Caleb
Uh, yeah, with fresh salmon. Gotta be fresh. Gotta give you good stuff.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I also heard that the, the reason he got, um, dishonorably discharged was that Uh, he was running an illegal, uh, salmon farm out the attic of the barracks of the Alaskan Foreign Legion. And, um, they only found out because the snow kept melting from the grow lights on the roof, you know?
Caleb
Oh man. No, see—
Justin "The Juice"
But this is all rumor. This is all hearsay. You didn't hear it from me.
Caleb
No, I heard— I heard he got kicked out for smoking salmon out behind the barracks.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, yeah.
Caleb
Yeah. I mean, you know that song Smoking in the Boys' Room? I think his was smoking out back of the barracks.
Justin "The Juice"
Like, what, he roll it up or was it out of a bong?
Caleb
You know, I heard he was vaping it.
Justin "The Juice"
Vaping salmon. Oh my God. Oh, there's a new merch idea. Salmon flavored vapes. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. We got—
Caleb
we have fresh and lox flavors.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, we got— we got Norwegian, we got Alaskan, we got farmed.
Caleb
We got Chilean.
Justin "The Juice"
Chilean. We— are we just gonna have—
Still The Juice
we—
Justin "The Juice"
yeah, we should make a— we should make a shirt with a salmon-flavored vape on it.
Caleb
You know, just that— get that kind of iridescent effect, you know?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe some stickers.
Caleb
Oh, that'd be good. Like, get some of them iridescent stickers, just have it be a Be a vape oil slick pattern.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep, that's what that's that's what that's called in the industry is oil slick.
Caleb
Good to know. Good to know, man.
Justin "The Juice"
As as a former insider of the label industry.
Caleb
Yep. So do y'all get as high on your own supply in the label industry as they do in the salmon industry?
Justin "The Juice"
Are you saying we lick this, lick the adhesive?
Caleb
That's exactly why I'm saying no.
Justin "The Juice"
Maybe some of the chemicals will get you a little loopy from the adhesives, but, or the ink. About the only high on your own supply that you're getting is sampling the products that you're selling. If you're making weed labels, you might get free samples from the weed company, is all I'm saying.
Caleb
So did you ever make any labels for that industry?
Still The Juice
I did.
Caleb
Did they provide samples of their product?
Justin "The Juice"
Hell no, they didn't. And I'm fucking mad about it. We did get free hot sauce though.
Caleb
Hey, free hot sauce. I'll take that any day.
Justin "The Juice"
And beer. We did get beer.
Caleb
All you need's the wings now.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. Speaking of wings, um, Local redneck bar I went to to watch the Vols game. They got some damn good wings. They said they were famous for their wings. I was like, bet. I'm a— can you stand on your business? And lo and behold, they stood on their business. Those wings were fire. Some damn good sort of They called it worm sauce, and it was like sort of a hot heat or a sweet heat sort of sauce. Not too spicy at all, just a little bit of a kick. There's definitely some honey in there somewhere.
Caleb
Yeah. That don't sound like fun, though, if it don't set you on fire.
Justin "The Juice"
No, it really— I really should have told him to turn the heat up a little bit. But, but the thing was is that although the wings they brought out were a little small. Um, whatever damn breading or whatever they use on it was super crispy. The way they fried them up, super crispy.
Caleb
Nice.
Justin "The Juice"
And like, I don't think I've had a wing with that good of a texture. Like, really crispy on the outside, real nice and, and soft and juicy still on the inside.
Caleb
Yeah, it just needs a little more fire in it.
Justin "The Juice"
Which they did bring out hot sauce, like some, like, just like Louisiana You know, some Tabasco.
Caleb
Yeah, that ain't hot. No, I got no heat to it.
Justin "The Juice"
But look, this is, this is like a white trash bar. If it was any hotter, somebody would have died.
Caleb
See, I'm gonna stop you right there. Speaking as someone who tends to be in, you know, that redneck white trash category, you know, who grew up there. I grew up, you know, getting stuff like, you know, Flamin' Ass and, you know, like Dick's Flamin' Ass and, uh, you know, Ratchet Keister down at Valdez Hardware. And, uh, I mean, we're talking these jokers— if we'd had Carolina Reapers when I was growing up They would have found a way to put Carolina Reaper in it. I mean, no, me speaking as, you know, redneck West Tennessean. I mean, even if we can't stand the heat, we're— we want the hottest stuff you can get just so we can dare somebody else to eat it.
Justin "The Juice"
You know, I was mostly just obviously making a white people joke. But you're right, rednecks are a little bit more about the heat. than suburbanites. Point, point being, um, Carolina Reaper, that was invented by Smokin' Ed Currie, right?
Caleb
Who's a Southerner.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah, he is. And he's a white guy. And here's the connection. That was one of the, uh, people we made labels for, hot sauce labels for.
Caleb
Nice.
Justin "The Juice"
He, uh, I think his, uh, I'm not— I think it's his company.
Caleb
Pucker Butt.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, Pucker Butt. We made labels for Pucker Butt. Yep. So we got, we got, we got Pucker Butt sauce and whatever, uh, the purple one is. That shit put me on my fucking ass. I died.
Caleb
Oh man, that's good stuff there.
Justin "The Juice"
I literally Died. And I am deceased. I am a ghost because the Carolina Reaper killed me.
Caleb
Hey, if you don't have just a little death with your hot sauce, is it really hot enough?
Justin "The Juice"
I also had it at like 8 in the morning, which was— that was, that was a choice. At work. At work.
Caleb
You just put it on your eggs, man. You know, put it on your eggs.
Justin "The Juice"
You know, we had, we had, uh, we had like, uh, uh, biscuits and sausage and shit, and I put it on like a sausage biscuit and I died at 8 in the morning at work. And I had to work, and like literally like an hour or 2 afterwards, I was still like, had tears in my eyes while I was working.
Caleb
I mean, I got some Reaper downstairs. That's good stuff.
Justin "The Juice"
It is Smokin' Ed's Slavic Plum.
Caleb
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Justin "The Juice"
It was tasty as shit. And it killed me.
Caleb
Hey, as I said, you know, everyone needs a little death once in a while.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. I'm sure Crazy Ivan's a fan of the Slavic Plum.
Caleb
Oh, absolutely. You know, put about half a bottle in the borscht, you know.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, half a bottle in the borscht, half a bottle in the gas tank. It's an octane booster.
Caleb
Man, Crazy Ivan's combination jet fuel marinade hot sauce.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, just make sure you pay him on time. Otherwise, you're—
Caleb
You're gonna be making borscht.
Justin "The Juice"
You're either gonna be making borscht or you're gonna be fighting the war on Salmon smoking.
Caleb
Hey, that war on smoked salmon ain't no joke. Let me tell you what, it's not. I'm doing my part, but I eat every smoked salmon that comes across my desk.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, tell Gino that because he clearly didn't get the memo.
Caleb
Oh, I mean, his problem is he was getting high on his own supply.
Justin "The Juice"
That's fair. You know, is it like moonshine? Where if you smoke your own salmon without it being taxed, it's illegal. But it's not like, you know, it's not like illegal to smoke salmon.
Caleb
You just gotta pay your taxes. All right.
Still The Juice
All right.
Caleb
Hey, revenuers, they're coming for everyone.
Justin "The Juice"
And then, you know, the bootleggers, the smoked salmon bootleggers, they, they drive Volvos.
Caleb
Oh, absolutely. I mean, no, the ones that are worse though, the lootfisk, the lootfisk smugglers, let me tell you what. You know, you can see them coming from a mile off because they're all in Sobs.
Justin "The Juice"
But the, you know, the, you know where the real money is?
Caleb
Where's the real money at?
Justin "The Juice"
The real money is from the century egg smugglers. Isn't that, isn't that a Nordic thing?
Caleb
Century egg? No, that's Chinese.
Justin "The Juice"
That's Chinese shit. I actually was thinking that for a sec. What's the nasty, what's the nasty Nordic—
Caleb
Oh, surströmming.
Justin "The Juice"
Surströmming. That's— yeah, yeah, yeah, I was getting my nasty shit mixed up. The surströmming smugglers. Sorry, that's where the real money is. And you'll also see them coming a mile away because they're in Cohensakes.
Caleb
They gotta get that shit.
Justin "The Juice"
They gotta get that shit out of their car fast.
Caleb
Yeah, the surströmming guy just This guy's Koenigsegg doing about, you know, 180, 190, just throws it out the window at you.
Justin "The Juice"
It smacks you in the face at about, at about $1.50.
Caleb
Oh, that smell though.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, it's really the smell that kills you, not even the velocity.
Caleb
Yeah, I think that's what, uh, I think that's what Leonard Skinner actually wrote That Smell about.
Justin "The Juice"
Not about, not about heroin addiction.
Caleb
No, it's surstromming. Psst, Tavares, you want automobile?
Still The Juice
Come on down to Crazy Ivan's Automotive Center. We have every car you could possibly dream of. Lada. Lada, Lada, guys, Trabant and Lada. Disregard black Volga. It is not for sale. It is nobody's car, and it's already following you. Go quietly into trunk. Sign da on the dotted line, and we take care of all of the details and all of the paperwork.
Justin "The Juice"
Hey, speaking of the fucking drunk ass fucks at the bar. Uh, last night, uh, they were appreciating my car. They were like, that's a Skyline wagon, ain't it? I'm like, yeah, sir. I mean, kinda, not really, but yeah, yeah. And I was like, I was like, I was like fucked up, and I was trying to explain it to them. And this one girl, she was like, oh, I saw you, you're on the other side, that car's cool as shit. I'm like, yeah, come see it. And I like stumble outside and show her my car.
Caleb
Hey, it's an icebreaker, man.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it is. I love— the rednecks love it now. And they know, they know what a Skyline is, you know, even out here. They know what a Skyline— even the, even the boomer asses, they know what a Skyline is.
Caleb
We all been playing Gran Turismo since we were 7. Of course we know what a Skyline is.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes, sir.
Caleb
I mean, Now we need somebody to head out there in a Twingo.
Justin "The Juice"
Now that'll really throw them for a loop, especially if it's right-hand drive, because they won't bat an eye if it's not.
Caleb
They never made a right-hand drive first-gen Twingo.
Justin "The Juice"
No shit, they didn't?
Caleb
Even the Japanese market ones were left-hand drive.
Justin "The Juice"
That's great.
Caleb
Um, which they did sell them officially in Japan, but they just didn't convert them because they said, fuck it. Well, not just that, but in Japan, having a left-hand drive car is a status symbol. I'm too good to drive on the right like the rest of the plebeians. I'm going to drive on the left. Which is also why you see so many left-hand drive Mercs, like AMGs coming out of Japan.
Justin "The Juice"
Interesting.
Caleb
Because it's a status thing for them.
Justin "The Juice"
So I'm gonna export a clapped-out 3rd gen Camaro.
Caleb
They got the 3rd gen.
Justin "The Juice"
They got the 3rd gen officially?
Caleb
I think they did, yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, I'll just— fine, I give up. I'm gonna import Uh, uh, uh, Toyota Cavalier. I give up.
Caleb
I mean, it ain't that hard. All you gotta do is just go down to the— go down to the Chevrolet dealership and order your badges. They got GM part numbers.
Still The Juice
Shit.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, yeah, but it wouldn't be right-hand drive.
Caleb
Doesn't matter.
Justin "The Juice"
Wasn't the one there— wasn't the Toyota Cavalier right-hand drive?
Caleb
I, I'm pretty sure it was left. Let me double check. Okay, no, it was, uh, it was the only right-hand drive variant of that platform. Ahaha!
Justin "The Juice"
All right, I want me a right-hand drive Cavalier, and I want the exhaust rusted off as God intended.
Caleb
Amen. Amen. Oh man. See, the thing is they picked the wrong variant of that platform because they should have used the Sunfire.
Justin "The Juice"
They should have. The Sunfire convertible.
Caleb
Oh, that would have been a good one.
Justin "The Juice"
What's the most JDM thing you could do with like, okay, you're an American. Yeah, you, you import a Toyota Cavalier and you treat it like it's a JD— like an actual JDM car, and you want to be #JDMYO at your, at your local import show. What do you do?
Caleb
Oh, I mean, hmm.
Justin "The Juice"
We doing— we're talking VIP. It's not a big body, so I don't think VIP would work. I guess you could just stance the dog shit out of it, but I don't—
Caleb
I don't know. Bosozoku.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes! Okay, no, that's the answer. That's the answer. Fucking Bosozoku Silhouette Racer body kit on a goddamn fucking On a J-body. On a J-body.
Caleb
Yes!
Justin "The Juice"
Because I was about to say, I'm hesitant to just say generic tuner style because people in America did do that to Cavaliers back in the day. People had fucking sex-spec tuner cars. I know sex-spec's an Australian thing, but just to get the point across, you know, people did that all the time to fucking Cavaliers back in the day. So no, both are dope though. Yeah.
Caleb
Exhaust stack, you know, get yourself 6-foot exhaust stacks.
Justin "The Juice"
6-foot exhaust.
Caleb
On a Cavalier and— No, no, no, no, no.
Justin "The Juice"
10-foot exhaust straight up in the fucking air and the top of it is bent into the shape of a Chevy bowtie.
Caleb
Yeah, there we go.
Justin "The Juice"
And it's on some Watts. It's slammed on Watts.
Caleb
Slam it on Watts.
Justin "The Juice"
Slam it on Watts. It's got a 20-foot long— maybe not 20-foot, but exaggerate, but you know, 20-foot long splitter on the front.
Caleb
Yeah, get your—
Justin "The Juice"
It's a Natasha too.
Caleb
International Race of Hampians bringing you the most obnoxious auto build fantasies.
Justin "The Juice"
This is the shit that I— if I had unlimited money, I wouldn't have a collection of Lamborghinis. I would do shit like that.
Caleb
If I had unlimited money, Well, first thing I'd do is put a, put a new battery in the Fiat, but yeah, and then I would start my life— my lifelong goal that I just came up with 10 seconds ago, to acquire and restore every single first-generation Twingo on the South American continent.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, you, you gotta, you gotta watch out. You're gonna have like 30,000 trans girls like jump at you all at once. They love the Twingo.
Caleb
You know, straight— it's like straight dudes also love the Twingo.
Justin "The Juice"
And I guess everybody loves the Twingo.
Caleb
Everyone loves a Twingo. You know what?
Justin "The Juice"
You're right. Everyone loves a Twingo.
Caleb
I mean, my wife, who is not a car person at all, loves the Twingo.
Justin "The Juice"
If my gay ass drives a Twingo, is it a Twinko?
Caleb
Do we need to get you a Twingo and just like make you a— because you don't have a badge on it. It's just a little decal. Just make you a new badge for it that says Twingo.
Justin "The Juice"
That's that's my plate too. Have a euro plate in the front that says that.
Caleb
Oh man! Somebody has already done the K in the correct font because there is somebody that built one and badged it as a Quingo because it's a K swap.
Justin "The Juice"
That's awesome, first of all. Second of all, I already guarantee you some, like, German twink somewhere is driving around in one with—
Caleb
Or French.
Justin "The Juice"
Or French, with that joke already made. I'm probably not the first person to make that joke.
Caleb
But you'd be the first one in America.
Justin "The Juice"
Here's hoping.
Caleb
This is 91.1 The Worst. And you are listening to the International Race of Hampians. Your friends at the 35th First Pentecostal Full Gospel New Reformed Independent Presbyterian Assembly invite y'all to come on down to the meeting house on Sunday to receive the word from the good book. Reverend Billy Ray Collins from the Sword of Joshua Independent Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly Just cross the line and North Carolina is giving this week's word. Sunday school at 8:30, main service at 10, and wrapping up for lunch by noon. Night service at 7 on Sunday and Wednesday, just off the corner of Church and Main and Ballplay. The door's always open.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, All right, let's— I got an idea for a little game. It's sort of like the, um, Cars Against Humanity thing we were doing, but a lot simpler.
Caleb
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
I'll come up with a scenario, you tell me the stupidest or best car, whatever you think is, is good for that scenario, and then vice versa.
Caleb
All right. All righty. Um, You're—
Justin "The Juice"
all right, first scenario. You're, uh, going to Snake Church.
Caleb
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
In rural Georgia. You know what I mean by Snake Church?
Caleb
Yeah, well, snake handling church.
Justin "The Juice"
Snake handlers. You're going to Snake Church. And you're about it. You're about that life. It's the best car to show up with.
Caleb
Well, knowing what I know about that particular scene in northeastern Georgia, which, considering that I did do some studying of the psychology of religion and read some research papers by a, uh, researcher down at UT Chattanooga whose specialty was on snake handling churches and psych of religion. Hmm. And just knowing what I know, the correct answer to this is actually Panther, specifically a Mercury Grand Marquis.
Justin "The Juice"
I was gonna say it has to be Grand Marquis.
Caleb
Because the Crown Vic is too basic. It's not nice enough. enough for, you know, going to church on Sunday car. But also the Lincoln is just— I mean, you're just putting on airs if you're driving a town car.
Justin "The Juice"
That is the perfect answer. I don't think I could— the only other thing, you know, what I was thinking was Ford LTD, which same vibe.
Caleb
I mean, the LTD was just It was a Grand Marquis for people who didn't want to put on airs.
Justin "The Juice"
Their pinky was not out.
Caleb
Exactly.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right, good answer. Fantastic answer. All right, give me some bullshit.
Caleb
All right, so you're screaming through the valley where the nation of Botna flows, through the mud and crud and cornfields where the marijuana grows. What are you driving when Smokey gets on your tail?
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, I can't say the obvious answer.
Caleb
Um, I mean, if it helps any, Smokey's got a Ford that's been stroked and bored.
Justin "The Juice"
GMT 800, supercharged.
Caleb
Why the 800? And which GMT 800? Because there's a variety of GMT 800 out there.
Justin "The Juice"
Pick your poison, but I'll just say I'll go basic-ass Silverado. Silverado.
Caleb
All right. Z71 or just a basic 1500 2-wheel drive?
Justin "The Juice"
It's a Z71. It's a Z71. It's a 4x4, but it's clapped. Rear window's busted out.
Caleb
All right, all right. What color is it and why?
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, green, faded to shit, clear coat peeling. And, uh, why?
Caleb
YF800. Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
Just feels right.
Caleb
That's all right.
Justin "The Juice"
That's just like quintessential I'm doing something illegal in the backcountry. Sort of car truck.
Caleb
All right. All right.
Justin "The Juice"
It just, it just feels kind of like a rolling felony.
Caleb
I mean, that's called owning a GMT 800. And, uh, and it don't matter which 800 either. It could be Silverado, Tahoe, Suburban, Escalade. It don't matter.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Still The Juice
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
And, uh, weed smoke's just coming out of the back windows. And, uh, Marlboro—
Caleb
Marlboro— I'd say Reds.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
I think Reds fit the vibe.
Justin "The Juice"
Packer Reds. Packer Reds on the dash. Yep, that's, that's what I'm— that's what you're running from Smokey in.
Caleb
We know why you're running.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I mean, It's a GMT 800. That's why you're running. It is, it is supercharged though. You did it years ago when you actually had a good job. And since then your life has gone down downhill to hell, but it's still running.
Caleb
I mean, that's the kind of vehicle, you know, the story, you know, the plant closed.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, yeah.
Caleb
You know, wife took the dog, that sort of thing. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. And it's straight piped, of course.
Caleb
No, yeah, of course.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, I shouldn't even have to say it. Oh, and it's on some— it's on some chrome. It's on some shitty peeling chrome wheels.
Caleb
Yeah, I'll give you that. All right, what you got for me? What's the scenario?
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, you're, you're in rural Central Florida and you're going to Central South Florida and you're going to Piggly Wiggly. Uh, you need some groceries. Panhandle, Apalachicola, outside Tallahassee, like bumfuck outside Tallahassee. That's where you're going.
Caleb
I know, I, I dated somebody from Lake City. I know.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, so you're going to Piggly Wiggly to pick up some groceries. Um, it's, it's 11 AM. You just woke up. And it is a Sunday. No, it's a Saturday. No, no, it's a Tuesday. And it's your— and it's your only day off from work. And for some reason, that day is Tuesday.
Caleb
All right. All right. Now, going on my memories of this part of the world, because it's been a couple of years since I've been up there. Down there, around there. Hmm. The real question is, do I go with the enthusiast version of the answer? Or do I go with the most realistic version of the answer?
Justin "The Juice"
You are the average person in this scenario.
Caleb
Okay, so I'm, I'm gonna put it out here for our listeners. I am leaning on my memories from about 12, 13 years ago. When I was actually, you know, in that area a fair bit. But I would say mid to late '90s Saturn and kind of that dark green, you know, but again, clear coat shot because it's a '90s GM product. Uh, the head gasket, it ain't gone yet, it ain't leaking yet, but It's a, it's a late '90s Saturn, you know, it's just, it's a ticking time bomb. You know it's gonna happen. You just ain't— and you know it's gonna happen. You know it because everyone you work with drives them and it's gonna— it's happened to them already. You know, you're just next in line the way you drive because you got an hour drive to work every day and, you know, just that back and forth, you know, it's It's gonna happen with the miles you put on the car, but you know, it's holding in for now. And it's, you know, it's a bit worn, it's a bit torn, because again, you know, that '90s GM interior quality. But it's gonna be, you know, that 4-door sedan. It's gonna be like your SL2. It's gonna be like that, uh, SL2 or SL4, the 4-door. of it, kind of that, you know, kind of a base model, but with an automatic, because you sprung for the automatic. You spent, you spent the $500 for the extra to get the automatic.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, you know, you didn't buy it new. It's a hand-me-down from your grandma.
Caleb
Well, yeah. Well, grandma spent the $500 to get the automatic and you got your Sony Explode CD player in there. You know, with the red lights and the remote, and you got your Sony Explode subwoofer in the back, and you know, you're just— and all's kind of right in the world while you're driving. Because, you know, this is again from my memories, you know, it's got that 2012, 2013 era, but all's right in the world as you're listening to, you know, Creed and Eminem going the pig.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. All right.
Caleb
That's good.
Justin "The Juice"
That works. That fits. All right. Um, give me something.
Caleb
Alrighty. Alrighty. So it is— alrighty. It's a Friday afternoon, Friday evening, ground sunset. You're in Yellow Creek, Mississippi, and you decided you wanted to go snooping around the construction site for where they were going to put the Yellow Creek Nuclear Power Plant back in the '80s before government shut it down. And then later on, NASA was going to build a solid rocket motor construction facility. Which the government also shut down. You do not know that in the time between the last time you were out there looking around and now, a defense contractor out of Huntsville has leased out a fair bit of this land. What are you driving to get in and out of there undetected?
Justin "The Juice"
What year is it?
Caleb
We'll say 2012, 2013.
Justin "The Juice"
Hmm. Now that you threw a wrench into it with saying get out of there, get in and out undetected, because I had an answer, but now I got to change it. You're driving a 2004 Cadillac DTS.
Caleb
That's a bold move. So why did you pick something with a 4.6 Northstar?
Justin "The Juice"
Look, it runs. You did the head gasket, you did the, the, the, the head bolts. It's fine. All right.
Caleb
So you put, so you did this, you put the ARP studs in. All right.
Still The Juice
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, So I went with this decision. Let's say it's black tinted windows. I went with it simply because you're a low-level government person. Um, you know, I was gonna say maybe like an, uh, an Econoline, you know, van, like a white van, a work van. Uh, look like you're, you know, wear a hi-vis vest maybe. But I think then you might get talked to. If you're in that DTS, they're gonna just think you're surveying the situation. Probably won't get bugged, especially if it's clean.
Caleb
All right, all right.
Justin "The Juice"
That's, that's where I'm going with it. I don't know if that's the greatest answer though. Where my brain first originally went, because you said '80s, was like, well, you're showing up in a Pinto.
Caleb
But yeah, it's—
Justin "The Juice"
show up in a Pinto in 2012 and that's not covert in any capacity.
Caleb
Now I can tell you what I drove when I passed through this situation in about that same era.
Justin "The Juice"
Was it the Mazda 3?
Caleb
It was not. It was before I had the Mazda 3.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, what was it?
Caleb
Volvo 240 station wagon.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
Color code 412, Tropic Green Metallic.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Do you think the DTS would have fit in?
Caleb
So the thing with the DTS is in that part of Mississippi, the DTS is a rich people car, whereas the, uh, But Volvo 240, for whatever reason— well, I know of a reason, and it involves my Uncle Bob. The Volvo 240 is just— was at the time just common enough because, uh, Rod Province over in Adamsville, Tennessee, for a long time he run a junkyard over there, and he found that Rear-drive Volvos, for whatever reason, he could get them real cheap. Bob could fix them, or Uncle Bob could fix them real cheap, and he could sell them and make a pretty decent profit for them. And so for a long time, there were a ton of Volvo 240s running around Hardin, McNairy County, Tennessee, Tishomingo County, Mississippi. And my Uncle Bob kept about 3/4 of them on the road for a while. And because I drove a green Volvo station wagon and Uncle Bob drove a green Volvo station wagon, for folks who didn't really know the car super well, oh, it's just old Bob.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. All right. That makes sense. That makes sense. That's— yeah, you know, maybe the GTS would stand out a little bit too much because even if it was like, oh, it's government, you know, you would get noticed. So actually, yeah, I think, I think my answer wasn't the greatest. Um, yeah, square body. No, no, not square body Chevy. I have GMT 800 again. It always is the GMT 800. That's the answer to everything.
Caleb
Hey, the universal vehicle, GMT 800. You heard it here, folks.
Justin "The Juice"
Just like, uh, you know, uh, they used— they always say Miata is the answer to everything. I counter that and say GMT 800.
Caleb
See, I disagree, but that's only because I think the 400 is actually a way better truck.
Justin "The Juice"
That's the '90s one?
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
You know what, but also, I, I, I'm gonna stick with 800 even though I like the 400 better and think it's a better truck.
Caleb
And also the 400 just has a class to it that the 800 doesn't.
Still The Juice
It does.
Justin "The Juice"
The exact— that's my point. The 800 is kind of trashy. The 400 is classy. It's very classy.
Caleb
Now the real question is original or cat eye 800?
Justin "The Juice"
Either. Uh, but if I guess if I had to choose, cat eye.
Caleb
See, I agree with you because there's just, there's still a little bit of class with the OG 800, you know?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
It still has a little bit of class. And I say this, you know, grandpa had a champagne metallic GMC Sierra GMT 800. Um, Grandpa also said that every time he bought a GM product, he regretted it. And this was no exception. And, uh, there's a reason he traded it in on a Nissan Titan 2 years later.
Justin "The Juice"
I was today years old when I found out that there is, uh, the 800 had a hybrid version. And that was Chevy's first hybrid was a GMT 800 Cat Eye.
Caleb
Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
And I'm baffled by that. But, um, I knew the gen after had a hybrid, you know, a mild hybrid system. I did not realize that the GMT 800 had a hybrid system. Kind of crazy.
Caleb
Yeah, pretty rare too. Um, yeah, they only built a few hundred, I think. All right, throw me a scenario. Last scenario.
Justin "The Juice"
Last scenario. Um, You're, you're taking a road trip on a, on a budget from Portland, Maine to Montreal and back.
Caleb
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
And your wife is with you.
Caleb
All right. What year am I doing this in?
Justin "The Juice"
2026. It's right now. It's present.
Caleb
All right. So 2026, Portland, Maine to Montreal. Mm-hmm. And I've got my wife with me.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, and in Montreal, you're gonna be— you're gonna be— you're going— you're gonna— you're going to a convention of some sort. So you're gonna have to park it, you're gonna have to deal with city traffic, etc.
Caleb
Okay, okay.
Justin "The Juice"
So you can't just show up and take the public transit everywhere. Like, you actually have to consider that you're going to be driving in the city a little bit.
Caleb
Okay, so, hmm, and do I have a budget?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, uh, I mean, to buy the car?
Caleb
Yeah, buy or rent?
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Um, sure. Um, $7,500.
Caleb
Oh, that's— that throws out every idea I had.
Justin "The Juice"
And you got a budget to get you— like, you're trying to save as much fuel as possible.
Caleb
Yeah, see, I had an idea in mind because of a fuel crisis right now. And you just blew that one out of the water.
Justin "The Juice"
But you have plenty of time to prepare, and you can do any repairs you might need to said vehicle.
Caleb
First generation Honda Insight.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, I was gonna say first generation Prius would be a good answer, but I forgot you're an Insight person.
Caleb
Also, Insight gets way better mileage.
Justin "The Juice"
That's fair, and it's stick.
Caleb
And for 7—
Justin "The Juice"
Is it wife approved?
Caleb
It is. She thinks they're cute. All right, all right, all right. So, and here's why I would go inside, because you can still get them fairly inexpensively with dead IMA packs. You can get them for, you know, between $2,000 to $3,000 all day long with a dead IMA pack. So we'll say $3,000. For the extra $4,500, You can do the lithium— you can do the lithium pack conversion with manual IMA control, which basically gets you a— and what that does, for those who are not familiar with the lithium BCM, the LiBCM packs, that sort of thing, it's basically a way to retrofit batteries from the electric Ford C-Max.
Still The Juice
Hmm.
Caleb
Into a first-gen Insight. And then the manual IMA control basically gives you full manual control over the little pancake electric motor that sits between the engine and transmission. And you do that, and as long as you remember to plug the thing in, you can pretty consistently with a You know, at normal highway speeds, you can get pretty consistently, you know, between 900 and 1,000 miles on a tank, and it's a 10-gallon tank.
Justin "The Juice"
I think the answer is GMT 800 Hybrid. No, no, no.
Caleb
Now, if I did not have a fuel budget, or a spending budget for vehicles.
Justin "The Juice"
Take the budget out. Road trip to Montreal to the, the lip balm convention. I don't know if there's a lip balm convention there.
Caleb
I don't know. We'll say there is.
Justin "The Juice"
We'll say there is.
Caleb
Money no object. I'm thinking long-range Lucid Air.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay.
Caleb
Or Ioniq 6.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay.
Caleb
Because I think the Ioniq 6 is an absolutely gorgeous car.
Justin "The Juice"
I do too. It reminds me of, um, it reminds me of Saabs for some reason.
Caleb
See, I get more Art Deco era. I get like more 1930s Audi vibes out of it.
Justin "The Juice"
See, I get like Saab 96 out of it.
Caleb
Weird, because as I said, I'm getting like 1930s, like Audi Streamliner. Yeah. Out of it. Yeah. Kind of that Art Deco-y thing.
Still The Juice
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
No, I see what you're saying. But like the Saab 96 also is kind of like a sort of that shape.
Still The Juice
That's—
Justin "The Juice"
I don't know. That's what I get from it.
Caleb
I can see it. I can see it. It's definitely not a Saab 6/7.
Still The Juice
Boo!
Caleb
Do you find yourself wondering late at night when they are gonna strike again? When you're gonna see them invading your house, your home, your kitchen? If this message resonates with You, you need kills-all tactical bug removal. We come in and we say kill 'em all. This is 91.1 The Worst, and you are listening to the International Race of Hampians.
Justin "The Juice"
I gotta go bust Gino out of the gulag.
Caleb
Yeah, you know, let's go bust him out of a gulag, you know, before he, you know, eats his own weight in borscht.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I'll, um, we'll take a GMT 800. I'll go steal a GMT 800 just so they don't know who it is.
Caleb
So they don't know which criminal it is.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, exactly. It'll be nondescript as hell.
Caleb
I mean, you could just go out and get a Kia. I mean, yeah, if you got Hey, Kias are free if you got a USB cable. That's all I'm saying.
Justin "The Juice"
It's ironic they're called Kias because you don't need a Kia.
Caleb
All right, any last words for our listeners?
Justin "The Juice"
Um, don't forget to check your caviar level.
Caleb
All right, check your caviar. On that note, we'll see y'all next week. Bye.
Justin "The Juice"
Bye.