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Episode 20: Put Up Your (Iron) Dukes
When the madness finally takes root in our charming, handsome hosts...
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Caleb
Good morning and welcome to the International Race of Hammpions, coming to you live from where you get your broadcast. On tonight's episode, we've got tales from the Great White North, we've got tales from the reservoir, and we have the conclusion to yet more bureaucracy. So tonight we're gonna kick it off with the one, the only, the glizzy gladiator of the Great Lakes, Gino!
Geno
Yeah, it's been a, been a productive couple of days up here. Had a, had a friend over the other day and They had a, uh, they have a '94 940, uh, Regina car. Nice little—
Caleb
I've had one of them sedan. Nice. You mean the wrong body?
Justin "The Juice"
What's a Regina car?
Geno
Um, how do we explain this one? It's a, it's a different, uh, fuel and ignition system Made by Bendix instead of Bosch, or is it Siemens?
Caleb
I think it's, it was Bendix. It's a, it's a weird French thing, which ties into a recurring theme around here. So it's a weird French, uh, electronic ignition fuel injection system, and it yields considerably better fuel mileage on a red block. At the expense of horsepower.
Geno
Mm-hmm.
Justin "The Juice"
Alright.
Geno
It's, it's not dissimilar in power to the NA Red Blocks.
Justin "The Juice"
But why is it called Regina?
Geno
Just what they called it.
Caleb
Well—
Geno
Or it's technically, it's Rex Regina, 'cause one is the ignition and the other is the fuel. I forget which is which.
Justin "The Juice"
Isn't the, isn't the city in Canada pronounced Regina? Yeah, who knows? And maybe it has something to do with Regina and Siemens, if you know what I'm saying.
Geno
Got your vaginas full of Siemens?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
I ain't had enough novelty beverages to put up with y'all.
Geno
I'm running on a, on a Monster Strawberry Fields.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, those are good.
Geno
And a tin of, uh, tin of calamari. So.
Caleb
No worries. I'm also down here on Team Monster with the good old Pacific Punch.
Justin "The Juice"
I have not had any caffeine today, so I'm loopy.
Caleb
That explains a lot.
Geno
All right, so, uh, so my friend that I talked into buying this 940 because I'm a good friend—
Justin "The Juice"
As one does.
Geno
Yeah, the, uh, the stock sunroof was off the track and it's not—
Caleb
they all are.
Geno
It's not worth repairing because It's fucked. And she— sorry, they'd been talking to their mechanic and he said, you know, it's not worth fixing. If you find— if you can find one, you could just replace it, and that might be worth doing if you can get one cheap enough, but otherwise just seal it up with something and send it. But The, uh, U-Pull yard was running a 40% off Labor Day sale, like we discussed in the last episode.
Caleb
Indeed.
Geno
So I went down and pulled a, pulled a nice glass sunroof out of a 960. And yeah, the other day they came by and we put that in their car and looks boss.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
Moving on up in the world.
Geno
Only sliced my hand open a little bit on the, the metal frame of the old sunroof as it came out.
Justin "The Juice"
Was it a metal roof before and now it's glass?
Geno
It is— it's not metal, it's like painted plastic with absolutely roached clear coat because they all get that.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, but it wasn't, it wasn't clear, it wasn't glass?
Geno
It was not glass. Now it's—
Justin "The Juice"
All right, and yeah, moving up in the world.
Caleb
Yep. Hey, you gotta have those little luxury touches, especially with the way the world's going these days.
Geno
So we got that in and I gave them a set of floor mats I picked up for them from, uh, from one of the guys on Turbo Bricks. Shout out Too Many Turbos.
Caleb
Indeed. Good man.
Justin "The Juice"
What's too many? What's too many?
Geno
Yeah, he's a, he's a good guy. He's helped me out of several jams.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, that just makes me think of compound, uh, like triple compound turbos on like drag racing diesel trucks. Why aren't we doing that on Volvos?
Geno
What's that weird French, uh, engine with the, the one in— it's the inline-4 With two exhausts and one intake.
Caleb
Oh, I know what you're talking about, but I don't remember.
Justin "The Juice"
I actually don't know what you're talking about. What was it in? If it ain't a PRV V6, I don't want it.
Caleb
Well, wow! I didn't realize we had certain. Member of Turbo Bricks on the board here.
Justin "The Juice"
Is there somebody who's a PRV enthusiast? There's a couple of apologists, actually. Hey, I just—I'm—I'm a fan. I'm a fan because they were in some really good weird cars. The Peugeot 505 had one. Um, at least certain trims, although the, the X, uh, XR3DS or whatever the hell was in my 505, I might, I might like that better.
Caleb
But nonetheless, also in us, I was gonna say it's also in a certain fire-breathing monster that was documented on the forum way back in the day, but I mean, it's also in a DeLorean. The fire-breathing monster is cooler than a DeLorean, and Gino knows what I'm referring to.
Geno
I do. But like, you know what's even cooler? The fire-breathing monster engine in a DeLorean.
Justin "The Juice"
That, that's what I'm saying.
Geno
Because the doors go woof.
Justin "The Juice"
Twin turbo a DeLorean and you're, you're fucking set for life. Oh man. And you're not just breathing fire. You're laying down strips of fire when that baby hits 88.
Caleb
You make a good point, but man, that was a cool build though.
Geno
That rally car. Oh, it's the Lancia Triflux.
Caleb
So it's Italian, not French.
Geno
Italian, not French. Still weird. I only thought it was French because of the weirdness.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, it's gonna be one or the other. It's gonna be, uh, it's gonna be the Italians or the French.
Geno
And it had, uh, the intake ports and exhaust ports were crosswise on the head, so each side had one intake and exhaust, but they were set Opposite ends.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, it's in the Delta S4.
Geno
Yeah, and it would shut down one set of the— one side exhaust at low RPM and just boost off the one turbo, and then open the other one up at higher RPM and boost off both because they're insane.
Justin "The Juice"
Then didn't they have a dual-charged version of that engine?
Geno
They were— they might have.
Justin "The Juice"
And, uh, you know who else has a dual-charged engine? Volvo.
Caleb
Yeah, but we don't count the green blocks.
Justin "The Juice"
Is that what the new ones are called? Is that— you call them green blocks? Yeah. Interesting.
Caleb
It's like you got red block, white block, green block. Almost an Italian flag. Has anyone tried?
Geno
Is tri flux swap the 240?
Justin "The Juice"
I'm hearing green block swap a 240.
Caleb
No tri flux. It'll be more reliable.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but how many of those tri fluxes were made? About like 20 of them for rallying and. Like, there's at least, you know, at least the, the green blocks of production engine.
Geno
Depending on class, I would almost say at least 50 for homologation purposes.
Justin "The Juice"
But yeah, fair, fair. Yeah. Speaking of rallying, there's a rally out here this weekend that my broke ass is probably gonna miss unless I decide to not eat And just go rally instead, uh, or go watch a rally instead because it's out in Newport. So it's about an hour and a half, hour 45 away, but then it's even farther deeper into the woods. Um, and, uh, yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get out to that just because the gas money is gonna be killer. Um, but holy shit, I mean, it's going on right now. It was going on yesterday, uh, it's going on today, and the last stage, uh, is tomorrow. And then they have a, a special stage that they run around Newport Speedway, and they have a jump. And like, uh, yeah, I kind of want to go see that really bad.
Geno
It does sound pretty dope.
Caleb
That does sound awesome. Meanwhile, I'm over here, um, also in Broke Land, seriously regretting that I cannot go see Rally Paraguay this year because I think that's going on like right around now.
Justin "The Juice"
Supposedly next year they're bringing the WRC to East Tennessee out here, and I wouldn't be surprised if they're going to be running some of the same roads that they're running for this one. Um, because this is called the Overmountain Rally and it's run by the ARA. Um, and the ARA is obviously who's partnering with the WRC to bring shit, uh, out to East Tennessee.
Geno
Um, so what I'm hearing is next year we do like a live meeting of the Hampians and go watch some rally.
Justin "The Juice"
I, I think that would be a fantastic idea. Hey, I'm not just some rally. But the actual fucking WRC, like I was already taught, it's funny y'all mentioned that.
Caleb
I was, uh, I was talking to my wife earlier and, uh, earlier today. And one of the things I mentioned, cause I think I've mentioned on an earlier broadcast that we're looking at moving the studio of Champions due to some structural issues and We got our legal eagle on the case and all that mess, but, uh, we're looking at places that are a bit smaller, a bit cheaper. And I looked at her and I said, one of the things I'm looking forward to is I want to see Rally Portugal next year. Which, you know, that's good because they run it up in the north of Portugal and all, and She can visit her grandmother. I'll go watch her rally cars.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah. I mean, lo and behold, we all win. Little does she know her grandma's actually a co-driver in the rally.
Caleb
Oh man. You know, I mean, yeah. Not so sure it fits her grandmother's personality, but, I mean, hell, I'll encourage it. Go get some yams in.
Justin "The Juice"
Be like, Granny, you like journaling? It's like journaling, but about the road in front of you.
Caleb
Oh no, it's, you know, bless her heart. She's, uh, you know, she's pushing 90 and all that, but, uh, so are the rally cars.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
And the rally cars are doing it sideways in midair.
Geno
She's not. Granny's slacking. But, uh, I'm sure she's a nice lady.
Caleb
Yeah, but no, we're gonna— we're actually gonna stop in and visit while we're, uh, on our European tour. So who knows, might get to, uh, record a bit of live on the scene from a European scene. Nice.
Justin "The Juice"
Go to a European Stance show.
Geno
Go to a club in Berlin where people wee on each other.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes, yes.
Caleb
That's more y'all's speed than mine. I'm old Greg!
Geno
You ever drink Baileys from a shoe?
Caleb
Oh, no. Apparently, the largest classic car meet in France is going on while we're in France. In Lyon. Lyon. Lyon.
Geno
Sound like you got a mouthful of peanut butter.
Caleb
Yeah, I've been trying to work on the old French, you know. Learn a little bit of it, a little bit past bonjour et bonsoir. Oh monsieur, open your pneumatic. And that's about all, that's about all the French I've got so far.
Justin "The Juice"
But all you need to know to say is my Peugeot doesn't work.
Geno
I mean, I feel like that's all covered with my Peugeot.
Justin "The Juice"
Le Peugeot.
Geno
This Peugeot, she is le broken.
Justin "The Juice"
Ah, oui, oui. This— I mean, I'm sorry that I did have the cigarette in my Yes, mon Dieu.
Caleb
But no, y'all, I was, uh, I was on there and that was weak reading and stuff.
Geno
We're gonna be canceled in France very soon.
Caleb
You know, I ain't so sure about that because I was doing some reading and apparently there is this thing in French culture where if they like you, they argue with you and try to fight you know, like, you know, verbally joust with you. And me being, you know, a little bit more on the confrontational and having the inability to accept stupid side, I'm thinking these might be my people. These might just be my people. Because they have a fundamental inability to just let stupid lie and to just be peaceful for the sake of peaceful. And I am here for that energy.
Justin "The Juice"
Mm-hmm. I mean, wake up on a beautiful French farm in, you know, the middle of France somewhere on a wine— in wine country. And wake up and smoke your first cigarette of the day and open the door. Mailman comes up, deck him in the face.
Caleb
No, you don't deck him in the face. What you do is you get in—
Geno
That's right, you fuck him.
Justin "The Juice"
I guess that still wouldn't be peaceful.
Caleb
Yeah. Well, no, you just argue with them about what the meaning of the mail is. And then when you actually open the mail, it's a piece of, uh, you know, it's a letter asking you to go to the, you know, town office for a piece of bureaucracy. 'Cause they are good at that too.
Justin "The Juice"
And then you stage a protest and block the road.
Caleb
Well, of course, which means you have to. Reschedule the appointment and the next available dates in two years. But a, I appreciate this to a point where I've already been looking at visa requirements to see what it'll take to get my ass there.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, you're you were you've been uh. preemptive about it. So you're not going to get caught up in any sort of bureaucratic nightmare.
Caleb
Exactly. If you start doing the research and gathering the paperwork now, then by the time you actually feel like going or you're ready to go, you're already there.
Justin "The Juice"
That's true. That's true. It's like the, it's like the, it's like the 49ers this weekend. They went down to Australia a week ahead of time, um, to play a game in Australia versus the, uh, the Rams. And the Rams had the bright idea of taking a 17-hour red-eye flight and playing football the next day. And guess who won? And now, and now they're bitching about it. They're like, I'm not— I'm Australia's a cursed place, I'm never going to play football there again. No, it's y'all dumbasses didn't give yourselves any time to relax beforehand and get the jet lag off ya. The hell's with— stupid.
Caleb
Exactly.
Geno
The only game I paid even a little attention to was the Minnesota-Green Bay game, and Green Bay lost and all is right with the world.
Justin "The Juice"
They got their ass handed to them by Carson Wentz.
Geno
Like, uh, you know, like the Vikings could go 2 for 14, and as long as those 2 are against Green Bay, I'm a happy man.
Justin "The Juice"
That's like my, uh, former coworker who's a Chicago Bears fan. He's, he, he's like, I don't care if we have a 2-14 season as long as those 2 wins are the Packers. It's like, oh yeah, yeah, that's fair.
Geno
Yeah, it's the, the epic handshake. Vikings and Bears, fuck the Packers. Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
No, I mean, yeah, I mean, that's generally how the Browns season goes. It's usually about a, at best, a 4-win season. And those 4 wins are all, are the Ratbirds and the Steelers. It's always the Steelers. It's usually not the Ratbirds, to be fair. It's usually not the Ravens. It's usually the Steelers though. Somehow even the Browns like worst seasons, except maybe the '16 season. They still beat the Steelers just because fuck the Steelers.
Caleb
Well, of course. I mean, they are the Steelers.
Geno
The squealers. Also, fuck the Saints.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
They know why.
Justin "The Juice"
I don't have any real animosity towards the Saints, but you're on to something.
Geno
I didn't until 2009.
Caleb
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, wait, okay, wait. I, I am— I know you mentioned it before and I should be aware of this, but why?
Geno
Just, uh, like when we're done you can just look up Bountygate.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Yeah, I think, I think I've heard of it.
Geno
Yeah, also Can we, like, figure out a different way to refer to scandals other than just appending gate to a word? Like, Watergate was a hotel. It was a place. That made sense.
Justin "The Juice"
Ah, I do think it's funny, but we do gotta come— we gotta have— okay, if we come up with a When a bigger scandal happens that has an iconic, like, punchy name, it'll be that instead of gate. Probably.
Geno
Like, I mean, at this point, can we just like call every scandal like— can we just throw Trump onto it?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, see, I was gonna say there's been too many and we can't just— January 6th is not a punchy enough name.
Caleb
So here's my thought. You know, for whatever it's worth.
Geno
This is like Treason Gate?
Caleb
You know, y'all know how—
Justin "The Juice"
Gate Gate Gate.
Caleb
Y'all hear me out here. Y'all know how JFK's term in office was referred to as Camelot?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
Mm-hmm. I feel like the Trump era is gonna be Scamalot.
Geno
Oh, that fucks. That dog'll hunt.
Caleb
Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
That's good. That's good. I mean, I feel like it deserves even more reverence for how awful it is, but that's a punchy enough name where I can, I can work with that.
Caleb
Hey, I mean, you got— you gotta get— sometimes you gotta have, you know, like this stiletto. You just gotta go in under the ribs with the stiletto, you know what I mean? I just go right between the ribs. Oh man.
Justin "The Juice"
See, uh, let's— yeah, let's see.
Caleb
So, um, what I was gonna say is real quick, we actually have some listener poll results from a couple weeks ago. We finally— we're finally getting around to them. So we had a Couple folks respond to it. Both of them were wrong. So our buddy Jim from Northern Ireland wrote in with Renault because Aventine, which is good. Actually, no, I'm going to let him have it. I think he is right because the Aventine was Built by Matra.
Justin "The Juice"
And so we're saying, we're saying good answer, good answer, good answer, like it's Family Feud.
Caleb
Yeah, so I think Jam's got it because of the Avantime, because the Avantime and the original Espace, and most importantly, the greatest minivan of all time, the Espace F1. were all built by Matra.
Justin "The Juice"
The Espace F1 was built by Matra?
Caleb
It was.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. All right. And does Matra even exist anymore?
Caleb
It does not exist as a, as a company, but the Matra Museum is still there and it has an Espace F1.
Justin "The Juice"
Good shit. Good shit.
Caleb
And the other answer was C20, which is also an excellent answer if it was not for the existence of Matra.
Justin "The Juice"
And then my answer is always going to be Vincieri just because it's Vincieri.
Caleb
The Atlantique is a cool car, I'll give you that.
Justin "The Juice"
It's the coolest car.
Caleb
But is it a Spice F1 cool?
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, debatable. Probably not.
Caleb
It's Vol— it's, uh, it's Vol Lunix, but, uh, Going back to Tales from the North though, I heard you painted some wheels this week. So how high'd you get?
Geno
I did it outside as recommended by the can. So I didn't—
Justin "The Juice"
Why would you ever listen to the can?
Geno
'Cause, you know, I just, I can't ignore that sweet, sweet can. Uh, yeah, I got the, the Maverick wheels painted. I got some tires ordered from the Discount Tire, who, if you all want to sponsor us, I will gladly take your money. God knows I've given you enough of mine. Uh, so now I'm broke because, uh, Hakka pulitas don't come cheap.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, they do not. Nokian's got— Nokian's got, uh, got that shit locked down.
Caleb
They know what they're doing.
Geno
Yeah, but also, you know, when you're driving a, a modified 30-year-old rear-wheel drive car in the winter, you need the good shit.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, you do.
Geno
Like, I'd be fine with a set of like Winterforce or something if I was driving you know, some new Econobox piece of junk.
Justin "The Juice"
But yeah, I mean, the Stagea's all-seasons did cromulently in the terrible snowstorm of, of, uh, Sandusky over the winter.
Geno
Yeah, the, the all-seasons on the, on the Town and Country do just fine in the winter. Yeah, granted, you know, when it's really bad, we don't take it out because 'Cause why would we? Got to keep that, that '06 Chrysler minty fresh.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Caleb
Amen, brother.
Justin "The Juice"
No, I remember the only time it— oh, I was just going to say the only time it struggled was when the snow was like up to my waist and I was plowing it with the front bumper, but even then I got through.
Caleb
Yeah. I always ran Blizzaks on the Roadmaster, but, uh, well, that makes sense.
Geno
You get the American tire for the American car or the Bridgestone.
Caleb
Or is Britto Japanese?
Geno
That's what I thought. I was like, wait a minute, Britto sounds Japanese.
Justin "The Juice"
They got a big-ass building in Nashville though. We'll count it.
Caleb
Well, the reason I ran Blizzax was, uh, much more economically focused. Namely, there was a Costco about a mile up the road from my place in Kansas City, and they were running the Blizzax on sale.
Geno
Yeah, that's a good reason to go Blizzax. Had they been on sale, might have done that.
Caleb
Good time.
Geno
I think they were like $25 to $30 a tire cheaper, which isn't nothing, but sounds like, uh, my, uh, uh, an ex of mine and former roommate for a while had a Chevy Sonic.
Caleb
That was a vehicle.
Geno
It was a vehicle. It, you know, it was a fine vehicle.
Justin "The Juice"
The RS is kind of cool.
Geno
It had the turbo. It was, it was okay. Um, but with the stock wheel, like the stock big old wheels on that thing, You know, that tiny little car had like 17s and they were wide and it would not move in the snow.
Caleb
Oof. That just— yeah, no.
Geno
So we had to like, we had to get her a set of, uh, set of snow tires for that.
Caleb
Yeah, this is, uh, it's just ridiculous.
Geno
Like, you sell this car here in Minnesota That it's completely unfit to drive here. And it's not like it's a— I would excuse factory tires being unable to move in the snow if it were something like a Corvette, something that's not meant to be driven around in the winter. But it's a Chevy Sonic. It's a base-ass commuter vehicle.
Justin "The Juice"
Hey, that's, that's nonsense talking. You're supposed to drive your Vette around in the snow. Well, that's Come on.
Geno
I mean, I would. Like, whipping shitties in the C4, 'cause that's the only frickin' 'Vette I can afford.
Justin "The Juice"
All I gotta say is, if it's— if it's— if a car is developed in Detroit, Michigan, they should at least know what tires are good to put on it or not. But they're probably only gonna throw on whatever they get a deal from the manufacturer with, so if they suck, I guess they don't care.
Geno
Well, we're on that. Here's gonna— this is gonna be a very controversial opinion. C4 is better than C3.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, yeah, I don't know. I, I agree.
Caleb
No controversy here.
Justin "The Juice"
I don't think there's a controversy here.
Geno
I don't just mean like it's a better, like, car. I, I think it looks better. I think the Coke bottle is, uh, played out.
Justin "The Juice"
I still am.
Caleb
No controversy.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm still in agreeance. Yeah, I think it's a better looking car, especially the facelift with the, um, the squircle, uh, tail lights. I think that's a good looking car.
Caleb
Yeah. Nah, I always liked the C5 a little bit better, but I don't like the C5 enough better to pay C5 premium.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm partial to the, specifically the '96 C4 Grand Sport with the blue and the 2 red stripes. I'm— that's probably my favorite Vette. Just, it's not, it's not better than a ZR1, you know, on paper or anything, but just aesthetically. And Gran Turismo, you know, made me like it.
Caleb
Hey, that's good enough reason. Gran Turismo. Which, speaking of, you know, going into a little bit of gaming news, they are adding the greatest French performance vehicle of all time in the next round of updates.
Geno
The Citroën CV2CV. The Deux Chevaux. You got it.
Justin "The Juice"
Ah, I knew it.
Caleb
Yep, they're bringing the 2CV back. Hell yeah!
Geno
See, that's great because I said that as a fucking joke.
Justin "The Juice"
I did too, but I— this— when you said it, I'm like, you know what, it probably is that, isn't it? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, so it really is. So they need to bring back the, um— do they got the, uh, Cinquecento? They got the 500.
Caleb
So, they've got the new 500, and then they've got the, uh, Abarth 59, like the original Abarth 595.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Caleb
Which is like the original 500, but with speed. And I think they've got even some of the OG 500 variants too.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, we need in the— we see Gran Turismo Needs OG 500s, OG Mini Coopers, and a 2CV, and a Beetle to have the world's slow— like OG Beetle to have the world's slowest race. Like Gran Turismo 4 was like, that was the best thing you could do is have the world's slowest race.
Caleb
So Gran Turismo 7 actually has something even slower.
Justin "The Juice"
What?
Caleb
Unimog.
Justin "The Juice"
Unimog's slower?
Caleb
The '60s one with the 30 horsepower NA diesel is.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Ooh, ooh, and also that Subaru, um, what's the— what's the Subaru that looks like a Fiat 500?
Caleb
The 360. Yeah, that thing was a beast.
Justin "The Juice"
And then throw in a fucking Fiat 126P while you're at it.
Caleb
Hey, Polski Fiat, we're down, we are down.
Justin "The Juice"
That's a race right there.
Caleb
That is a race.
Justin "The Juice"
Do it at El Capitan. You won't be able to get up the hill. It'll be a great time.
Caleb
So actually, this is a good idea to just close the loop on a discussion we had a few weeks back. back. Spec Racing Series.
Geno
Well, that was a good episode. That was, was.
Caleb
And I'm gonna throw this out there, y'all tell me how far off the deep end I've gone, but I feel like in the year of our Lord 2026 The thing we need to help bring up our spirits and lung cancer is Spectrabont.
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh. Spectrabont would be fun.
Geno
Spectrabont would be fun. As long as we're talking ridiculous, Spec LLV.
Justin "The Juice"
Now, now you're talking my language. Now you're talking my language. Spec LLV because they're phasing them out. I haven't seen one in a while.
Caleb
All right, so, uh, what's his face, Louis DeJoy, I think his name is, Postmaster General. So Postmaster General, if you're listening to us, On this broadcast, we, the American citizens who built— who are building this beautiful, wonderful motorsport machine, want you to let us buy the LLVs so that we can create America's greatest motorsport entertainment series. Spec LLV. We run the road courses. We turn right and left. Watkins Glen, we'll run her. Mid-Ohio, flat out, baby. Road Atlanta, we won't even come out of 4th.
Geno
I think you need a— if we're doing Spec LLV, you gotta do a Le Mans start carrying a bag of mail.
Caleb
Now, now the real question is, can you do an accumulator mod in that 3-speed automatic they got? I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can do something.
Justin "The Juice"
I bet you can. Well, I bet you can swap a fucking Tremec T56 onto it. Who gives a shit?
Caleb
No, that takes the fun out.
Justin "The Juice"
6-speed everything.
Caleb
And, uh, well, the research department here at HBI is busy doing research. Gino, why don't you introduce us to your new co-host over there? Say hi, Pixie. Hi, Pixie.
Geno
She has a lot to say, and somehow it's even less valuable than the nonsense we're talking.
Caleb
She's all set up for a career in politics.
Justin "The Juice"
I was close. It's a Lenco transmission.
Caleb
We have, you know, I'm just gonna throw one out here. Pixie for city council. That's right. Pixie from Minneapolis City Council. She's running on a plat— she is running on a platform of wet food every day. Tuna every weekend and fresh litter box all the time. Pixie for city council.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm gonna go ahead and say that every LLV deserves a Lanko and a Chinese Turbo.
Geno
Ooh, see, I support the Chinese Turbo on the—
Caleb
See, that's how you make the iron puke its guts.
Geno
You know, I bet you could run— you could probably put 10 pounds through an Iron Duke and have it do just fine.
Justin "The Juice"
It'll be fine. It's an Iron Duke. I mean, what? Of course it can take power.
Caleb
Sure. And the International Edition Cutlass was really designed for Europeans.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. And the Chevrolet Celebrity, famously driven by all your favorite celebrities.
Geno
And the Pontiac Parisian. Very common in France.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, absolutely. And the Pontiac Grand Prix, what do you think they did with it?
Caleb
Obviously they won every race in it.
Justin "The Juice"
Formula One racing.
Caleb
There we go. You want to win Formula One? Get a Grand Prix.
Geno
Pretty much all Pontiac names, like Bonneville. Bonneville Land Speed Racer.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, there we go. Held the record. Yep. Come on, 2-time champion, 3-time champion.
Caleb
Uh, Pontiac 6000. And 6000 sucks.
Geno
It's about how many miles it was good for.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, Chevrolet Corvette is a ship.
Caleb
Absolutely. Little warship.
Justin "The Juice"
Little warship.
Geno
I mean, there's always the, uh, the Chevy Cavalier.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, yes.
Caleb
Very true.
Geno
Famously rides a horse.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes.
Caleb
Now, see, the horse is what you need to actually get where you're going if you own a Cavalier.
Geno
I had a buddy who had one in high school, tried to church it up. He called it the Cavalier. Which is admittedly better than the guy who had the Buick Skylark and just called it the Shit Shark, which is a far more fitting name.
Justin "The Juice"
I can't—
Caleb
Of course. Hey, to be fair, Ford also had their, you know, their share, like the Ford Aspire, which aspired to be a car.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep.
Caleb
There's always the Probe.
Justin "The Juice"
The Probe. You know what that one did.
Geno
The Probe was cool as hell in retrospect.
Caleb
It really was.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it really was cool when it was slipping in. A little bit too much. They should have warmed it up first.
Geno
Like, there is not one of us on this podcast that would say no to a Ford Probe.
Caleb
Absolutely not.
Justin "The Juice"
You're correct. I would love— I took a picture of one at that car show because it was mint.
Geno
And they're cool.
Caleb
Like, very cold take, especially for this group of humans, but the Ford Probe looked way better than the Mazda it was based on.
Geno
Yeah.
Caleb
That's a nice cold take on this show.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm still doing, I'm still doing research on when— on Lenkos. You can, you got it.
Caleb
You just, you want one of them porcupine shifters.
Justin "The Juice"
I do. They're for drag racing. And, uh, except for getting into first or reverse, they're clutchless. That's why I said they're kind of like semi-automatic. So once you get, once you get going. You just yank them fucking things back and you kick yourself into the next gear. It's fucking awesome.
Geno
Are we still talking about cars?
Caleb
I don't know. I don't know. It's some— it sounds like some sort of strange language. I need a moment alone.
Geno
I'd like to be alone with my Lenko, please.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes, yes. I would like to pull on my sticks.
Geno
At least towards the end of the run, the Iron Duke was putting, putting out 110.
Justin "The Juice"
The Iron Duke puts out. You heard it here first.
Geno
Yeah, no more yanking your Lenko. You can just get the Iron Duke and it'll put out.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
Yep. That's why they call it the Iron Duke.
Justin "The Juice"
Just like Steely Dan.
Geno
My favorite bands named after marital aids.
Justin "The Juice"
This is Hampian's new merch idea, the Iron Duke, but you know what it is.
Caleb
Guaranteed to please your partner.
Justin "The Juice"
No, not guaranteed. It doesn't have very much power. It's pretty weak, actually. It'll keep going, though. Delivers the mail. It's like an iron dupe. Yep. Brings the goods.
Caleb
Well, it brings something.
Justin "The Juice"
Fits.
Caleb
It must have just leaked all over the carport.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it's gonna say something. Uh, it, uh, it delivers the package. Hey, about mail delivery, I'm telling you, Iron Duke, Chinese turbo with TBI, stock TBI, Lenko.
Caleb
No, I'm thinking blow-through carburetor.
Justin "The Juice"
Blow-through carburetor, Iron Duke, Chinese turbo in an LLV with a Lenko. Now we're talking. That's how you get featured on Matt Farah's fucking YouTube channel.
Caleb
There we go. All right, we've just built the greatest spec racing series known to man.
Justin "The Juice"
I think it's probably pretty hard to downshift the Lanco, so that'd be fun at a road course.
Geno
Man, another one that'd be cool to see, but I don't know that there's enough of them surviving for any sort of race series Citation X11. Ooh.
Caleb
If we just step down to a standard Citation, we might.
Justin "The Juice"
Speaking of cars that are named after stuff, definitely realistically, you are certainly going to get a citation in one of those. Just not for speeding.
Geno
I mean, you could in an X11, but not a regular one. Like, the X11 was kind of cool. It looked cool.
Caleb
And here I was about to suggest a Spec Racing Series with a normal Vega.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, yeah, that'd be pretty fun. And they all have to show up on the train cars where they were, uh, shipped to dealers vertically.
Caleb
Oh, that's a good one.
Justin "The Juice"
Except just like convert it, one of those train cars, into a semi-trailer and just pull it. Actually, that'd be, that'd be a surprisingly practical way of getting a Spec Series' cars to a new track. You'd only need one trailer.
Caleb
Exactly. So I'm gonna throw this one out there. In the winner's circle, they have to play a song by Suzanne Vega.
Justin "The Juice"
Not familiar.
Geno
Educate yourself.
Justin "The Juice"
I better. Yep.
Caleb
You gotta know your history, son.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, oh, that song. Yeah, I know that song. Yeah, that's Suzanne Vega. Okay, okay, okay. Sure. Vega. Yeah, Vega Monza Spec Series. But the Monzas have to be handicapped to Vega speeds.
Caleb
Yeah. So real question is, do we do it with a weight penalty or Ooh, here we go. It's a Le Mans start, but the Monza drivers, they get a— they have to do it with a 3-legged race.
Justin "The Juice"
I was going to just suggest some sort of power discrepancy by throwing a Broken quadrajet on the Monzas or something. Like they have like a shitty carb that's like jetted wrong. Like the float bowl's leaking.
Caleb
The alternative, and I think this is actually a great one, as long as we have airtight waivers for everyone to sign beforehand. You know how certain self-service junkyards have specials where for, on certain holidays, you get a discount for like all you can buy Black Friday junkyard for everything you can carry across the line?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
That's how the race should start.
Justin "The Juice"
I got another idea. Um, everyone in the Vega— Vega's from the early '70s, right?
Geno
Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
Everyone in the Vega is doing fine. There may be a gas crisis, they're a little stressed out. So you get— you stress them out a little bit. Everyone in the Vega is a little stressed out, their wallets are a little bit, um, A little bit thin.
Caleb
Scant.
Justin "The Juice"
A little scant, but they're doing all right otherwise. By the time the late '70s roll around, everyone was a complete mess. So, um, everyone in the Monza, uh, is drunk as a skunk.
Caleb
No, here we go.
Geno
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's go full into '80s malaise era. And like, you could do— let's see, for— we could do— it doesn't even need to be spec, we can just do like a class. We'll have, you know, like the Omni, the X11, and I don't know what Ford would have in that area, but like, you know, a slightly overpowered economy box. And because it's the '80s Everybody's just ripped to the fucking gills on Stephen King levels of cocaine. Like, every time you pit, you have to bump.
Justin "The Juice"
And everyone's wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.
Caleb
I mean, if we're doing— if we go back to the '70s, though, you have to wait in line for the pit stop. And if you don't pit in time, they run out of fuel. Yeah. Yeah.
Geno
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, random, random fuel shortages on the track.
Justin "The Juice"
Spec 1973. Also spec late 2026. Here we come.
Caleb
Spec 2026. Fuel crisis, bigger, badder, and uncut.
Justin "The Juice"
Spec 2026, there's a fuel crisis and also randomly, um, the car's electronics will just freeze, um, because they're— and, and there's a camera obstructing your field of vision just looking at you.
Caleb
Spec 2026, fuel crisis on you on TikTok.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, no, yeah, Spec 2026, you have to do a TikTok dance every— like, you have to do a certain amount of TikTok dances before the race is over. It's sort of like Beerio Kart where you have to drink, uh, finish a beer before the Mario Kart race is over, but you can strategically play it out where you can do it throughout the lap or you can just chug it right before the race. Well, you have to get through a certain amount of TikTok dances before the race is over. And you can either, you know, you gotta, you gotta strategize.
Geno
No, I'd be, I'd be cooked. I tried to, I tried to do the, the flossing dance once after the shower, and I, I punched myself directly in the balls.
Caleb
No, here we go, here we go. Spec 2026, you have to do it. You have to do a TikTok post and go viral in order to refuel.
Justin "The Juice"
And for some reason it's being held in Saudi Arabia.
Geno
Yeah, because they got the fuel.
Justin "The Juice"
You gotta dodge drones. If you're next to the fuel pipeline, watch out.
Caleb
Hey.
Geno
Oh my God.
Caleb
FIA, you should hire us. I mean, we are— I mean, we aren't gonna cause nearly as many controversies as Bernie.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, Ecclestone. Okay, I was like, what does Sanders have to do— oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Spec 2026 cigarette boat racing through the Strait of Hormuz. Gotta have anti-drone or anti— anti-missile defense on your fucking boat.
Caleb
And just to make it interesting, you have to have at least 2 barrels of oil on the boat.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. I mean, how else are we gonna get oil back to the U.S.?
Caleb
Absolutely.
Justin "The Juice"
And you also have to be playing Freebird.
Caleb
Gonna buy. Yeah. Hey, look at us. We are solving global diplomatic crises. We are rejuvenating motorsport. Mm-hmm. Also, you know, just kind of looking at the news and stuff. Do you see? Did you see some of the clips coming out of Toyota Thon this year?
Justin "The Juice"
No, sorry. I celebrate Happy Holidays, man.
Caleb
No, seeing some of those tech. Yeah, I was looking on news and. You know, with the whole wars going on, uh, I think it was Yemen had a big gathering of— built a big gathering of the technicals.
Justin "The Juice"
Cars and Coffee.
Caleb
Hey, Technicals and Coffee, there we go. Technicals and Coffee.
Justin "The Juice"
What's a good name for Cars and Coffee but it's just technicals? Fucking Trucks and, uh, um, Oh man, it's gotta have something that starts with a T.
Geno
Uh, I mean, tea starts with a T.
Caleb
Trucks and Tea. There you go. There we go. Hey, it works.
Geno
Big jug of sweet tea next to the, uh, next to the, the Ma Deuce in the back of your Toyota. That sounds like the life right there. That's very good for a first try.
Caleb
It is. So the great thing about the Truxon T though, is it works just as well in Yemen as it does in Texas.
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Geno
I feel like our censor noise, instead of going back to '90s radio, should just be the 4-note caddy horn.
Caleb
Oh yeah. That's a good, that's a good.
Geno
I think, I think best horns might have to be a subject for a future episode, but again, that's a short talk because the 4-note caddy horn exists.
Justin "The Juice"
We'll have to get, uh—
Caleb
Except I think you're wrong.
Justin "The Juice"
See, I think we could get really autistic with that one, especially if we incorporate train horns.
Geno
Well, I think for the purposes of this broadcast, it's, it's car horns.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right.
Caleb
I would make the argument that you are wrong, but only because the Grosser exists.
Justin "The Juice"
I would say, I don't know the name of it, but that typical European country horn. Not— maybe, maybe it's a city horn. I think it's the country horn where it's like This is like the typical '70s European or like Italian car horn, like the one all old Ferraris and shit had.
Caleb
Yeah, see, Maserati Mercedes Grosser has everyone beat, but, uh, we saw what happens when you use one in a London car park.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, I, I— that was Top Gear, right? I only vaguely remember that.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
I don't even remember what it sounded like. It's just, I know it's loud.
Caleb
Imagine if HMS Titanic was blowing its horn next to you.
Geno
Actually, they, they blew that horn at Union Depot in St. Paul some years ago when there was a Titanic expedition. It was underwhelming.
Caleb
Oh, that's sad. That's sad.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it's also underwater.
Geno
I think it was due to the fact that, um, because it was the actual ship's horn that was brought up, to prevent damaging it, they used compressed air instead of steam to blow it, and at a significantly lower pressure.
Caleb
Ooh, yeah, that'll do it, that'll do it.
Justin "The Juice"
The Olympic rammed a U-boat.
Geno
Nice.
Caleb
There we go.
Justin "The Juice"
Coming out of— coming out the other side of it. Well, so you can ram a fucking U-boat, but you can't ram an iceberg? The fuck's wrong with you?
Caleb
You know, obviously, obviously they need some of our friends in Soviet Russia to, uh, There we go, Crazy Ivan. They should have had Crazy Ivan build the ship.
Geno
In Soviet Russia, iceberg rams you!
Justin "The Juice"
Come on down to Crazy Ivan's. We have surplus Soviet submarines.
Caleb
Surplus nuclear icebreaker.
Justin "The Juice"
Surplus nuclear icebreaker. Just sign down the dotted line.
Geno
We fill out the rest. Great deal, comrade.
Justin "The Juice"
Great deal, great deal.
Caleb
You want icebreaker?
Justin "The Juice"
We got icebreaker. Fully stocked AK-47. Do not worry, all is good. Uh, Obviously, obviously, unfortunately—
Geno
This car drives us!
Justin "The Juice"
Unfortunately, we did have to take out nuclear power plant, had to sell back to Soviet government, uh, so we replaced it with a lot of motor. It runs just fine. 3 cylinders. I know it has 4, all you need is 3.
Caleb
We also have a lot of rotary. Just need apex seals.
Geno
Duh, duh, duh. Nuclear power plant was put in Old Tatra.
Justin "The Juice"
It hauls logs to this day.
Caleb
Any last words for our listeners?
Geno
Uh, you know what? Check your transmission fluid or put a manual in your car.
Justin "The Juice"
Lenco.
Caleb
Check your transmission fluid, especially if you got a Lenco.
Justin "The Juice"
Check your, uh, your nuclear, uh, cooling, uh, water, uh, for your rods, uh, so you don't have a Chernobyl.
Caleb
Hey, it's—
Geno
Leave my cool rod out of this.
Caleb
It's only the RBMK. The VVER is just fine. All right, y'all, we'll see you next week. Bye.
Justin "The Juice"
Bye.
Caleb
Bye.