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Episode 14: The Hantavirus 944 and Four Days at the DMV
Where the guys tackle their various albatrosses
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Caleb
This morning's episode of the International Race of Hammpions is brought to you by CW's Four Wheel Drives. You heard it here, folks, CW's Four Wheel Drives. Get yourself a rig that'll never fail at CW's. Just cross the railroad tracks of Persia, up the hills and down the dales. Good morning and welcome to the International Race of Hammpions, coming to you live from where you get your podcasts. On tonight's episode, we've got Tales from the Glizzy Gladiator, we've got the Reservoir Report, and we have Tales of DMV. Kicking it off, we have from the Glizzy Gladiator of the Great Lakes, GENO!
Geno
Hey, um, oh, just another, uh, Another week with my new car, and it's still the greatest thing on four wheels. I got around to throwing the throwing this set of gold powder-coated Volvo Tethys wheels that I had laying around on it, and it looks fantastic. Could not be enjoying this more. Took it to a to a local car show yesterday. Met some guy, met some guys there with 240s. Had a good time. Ate some hot sauce at Hot Sauce Tuesday.
Caleb
What kind of hot sauce?
Geno
Oh, they had a whole assortment. Uh, there was some Crybaby Craigs. There was, uh, a few other ones that were very— gosh, now I'm trying to think of some of the names of them. There was one called Repercussions. That was a Reaper-based sauce. That was delicious.
Justin "The Juice"
Sounds good.
Caleb
Yeah, there's a—
Geno
I honestly should have taken pictures of some of these bottles because I would enjoy having several of them. Yeah, it's a little drive-in car show in, uh, in St. Paul there, and, uh, they have a table full of hot sauces and they call it Hot Sauce Tuesday. It's a good time.
Caleb
That sounds like a good time. Now, on the hot sauce front, I got, uh, downstairs in the kitchen. I got a little bottle of, uh, from an outfit up in northeastern Brazil, and their brand name is Misericórdia, which is Portuguese for mercy. And, uh, you're gonna be crying mercy if you have some of their Reaper, which I actually got a bottle down there. It's good stuff. And of course, Volta Tabasco, but I like that Reaper sauce. And coming from the reservoir, what does the Juice have in the reservoir report?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, since we're talking about hot sauce, the other day I had some Tiger Sauce from Riley Foods, which I think they're based out of New Orleans, but they have a factory here in Knoxville. Because they own like JFG Mayo and JFG Coffee.
Caleb
Right.
Justin "The Juice"
So I consider it local. So the Tiger Sauce is sort of more of an Asian kind of sweet heat sort of thing going on. It's really good. Gotta recommend that.
Caleb
So it don't make you cry mercy?
Justin "The Juice"
No, it's not that. It's not that hot, but it's good. Uh, in terms of what's going on out here in the holler, Nothing too much. Boat's not done yet. Should take like a week or so before it's done.
Caleb
Didn't you say that 3 weeks ago?
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
But we stopped, we stopped by the, the shop today and we checked it out. They said another week. I'll give it 2.
Caleb
Yeah, of course, as we have previously discussed on this program. Motion of time is tectonic out there in East Tennessee.
Justin "The Juice"
You know, you know how they say that certain cultures, certain countries care more about time than other cultures and countries like America, you know, you got to be in Western cultures, they— people expect you to be on time. If they say get here at 10:30, you better be here at 10:30. Or shit, you better be here at 10:20, right? Um, and you know, other cultures are a little more laid back. Like, uh, I guess it's not Western culture in general, but American culture, uh, English culture sort of is, is that strict. But then you go to places like Spain, uh, Italy, uh, I, I'm, I'm sure a bunch of other places, and people give less of a shit. They're taking a siesta, you know. If they say get here at 10:30, if you're here at 11, yeah, that's Fine. You know, it's close enough.
Caleb
Yeah, we call that karaoke time here.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I feel like, I feel like the hills of East Tennessee kind of has that vibe a little bit more so than, than other places in the States. Nonetheless, I mean, if you really want to know about that, I mean, the frickin boat took 5 years to get the motor swapped into it in the first place. 5 years. Because, because it took him 5 years and he put cork gaskets where he shouldn't have put cork gaskets, and that's why it was leaking.
Caleb
I'm just over here, I hear 5 years and I start thinking David Bowie.
Justin "The Juice"
But nonetheless, boat should be done relatively soon. But the thing is, is the dock, uh, the dock is all beat up to shit. The bushings are like $50 each. I'm like, holy shit, we could 3D print that. Oh my God, because it's just plastic.
Caleb
Yeah, you just gotta make sure you get something that ain't water soluble.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, just, just match the material and print it out. Uh, but nonetheless, I mean, I don't have a 3D printer, but I'm sure we could— I know somebody who has one, or we could buy one. But nonetheless, um, to do it ourselves would absolutely save money, but I also need— I need a freaking impact wrench. I swear to— I like— I swear. I need an impact wrench. I need an ugga dugga. We don't got no ugga dugga. We don't got no ugga dugga. And these are, these are rusty-ass bolts and there's like 20 of them.
Geno
Do you have a Harbor Freight by you?
Justin "The Juice"
Go get yourself an ugga dugga.
Geno
Who's stopping you?
Justin "The Juice"
That's what I'm saying.
Caleb
Go to the Hazard Frog.
Justin "The Juice"
No, but my dad, my dad, 'cause I don't, I'm not spending the money on this shit. My dad, I don't have any money. My dad right now—
Caleb
Think of it. Think about it this way. You're not buying it for your dad's project. You're buying it because you need it for the stage here.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, you're right. You're right. But I don't— no, you're right. But I— but the thing is, is right this second, I don't have a job until September. So I'm relying— I'm relying entirely on doing shit for my dad and him not really even paying me, just being like, Here's my, here's your, here's my credit card, you know.
Geno
So Justin's gonna send a full album of feet pics to anybody who sends him a Harbor Freight electric impact.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all want feet pics? I got you.
Caleb
Uh, man, go, you take the company credit card down to the old Harbor Freight and about $20 later you walk out of there with a bucket full of ugga dugga. Problem solved.
Geno
Wait, do you have air or do you need a not air ugga dugga?
Justin "The Juice"
No, it would be a not air ugga dugga. And we already got— right, we already got Ryobi batteries, so it'd probably be a Ryobi.
Geno
Oh, those are like— those just fall off the back of trucks all the time.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, you're right. I literally have a whole— a full set of Ryobi power tools without an ugga dugga, unfortunately, but a full set of Ryobi power tools. 20 years old, sure, but in a nice plastic blowform case. And I got that—
Caleb
having an acetylene torch because it can't get stuck if it's liquid.
Justin "The Juice"
No, not an acetylene torch. I do got a, I do got a propane torch, but not an acetylene.
Geno
Not even MAP gas?
Justin "The Juice"
Not even MAP gas.
Caleb
No, no.
Justin "The Juice"
But here's, so here's the issue. Here's the—
Caleb
I don't know, but propane, I mean, propane gets it, you know, a bit red hot and they'll just kind of like ease off there, you know? Yeah, you use it up, you know, hit it with some it with some, you know, that Kroil. You gotta use the good stuff. So like the Kroil, basically, and it'll just wick in.
Justin "The Juice"
Basically, the issue is, is if I had the money myself, which come September I gotta get a damn job, so I'm gonna have the money myself at some point. Most of my shit's still up in Sandusky, and I have to go up there and grab all of my shit at the end of August. You know, the good news is I can't really— I can't— I don't really want to get a job right this second because they might not let me go up there and grab all my shit when I need to go grab my shit. So I'm just gonna not worry about that until September. And the reason I don't have to is because I've been doing so much shit for my dad, he's been covering rent.
Caleb
I mean, U-Haul will rent you a real nice, uh, 29-footer now.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh yeah, that's what I'm— I mean, I don't think I need— I don't think I'll need a 29-footer.
Caleb
Get the 29-footer. It's got that new gas Cummins in it.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, wait, Cummins makes a gas motor now?
Caleb
Yeah, it's a— for— they got a new U-Haul that's 29-footer. I think it's a— I think it's a Peterbilt or something.
Justin "The Juice"
I knew about the new 29-footer U-Haul because I have people talking about how the hell do you not need a CDL for this? But it's just GWVR, right? It's not— yeah.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
Weren't, uh, are people still renting the U-Haul trucks and, uh, pulling the big Vortec, uh, out of those and swapping it into their truck?
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I hope so.
Geno
And then returning it with the, with the smaller engine?
Justin "The Juice"
I hope so. That's hilarious.
Caleb
Uh, they solved that problem by going to Ford.
Justin "The Juice"
Nobody wants a Ford.
Caleb
No, but yeah, I mean, it's got that new, uh, 6.7, uh, gas Cummins in it.
Justin "The Juice"
You know what we just did. You don't have to— this doesn't have to be a video podcast. We don't even have to say— you know what just happened.
Geno
We're all too old for this shit and we did it anyway.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, look, it's the one— it's the one brain rot Gen Alpha meme that I think is actually pretty funny. 'Cause it's just a funny number. Funny numbers are just— that's classic. Funny numbers have been around forever.
Geno
We had 420 and 69.
Justin "The Juice"
420 and 69 still are funny numbers. It's not like they went away. It's just we got another one now, and that's the more the merrier, baby.
Geno
This is probably a good time to mention that at the car show last night, I saw 2 natural pull Minnesota license plates. One of them was DAT420 or DAT420.
Justin "The Juice"
DAT420, baby.
Geno
DAT420. YFF069.
Justin "The Juice"
Shout out to all the furries.
Caleb
You know, I have not— I do not have that kind of statistical data for our broadcast, but I have a feeling we may have a few of them listen to us, so shout out to y'all.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I mean, me obviously as a host, but so I, I should, I should, I should broadcast, I should advertise our shit in furry spaces because they'd listen to us. We're just autistic enough.
Geno
Maybe too much, honestly.
Caleb
You know, you cannot have a weekly morning radio show on the World Wide Web without being just a little bit autistic.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, just a little. Nonetheless, that— yeah, those plates are fucking hilarious. But I'm trying to be concise to finish up. I want to be concise and finish up the boat thing, the dock thing. So basically, our dock is 20 years or 25 years old.
Caleb
Shit, probably start telling the talking jokes.
Geno
That's it, I'm out of here.
Justin "The Juice"
My friend, my, my, my— I got a, I got a friend.
Geno
Not—
Justin "The Juice"
she wasn't a furry, but I I— she kind of has become a furry, especially since moving to Seattle and going to a bunch of raves and shit. And there's just like a bunch of furries there. And she's like, yeah, okay, I'm a furry now. I'm like, that's what I thought. Um, so she sent me, uh, we have a Snapchat streak going on, which is the most like— yeah, I know, I, I still have Snapchat streaks. I'm 12 years old. It's fine. Uh, pushing 30. Yeah, don't, don't mind me. Child.
Caleb
Yeah. So he's our youth correspondent.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
So I got a Snapchat streak with her and she sent me a snap the other day that made me lose my shit. She, she has a license plate hung up in her room. It must be her girlfriend's or something.
Caleb
I don't know.
Justin "The Juice"
But I had no idea this was— I had— I'm baffled that this got past Washington's DMV censorship because it has, you know, a plate frame that says I'd rather be, and the plate says frauding.
Geno
It's up there with the one that I think it was the Virginia one that they pulled a few years ago because somebody hated fun because they have the— Virginia has the Children First charity license plates.
Caleb
Oh yeah, the kids first.
Justin "The Juice"
Eat the kids first.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God. Oh, okay. I want to get back to boats. I'm not gonna say the other word.
Geno
And hoes?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, boats and hoes.
Geno
So Catalina wine mixer, let's go.
Justin "The Juice"
Let's go, baby. I mean, the implication, you know. So anyway, the lift, the boat lift, the dock itself is like 25 years old and it's not in the greatest shape. The dock no longer has a strut tower brace and it really needs a strut tower brace. You know what I'm saying? The dead man was routed. There was an eye bolt that was put into that, that support beam so that the dead man's cable would be routed in a certain direction so that the dock would be angled at a certain direction. Whatever, something happened and it must have had too much tension on it and it snapped that freaking support beam right off because of the eye bolt on the, on the dead man. The dock is no longer very structurally sound. So now the boat lift is the thing that is preventing the dock from just shifting, uh, like completely snapping in half basically. It's got a whole bunch of bushings and stuff, uh, and those bushings just snapped and they're gone. Um, so now it's just metal on metal. If you have the dock people do it, it's $1,000 at least. So my dad's like, screw that, let's do it ourselves. Well, the freaking bushings are $50 a pop, so that's already $200 by itself. That's a massive pain in the ass. We're gonna have to buy power tools that we don't have.
Caleb
And then you're gonna spend about 6 or 7 grand on ER bills.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna hurt myself. And what happens? The same damn thing in another 6 months. So I'm like, why go through all of that? Here's the thing, that when we were talking to the dock people, they also said that what they will do a lot of the time in high-traffic areas is install, um, lift braces that you can put in and then remove when you want to put the lift down. And what it does is it braces the lift to the dock to where the lift is no longer independently floating from the dock. So when the dock goes up and down, the lift goes up and down.
Caleb
It no longer does with a 6-7 hand sign.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm saying, and that's $500, right? So I'm saying, look, my dad was like, well, we should probably do that. I'm like, look, if you're already going to have them come out there and install those, Why don't you just get them to fix the damn lift? So that's my opinion. It's like, I don't wanna— I don't wanna go through all that labor, possibly hurt myself, and we still have to spend, you know, $500 at least to do it for this. That, you know, it's like he's gonna have to pay me as well to do it. So it's like, you're gonna have to at least spend $500 to $1,000. Why not just drop the cup a little more and have that doc actually Solid. Do it right rather than slapping a Band-Aid on a gaping wound and hoping it holds. Why not freaking give it stitches, right?
Caleb
Oh, come on, you know super glue is better.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, and it's like, I know, I know, look, I get it.
Geno
JB Weld and zip tie podcast.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. But I'm like, look, I understand that's a lot of money. But if you can't afford to do it, if you can't afford to make— and the other thing is the jet ski lift is also cooked, so that needs to be either spend the money or don't. You know, it's like if you can't afford or don't, don't have the motivation, he's like, I don't really care that much anymore. It's really just a swim platform at this point. I'm like, okay, then get rid of the dock, buy the cheapest little square little dock you can have, and we don't have to have a boat lift anymore if you can't afford to do it. I'm basically saying shit or get off the pot. None of this half-ass stuff. It's the half-ass stuff I feel is just a waste of everybody's time. I'm, I'm living here now. If somebody wants to— if my parents are here and they want to take the boat out, cool. I'll take it over to the boat ramp and they can take it out for the day. It doesn't— and if they're here for, you know, you can keep it parked up at the dock for a week, just tied off, right? You don't— it doesn't need to be on a lift except for long term. So if you don't want to spend the money, let's be smart here, folks. That's what I'm trying to say. And, uh, but I think my dad would rather me toil immensely, probably hurt myself, do it half-assed and janky. He doesn't want to buy any new power tools. That's the thing. I tried— I'm like, dude, can we just buy an Ugga Dugga? He's like, no, we can do it with the tools we have. I'm like, I can't. I tried to break one of those bolts loose with a breaker bar. I can't do it. What are you talking about?
Caleb
Everyone wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
Justin "The Juice"
That's what I'm saying. It's like this shit hasn't been maintained. You haven't done the right things in order to keep it maintained. So like, you, you have to face the consequences of that. And that the consequences of that are money.
Caleb
Now, real quick, before we circle back, before we go into the tales from DMV, why is it that people with Priuses seem to get all the good license plates because we had Weeb a few weeks ago.
Justin "The Juice"
We did.
Caleb
Yeah. And now we got the Yiff69 plate up in Minnesota.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, we need to, we need to get both of these cars together and take a picture.
Caleb
We absolutely do. We need to call out the kind of people who have these plates.
Justin "The Juice"
I also feel like a Prius is a very— I mean, it's just a normie, just a normal-ass car. So that kind of fits it. Okay. For weebs and furries who aren't car enthusiasts, a Prius is a very common choice is what I'm saying. I wanted to just touch— mention that we lost Gino.
Caleb
As of our last contact, he has been abducted by an alien cult. Where they are going to do unspeakable things to him in the name of summoning the Dark Lord Xerox.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, over a Zoom call.
Caleb
Well, of course. I mean, it's the 21st century. They have their cult initiation ceremonies on Zoom these days.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, they got real good, uh, internet out deep in the Milky Way.
Caleb
These are Andromeda types.
Justin "The Juice"
Ah, you're right, you're right.
Caleb
That is a real good segue into Tales from DMV. So as our loyal listeners remember, a few weeks ago I acquired a vehicular device, a 1988 Fiat Premio, and went out to the, uh, Detran at Baja.
Geno
Ooh.
Caleb
On Monday to get the mandatory inspection for the title transfer. And my car was built before there is a legal requirement to put the engine serial number on the title. So of course my car doesn't have it. And they're like, nope, can't have this here. Now you gotta go and you have to go and you have to get You can either pay a despachante, which is, uh, basically somebody that goes and facilitates your DMV transactions on your behalf. And, you know, you can go pay them, like, you know, they'll take care of it and you'll have your card, you'll have your new title today with no engine number on it. Or you can do it the right way, but slower. Me being me, I chose to do it the right way and get everything done. And tudo certo, tudo certinho, as they say here. And so I had to sit there at the inspection booth and wait for the head of the DMV office there to write up a letter and stamp it and sign it and hand it off to his subordinate to stamp it and sign it. Bring it out to authorize me to drive 50 yards over to the side for a technical inspection to record the engine number, all that stuff. Anyway, so I went, you know, did that, and they gave me a piece of paper, said go online, pay this, and go to this other Department of Transit office. that can handle this type of, uh, process because we can't do it here. All right, so yeah, I went, I made an appointment for Tuesday morning to go over to that office, and I did. And I took all my paperwork and, uh, proof of payment, all that stuff over there, and talked to a guy real nice. He's like, yeah, no problem, no problem, yo. Stamp, stamp, scan, scan. You know, all right, handed me a piece of paper, said, all right, go back to the inspection station with this, you know, they'll get you taken care of and, uh, no problem. And they'll process getting the, uh, engine serial put on the title. And yesterday, you know, I went and checked status yesterday evening and it was like rejected because you did not have this one form attached. All right, so, you know, Went back up car, went back this morning where the guy said nope can't help you. So I got to find the undocumented online document submission system because they don't tell you it's there. They try to discourage you from doing it because it means they have to work. But I found it and I submitted the form signed digitally with the Gulf Ponto Bay site, and, uh, they're like, finish the title transfer and upload the— upload the title here and we'll get it corrected. So Friday I get to go back to the DMV in Baja to redo the safety inspection, which is, uh, you got lights, got turn signal, got tires. Well, it obviously stopped because you drove it in the bay here, so yeah, you're good. And, uh, oh yeah, and do you have a reflective triangle in the trunk?
Geno
Oh yeah.
Caleb
Because that's obviously critical. But, you know, thinking about it, it's like, yeah, the reflective triangle is kind of, uh, essential given the way folks don't maintain stuff here. And that's not, you know, throwing shade. Folks do the best they can with what they got. There are 5 business days in the week. This week I have, I will have spent 4 of them at DMV offices.
Justin "The Juice"
That's a, that's a special kind of hell.
Caleb
I've been, I told my wife, I was telling her on the way back home last night after her rehearsal. If the whole— if working, you know, in GRC doesn't work out for whatever reason, if the robots take my job or whatever, I am getting real good training on how to be a despachante with all of the Brazilian bureaucracy that I have been handling myself that most Brazilians just pay a guy to take care of. And of course, you know, I'm already prepared for when the, uh, AI destroys us and whatnot, because I can, I can brew my own fuel in the backyard and distill it because alcohol-powered.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah!
Caleb
I got breaker point ignition, so no electronics. I'm resistant to the EMP. Mechanical fuel pump, though that might be going away because, uh, You know, I'm thinking about putting throttle body injection on it. No, no, no. So there's a guy down in São Paulo that makes a throttle body injection kit for my car.
Justin "The Juice"
We were making fun of TBI.
Caleb
Man, it's a pretty sweet setup though because it comes with 4 throttle bodies, one per cylinder, and it has one injection per throttle body.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, so it's basically ITBs.
Caleb
As I said, it's throttle body injection.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, okay, individual throttle body. See, I was thinking one singular throttle body.
Caleb
No, I ain't, I ain't that dang bramaged yet.
Justin "The Juice"
You haven't stooped to Iron Duke yet? Nope.
Caleb
I'm very steadily in the realm of Fiasa.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Well, that's acceptable.
Caleb
But I figure, you know, once this project, uh, once I get it a little more sorted out, I'm going to do the, uh, I'm going to go do the ITBs and maybe a little bit spicier cam and At that point, I should be in a good place to put an Uno in the garage beside it and start messing with that. And then maybe a Twingo. And I'm gonna end up with a bunch of really, really tiny, really, really dumb cars.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, yeah, as you should.
Caleb
And the great thing is my HOA don't care.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm surprised you even have an HOA.
Caleb
Like, so the house, it was the right house in the right place. And because of security issues here in the city of Rio de Janeiro, you basically end up getting an HOA because most of HOAs have like private security and stuff.
Justin "The Juice"
And okay, yeah, yeah. So you need an HOA because they got, they got guards.
Caleb
Pretty much.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay. Okay.
Caleb
And, uh, anyway, I live about 3 doors down from the HOA administrator because he don't want to be called president because Brazil has a habit of sending presidents to jail. And, uh, I mean, hell, just look at Bozo. And so because Brazil tends to send presidents to jail, he likes to be called an administrator instead. So he's about 3 doors down from me.
Justin "The Juice"
Is, um, uh, what's his— okay, so my understanding of, of Bolsonaro is that he is a big fan of hospitals in Florida. So have they recreated that for his jail cell? Because they should. It would be cruel not to.
Caleb
Oh, you know, I don't know. But, you know, he's also a real big fan of breeding new and interesting variants of infectious viruses.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, specifically in a Florida hospital.
Caleb
True, true.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, I understand. I'm obviously being facetious. I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm saying imagine if his jail cell was just a recreation of an— of like some— oh gosh, what's the big health company in Florida or healthcare company in Florida? Advent, AdventHealth. Yeah.
Caleb
Yeah, I think it's Advent.
Justin "The Juice"
Imagine if it was just like a, just a complete recreation of like an AdventHealth ER. He'd feel right at home.
Caleb
He would, he would. But no, so I got the HOA president about 3 doors down on one side. And if you go down the hill and around the curve, On the left-hand side, there is a beater Mercedes A-Class that ain't moved in at least 6 months. It was parked in the same spot when we looked at the house in November. The only thing that has changed is the bumper was half off of it then, and somebody went out there with some zip ties and put it back on.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, so you're saying that you need to acquire that Mercedes A-Class?
Caleb
Well, I'm saying my HOA is relatively chill.
Justin "The Juice"
What I'm hearing is you need to acquire that Mercedes A-Class and park it in your yard.
Caleb
Well, no, because my wife would not let me have it as yard art.
Justin "The Juice"
It could be running yard art.
Caleb
And drivable.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, that's a little tougher.
Caleb
I also have a neighbor a few doors down that, uh, has a Chevrolet Omega.
Justin "The Juice"
Is that like an Opel Omega?
Caleb
No, because this is a second generation— oh no, third generation Omega, which we got in 'Murica as the Pontiac G8.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, so it's a Holden.
Caleb
It's a Holden.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
With a Chevrolet badge.
Justin "The Juice"
That's fire.
Caleb
And it's armored.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, hell yeah.
Caleb
And—
Justin "The Juice"
Is it a V8?
Caleb
It's a 3800 Series II.
Justin "The Juice"
It's a longitudinal 3800?
Caleb
It is.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God, you can slap a supercharger on that.
Caleb
Hell yeah, brother. And they are not super expensive.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, that's, that's an option. That's an option. Okay, yeah, pick you up a— pick you up an armored Omega with a 3800. Get you some ZZP parts. Big-ass supercharger, tiny-ass pulley.
Caleb
Just be whining down the road there. I need to get my Fiat done first and, uh, did brakes on it over weekend and all that good stuff, which, uh—
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, is the Omega— can you get it with a stick?
Caleb
It is auto tragic in the second and third gen. The first generation you could get a manual.
Justin "The Juice"
Still longitudinal 3800?
Caleb
Not longitudinal 3800. Longitudinal 4100 straight-6.
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, wait, wait, that's not— no, so if it's a first gen, so that's old. So that's, that's like an old GM straight-6.
Caleb
Remember the GM 250 straight-6?
Justin "The Juice"
Like the frickin', like, tri-five Chevys had? Or not tri-five, but like '60s, like, bullshit, like Novas and shit had?
Caleb
It is the ultimate evolution of that motor, yes.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, well, can that be like boosted to hell?
Caleb
Yep.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, do that then.
Caleb
You could get it with a manual in wagon form, unlike the 2nd and 3rd gen. So straight-6 manual wagon, and brown was a factory color.
Justin "The Juice"
That's pretty good.
Caleb
That's pretty good. And it's got a diesel-like torque curve.
Justin "The Juice"
I was going to say it's not a diesel, but—
Caleb
Brown manual rear-wheel drive alcohol wagon.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah. That's, that's Brazil spec.
Caleb
Yeah. We don't need the— we don't run diesel wagon down here. We run alcohol wagon.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm okay with that. Smells good. ITBs.
Caleb
ITBs are the plan, man.
Justin "The Juice"
ITBs. Hell yeah. So, well, we— what was I gonna say? Oh, so the— I want to talk about the freaking 944. So there, I think we've mentioned it before, there is a Porsche 944 that is sitting in the woods on the edge of our property.
Caleb
Folks will remember this from previous episodes as the Hantavirus 944.
Justin "The Juice"
So I decided, I was like, you know what? I'm sick of this thing sitting in the woods rotting away. I'm gonna try and do something with it. Um, so I'm like, hey, uh, hey Dad, can I throw it in the building? And he's like, ah, maybe. And then my mom's like, hell no. I'm like, why do you care? But fine. And then my dad's like, yeah, no, it's not— you don't own it, so it's not going in the building unless you own it. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, you know what? And yeah, uh, we're sick of it being on the property. Uh, your friend said it would only be here 4 months and it's been 5 years. Finally, I just realized, why the hell don't I just buy it off of him? So I was like, because my parents are like, yeah, if you buy it, you can put it in the building. And I was like, good, then it won't rot away any further. Because I know he's going through— he got— he's having a kid, like, he's got, he's got a lot of stuff going on. There ain't no way in hell he's getting to this car anytime soon. soon, even if he claims he wants to, which he keeps saying. I'm gonna get to it, I'm gonna get to it, bro. It's been 5 years, right? Sure you are. You've been saying that for 5 years, bro. Sell me the 944. And he's like, yeah, sure, a million bucks. And I'm like, no, seriously, dude, I'll give you $100 for it. He didn't respond. And I'm like, no, seriously, my parents want it out of here. Please, like, sell it to me or get it the hell out of here because they're getting pissed. And he's like, he didn't respond. He completely just didn't respond. I'm seeing him on Sunday. This is such a shame and a half. It's a, it's like an '87 or something, 944S. It's manual. Like, it's a good spec. I'm like, what? Just sell it to me, man, and I'll sell it. If I don't do anything with it and you eventually want to do something with it, I'll sell it back to you. Like, whatever. Just let me put it in the building, for fuck's sake.
Caleb
I mean, it's You know, do the same kind of deal I did when I had a Roadmaster and bought it from a buddy of mine and told him, hey, I ever need to get rid of it, you got right of first refusal and I'll sell it back to you for what I got in it.
Justin "The Juice"
And yeah, that's literally— I mean, that's— we've done this before. I mean, I bought the Peugeot 505 turbo diesel he had. I drove it till it blew up. and then he bought it back off of me for $100. Why can't we just do that again, bro? It's like, it's fine.
Caleb
And this one's already blown up.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I mean, at least the clutch is, or the slave cylinder is, you know, if he sells it to me for cheap, I'll put it in the building and I'll slowly work on the thing. I don't got no money, but I sure as hell got time. So at the very least, I'll clean it up, strip the interior out, and, you know, a non-rusty 944 with a running— well, at least running as of 5 years ago.
Caleb
Ran when parked.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, literally ran when parked. A ran when parked 944 with, yeah, sure, a bad slave cylinder, but other than that it's fine. Sure, I'd have to completely strip the interior basically because it's wrecked at this point, but I probably could sell that thing for $2,000 to $3,000 even, right? Like, 944s are worth it, like It's not the same as it used to be. 944, like a shitty one that ran and drove, used to be maybe $3,000, $4,000, $5,000. Now I bet you can't even get a shell for $2,000.
Caleb
What we could do, and hear me out, lemon champions.
Justin "The Juice"
No, that's what I, what I want. I would prefer to like actually turn it into a race car or something. That'd be awesome. But if I don't have the money for that, Which I probably— I never have money, so I probably won't, especially if I'm trying to do stuff with the Stagea, which I am. At the very least, I can clean it out and sell it. And it's not— that's not happening right now, that's for damn sure.
Caleb
You don't have to finish the race car anytime this decade.
Justin "The Juice"
That is also true. It can just sit. But as long as it's sitting inside, it's gonna be a lot better than sitting outside. Because although mice get into that building sometimes, At least I only have to deal with one bullshit thing, which is mice, maybe, rather than it being in the weather with a window down and mice and ants and all the— and mold and etc., etc., etc. I did—
Caleb
What kind of ants?
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, just normal, just normal ants, not fire ants.
Caleb
I was gonna say, if they were fire ants, uh, that's where I That's the part where you call in the SWAT team.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. No. So what I did do is I took a leaf blower and I blew all the shit out of the interior. I put a blanket over the seat so I could sit in it for a second. The clutch is to the floor. The brakes are stuck on, but I did manage to get the parking brake off, but it's probably still stuck, rusted in place, and it won't move even though I pumped the tires up. If I drag it, the brakes will either break free or it'll at least be draggable. Nonetheless.
Caleb
I mean, you do have Expedition.
Justin "The Juice"
So yeah, that's what I'm saying. I can— I got a tow strap. I can drag the thing. Yeah, I mean, I just want— my parents want it off the property, which is funny because it's technically on the neighbor's property because it's right on the edge of our property. What I will do is threaten Chris with a storage fee, $100 a week unless you get this shit out of here now. And that's gonna— and I'll be like, or you could sell it to me for $100. And that'll probably get him to actually do something about it.
Caleb
You know, in your defense, it's been there for 5 years. You know, he said it would be a couple months and it's been 5 years later.
Justin "The Juice"
Basically, after it was there for a year, I've been like, dude, why isn't it gone yet? Dude, why isn't it gone yet? Yeah, sure. Past couple years, I forgot about it. But now that I'm back here, I'm like, dude, why isn't it gone yet? And he is— he's just beating around the bush. Bro, shit or get off the pot. Get rid of it or do something with it.
Caleb
To be fair, you know, give him benefit of the doubt here. He does have quite a few sob stories.
Justin "The Juice"
But he doesn't have any sob stories right now. And he even was complaining about how he's having a kid so he can't have 3 cars and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, no, no, dude, you have 4 cars. Don't forget about the Porsche.
Caleb
Your non-driving car has been my problem for 5 years.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes, I am. For me, the reason it's a problem is because I am crying that a perfectly good 944 is wasting away in the woods. And my— and it's mostly a problem because now my parents are upset. Sell it to me for $100, dude. Come on.
Caleb
So Chris, if you're listening to this broadcast, sell the 944, sell the 944. You are being hypnotized by the sound of my voice to sell the 944.
Justin "The Juice"
But, uh, so hey, imagine though, imagine if he did, and imagine if I got the thing up and running and the interior somehow was mildly salvageable and I had a running, driving 944. I would have a Stagea, a '99 Expedition with a 4.6, And a 944. I mean, that's kind of a pretty great garage.
Caleb
What color is the 944?
Justin "The Juice"
Dark blue.
Caleb
How good's the paint?
Justin "The Juice"
Not great.
Caleb
Here's what you do after you acquire this vehicle. What you do now is you go, you take yourself down to the old, uh, Tractor Supply Store, you get yourself, you know, a couple gallons of that old white tractor paint. And you, and you give her the best $50 paint job you can give her.
Justin "The Juice"
Honestly, the Stagea needs a paint job more than the 944 does, because I don't think the 944 has too much clear coat peeling. It's just the clear coat is cooked.
Caleb
No, once the clear coat's cooked, there is no bringing it back.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, no, I'm saying, I'm saying it's, it's not cooked in the sense that it's flaking off. It's, it's just really scratchy and dirty and terrible and faded.
Caleb
No, like, there's no saving it.
Justin "The Juice"
All right.
Caleb
Like, if it starts turning white, it's not savable.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, either way, I still want the damn thing out of the woods. I don't care about the No, I agree.
Caleb
But here's what I'm telling you though. You go and you get yourself some Tractor Supply white tractor paint, you know, a couple gallons, you know, like $50, $75, and get you some thinner. And hell, get you one of them electric spray guns while you're at it.
Justin "The Juice"
I got an electric— I got a shitty electric spray gun that's meant for stain. I bet it would work with paint.
Caleb
Yeah, just thin her out real good. You'll be fine. You will have yourself a perfectly cromulent '80s rich playboy car. That's the color of what folks did off the hood of those things back when they were new.
Justin "The Juice"
That's true. And then I could swap the interior for, for a white interior and we'd be, we'd be cooking. Cromulent is the goal, isn't it, of this podcast? Cromulent is the word.
Caleb
Cromulent is the goal of this broadcast, yes. We have higher visions than just podcast.
Justin "The Juice"
That's fair. That's fair.
Caleb
We're going for multinational media empire. There is a reason that this broadcast Is brought to you by Hampians Broadcast International.
Justin "The Juice"
It's true.
Caleb
HBI, baby. HBI.
Justin "The Juice"
If anyone happens to be listening that was there, shout out, I suppose. And you'll you you would have seen me there. But I'm bringing the I'm bringing the stage here to Cars and Coffee this weekend. This is the first official car show it's been to.
Caleb
Well, yeah, bro.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, no. Maybe.
Caleb
It's the first Tennessean car show it's been to.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, no, no, I went to, I went to a, I went to a furry car meet, uh, in Columbus, uh, that was actually hosted by the Cincinnati Car Furs, um, but they had like an on-the-road one in Columbus. They were like, oh, let's do one in Columbus. So, uh, I took the Stagea to that, but that, I was only there for like an hour or something, not even like, like just gonna Throw this down here.
Caleb
Sorry to offend any of our Ohioan listeners, but Tennessee car meets slap way harder than Ohio.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my goodness. Yeah, no, no, no. The thing is, is that people— car enthusiasts in Tennessee— the amount of car enthusiasm in Tennessee is significantly higher than in Ohio. Ohio has a lot of racing enthusiasts. But the amount of people who actually give a shit about the car they daily drive is a lot lower. They would rather drive a piece of shit. They would rather drive a normie-ass car and then have a dirt track car for the weekend or a drag car or something. People in Tennessee, they want a fun car to daily because we actually have good roads.
Caleb
Yeah. I will also say none of the above was meant to offend Friend of the show and hopefully listener Myron Vernis. Shout out to Myron. You are the OG. You are the one good car guy in Ohio.
Justin "The Juice"
No, there's a couple. There's a couple. I'm just saying it. The general enthusiasm seems to be placed in a different spot in Ohio because of just— there ain't, at least in central and northern Ohio, I don't know much about the car culture in southern Ohio, but I can imagine it's better because the roads are better, because they got more elevation, they got more mountains.
Caleb
And meanwhile, here on the Brazilian side, I just go for, oh hey, we didn't get this in the US, I want one.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, yeah, no, that's what I'd be doing too, for sure. I mean, I love forbidden fruit cars. Why do you think I drive a Stagea?
Caleb
I mean, yeah, I mean That's why I've got the Premio, and I had an Alfa 155 before this.
Justin "The Juice"
The other thing at the end of the day is I'm sure you'll probably agree with this statement. Forbidden fruit cars are amazing to think about. Like, oh, it's going to be, you know, there's going to be something so frickin special about this car because we didn't get it here. Well, you drive it and then it's like, I don't know what I was expecting, It's a car. It does car things.
Caleb
The Alfa had great seats.
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, that's, that's not what I— that's not what I mean. I just mean like there's no like—
Caleb
But it was just a car.
Justin "The Juice"
It's just a car. Like at the end of the day, even though the Stagea is a weird-ass car to have in the States, it's just a big comfy wagon.
Caleb
Like there's It was the Japanese Roadmaster.
Justin "The Juice"
I guess when you finally eat the forbidden fruit, right, you take a bite into it and you're like, damn, that's a good apple. But then you think about it and you're like, yeah, but it was still an apple. But I think you can get that sort of feeling just with getting, you know, even cars that they sell in the States. You know, you can get something that's truly different. But when you go and you import or get a car that we don't get in the States, that is just a normal-ass car in another country, you shouldn't be surprised when you drive it that it's just a normal-ass car. It's comfy. It, it, it just— you drive places and you put stuff in it and you put people in it. It, it's a car.
Caleb
Well, I mean, the Fiat is lacking the AC part.
Justin "The Juice"
Unfortunate.
Caleb
And depending on who you ask, is lacking the comfort part. Like, for me, it's comfortable. For my wife, it's comfortable. For any of the poor souls who have to sit behind us in the back seat, it ain't so much.
Justin "The Juice"
The, um, I gotta— that reminds me, I gotta, I gotta complain for a second. The Stagea, for how decently sized it is, And it has a massive-ass trunk in there— or not trunk, but the storage area in the back. Right.
Caleb
You—
Justin "The Juice"
they could have, they could have pushed the rear seats back a little bit far. I mean, I know they, I know they couldn't have based on the platform they were using with the Laurel, but I just feel like they could have pushed those rear seats back like a couple inches, man. You don't, you don't get, you don't get jack shit for legroom in that thing. The, the rear seats, they recline. And like, if you're in the— if you're, if you're behind the passenger and, you know, the passenger has their, you know, they have a little more room, they can put their seat up a little farther, especially if they're kind of short. It's comfy as hell back there. But if you're sitting behind me, I have the seat pushed all the way back. It's— you don't get any damn legroom.
Caleb
Yeah, same. My car is— you, for those who listen, y'all know I love the first-gen Honda Insight. I love tiny cars. The Premio is basically the same size as a first-gen Insight, but it's also several inches narrower.
Geno
Oh.
Caleb
And unlike the Insight, Fiat put seat belts for 5 in this thing.
Justin "The Juice"
As some 5 small-ass people.
Caleb
Um, I'm America size. My wife is not, but she is the same. She— we are both about the same height. When our friends ride in the backseat, they ain't necessarily happy about it.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, it's claustrophobic. You don't got any room to move.
Caleb
Of course, you know, she's only got lap belts in the back anyway, so—
Geno
Woo!
Caleb
State-of-the-art safety technology.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
And manual adjust front belts. They don't even retract. It's manual adjustment.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my goodness.
Caleb
Hey, as I said, state-of-the-art safety technology. Mon Dieu, hand of God. One last bit into the ether about forbidden fruit cars and what's forbidden fruit here on the Brazilian market compared to America where it's common-ish. I want to bring down a Roadmaster Estate.
Justin "The Juice"
Please. Oh my goodness. That would honestly, like, that would fit in so well in Brazil for some reason. It just feels like a vibe. Like, it's— that car works anywhere. That car looks good in Japan. That car looks good in Germany. That car looks good in England. That car looks good in Brazil. Like, it's just a— that car is the road master. If there is a road, it looks correct on said road.
Caleb
Yep. You know, just acres of genuine imitation wood.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah. Only if it's got the vista roof.
Caleb
Um, all Roadmasters had it.
Justin "The Juice"
All Roadmasters had the Vista? I thought that was an option.
Caleb
No, the wood grain— the wood grain delete was optional. The Vista roof was not. However, you are— you may be confusing it with the Caprice wagon, which did not have it.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, I might be then. Yeah. All right, I'll get you— get you a Roadmaster. And get you the fake wood. And— ooh, okay, I've got an idea.
Caleb
Most of them had the fake wood. Yeah, rare option is the wood delete.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay.
Caleb
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
So I got an idea. So they got LT1s in them, right?
Caleb
'94 and '96. '94 to '96. Yes.
Justin "The Juice"
What else do they have?
Caleb
So '91. The standard motor was a 305.
Geno
Ew.
Caleb
Then '92, '93 was a 350 throttle body injection.
Justin "The Juice"
The 305, 350 with TBI, that's also—
Caleb
Well, the 305 was also TBI.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, the 305. You know how I say there's one car that I feel is perfectly fine with the 305, and there's only one car that I feel is perfectly fine with the 305.
Caleb
Which car is it?
Justin "The Juice"
That's a G-body El Camino.
Caleb
Yeah, that's perfectly cromulent for that application.
Justin "The Juice"
It doesn't need to move. It sounds hilarious with a straight pipe. It sounds gurgly and burbly and watery and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And it doesn't need to go anywhere. It's a it's a freaking el it's a freaking El Camino. I mean, yeah, sure, you got fast versions. That's cool. But the cool factor of the El Camino is that it's an El Camino. So as long as it sounds burbly and has a V8, it doesn't— you're good. Who cares? So yeah, 305 is fine in that.
Caleb
No, the, the Roadmaster. My dad had a '91 with a 305. It was a decent vehicle.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, I'm sure. I'm like, I'm just— I'm talking shit. I'm sure it's fine with a 305 or a 350.
Caleb
Yes, hello.
Justin "The Juice"
You want the LT1.
Caleb
Yeah. And so in '91 to '93, uh, call me out if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was a 700R4. And then in '94 with the LT1, they also put the 4L shitty behind it.
Justin "The Juice"
D'aww.
Caleb
Which, you know, if you, uh, If you push hard enough, you can have 4 neutrals.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, but here's, here's what I'm thinking. So I'm sure everybody and their mother is thinking just slap an LS in the hoe, right? Slap an LS and a Tremec T6 or something in it, right?
Caleb
No, no, no, no, no, that ruins the vibe, man.
Justin "The Juice"
So that— no, that's exactly what I'm saying. That ruins the vibe. Yeah, you don't want an LS. I know it's another Corvette motor and No, no, that makes too much sense. Here at the International Race of Hampians, we champion the weird, the quirky, and the—
Caleb
Unusually cromulent.
Justin "The Juice"
Here's what you got to do. That, uh, the LT1 that was in the Corvette, the C4, you know what else was it? You know what else was in the C4 Corvette?
Caleb
The, uh, 350 with throttle body injection?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but that's not what I'm— no, look, well, you could, you could just get a Roadmaster with that. No, the low— no. What if you somehow managed to source one of them Lotus quad cam— or is it quad cam? One of those Lotus V8s that was in the ZR1.
Caleb
The dual overhead cam Lotus motor?
Justin "The Juice"
The dual overhead cam Lotus motor that was in the ZR1. Why hasn't someone slapped one of those into a Roadmaster?
Caleb
Because Lotus stands for lots of trouble, usually serious. You know, you could be on something here.
Justin "The Juice"
Now, I don't know if an automatic would bolt up to it, but you know what, I know—
Caleb
It's a 350 bolt pattern. Of course it'll bolt up. It's a 350.
Justin "The Juice"
More than likely, it would just drop right in, and then you would have a freaking ZR1 Lotus Mercury Marine motor, which is badass as fuck and way cooler and way more unique and weird and autistic than an LS. And that is the goal of this podcast.
Caleb
This broadcast.
Justin "The Juice"
Broadcast. We do love our broads.
Caleb
Indeed we do. And on that note, It is time to have our closing arguments for this week's broadcast.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, what are we arguing about?
Caleb
You should go check your oil. It's probably low.
Justin "The Juice"
It's not an argument, but you should.
Geno
Closing statements.
Caleb
Yeah, our closing statements. There we go, our closing statements. And I know mine is because it's a Fiat and it's leaking out the rear main seal right now. Well, if it wasn't, you'd have a Oh yeah, because there's no oil in it then.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, exactly. Now I actually, I haven't checked the Stagea's oil in a little while. I probably should go check that.
Caleb
Yeah. All right folks, we're going to check oil. Y'all have a good day now. Bye.