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Episode 12: Let's Play a Game...
The weekly check-in with the hosts and another round of Cars Against Humanity
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Caleb
Good morning and welcome to the International Race of Hammpions, coming to you live from where you get your podcasts. I'm Caleb. I'm joined here tonight with Gino and Justin the Juice. We got a good show for y'all tonight. We've got the reservoir report. We've got the report from the Land of 10,000 Glizzies. And of course, we continue with our Tales from Rio. Also tonight, uh, to wrap up the show, we have a very special treat— round 2 of Cars Against Humanity. So let's get started, y'all. Kick it off, Juice.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, all right, uh, hope everybody's had a solid week. Um, out here on the lake, not too much has been going on really. Uh, I did some back road smashing in the minivan earlier, and, uh, it does a better job than it should on these back roads, honestly. It, it, it's planted. It feels pretty good. Um, that's a, that's a Kia freaking 2015 Kia Sedona. So it doesn't have much steering feel, but like, it works. It, it's all right.
Caleb
I mean, uh, who needs steering feel anyway?
Justin "The Juice"
Yep. Oh, the, uh, freaking— okay, so the, the jet ski, uh, it, it has always been a pain in the ass to start. Um, at least for the longest time it's been a pain in the ass to start, and, um, it just takes Like half a freaking can of starting fluid to get it started, and it makes no damn sense. And it has a primer pump, so I messed with the primer pump, tried to fix it, and I got the primer pump working again. But the issue is that, uh, even with the primer pump shooting fuel directly into the carbs, uh, it still doesn't want to start. It will sort of sputter, but it won't want to keep running.
Geno
Oh.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, until you like just douse it. I, I didn't want to like just dump a ton of fuel in there, so I just did starting fluid instead. Um, I don't know what the problem really could be, but I think there might be some sort of vapor lock, vacuum issue with the fuel tank to where it doesn't want to pull fuel properly. That's why it's sort of sputtering when you give it some starting fluid.
Caleb
But it It doesn't—
Justin "The Juice"
it's not able to pull enough fuel through to keep running. And once you give it a ton and it can run off the starting fluid or whatever for a second, then it can pull the fuel through. So I'm gonna look into— I'm— I, I gotta mess with it. We pulled it out of the water. Uh, it's just being a pain in the ass.
Caleb
I mean, that's called a carburetor.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I mean, triple carbs.
Caleb
Oof. Yeah. Triple carb, triple problem. Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
And it's a 2-stroke.
Geno
Nothing like a good 2-smoke.
Caleb
Mm-hmm.
Geno
Amen.
Justin "The Juice"
So, and it's been rebuilt before because it wasn't getting oil.
Caleb
All right.
Geno
And now from the land of 10,000 glizzies, Well, I've also been driving the minivan since the, uh, the tow truck came and hauled away the Forester. Uh, but let's see, Tuesday I'll be getting a brand new to me car, and I've— that'll be a fun update for next week's show. It comes with, uh, most of a new car worth of parts as well, so. Should be a good time there. Uh, let's see, glizzy-wise, I visited one of my favorite local cocktail bars the other night. Uh, shout out to Meteor in North Minneapolis and had a couple of delicious glizzies there as well as, uh, some beautiful cocktails, one of them called Kurt Russell's Mullet.
Caleb
That just sounds good.
Justin "The Juice"
That reminds me of the barbecue I had last night. Not Kurt Russell's mullet, but just food in general. There is a barbecue place at Cove Lake State Park in Caryville off the I-75 Caryville-Lafollette exit. And it's called Rickard Ridge. And it's old school, Uh, it was like all old people in there, um, but it's at the— it's at this absolutely gorgeous park, Cove Lake State Park. It just has a beautiful view. Um, I sent a photo to y'all last night. That was, that was the park.
Caleb
Mm-hmm.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, because you can see the mountains right there and the lake, and it's, it's just gorgeous. It's Memphis-style barbecue. Um, got me a half rack of ribs, uh, some baked beans, and some, uh, coleslaw. And, um, it— oh my, oh my, the, the ribs were fall-off-the-bone tender.
Caleb
The—
Justin "The Juice"
they were super smoky. The, the barbecue— so it was dry rub, but they gave you barbecue sauce. And the barbecue— the dry rub was fantastic. The barbecue sauce that they, um, gave you, fantastic. They also had hot barbecue sauce. Oh, so good. Uh, the, the baked beans were interesting. They were more like— they weren't Bush's, that's for sure. They were like home— they made them themselves.
Geno
Roll that beautiful bean footage.
Caleb
Yeah, yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
They, they were like pinto beans and some, some sort of almost a little bit more, a little bit more vinegar-based sauce. And then it had like the— it had meat in it, but it wasn't bacon. It was like—
Geno
Were they like calico beans?
Justin "The Juice"
I don't know, but it was like The meat was like meatball meat. It was—
Geno
Yeah, like ground beef. Yeah, that sounds like calico beans.
Justin "The Juice"
Must be, must be.
Geno
That's a pretty common, uh, pretty common at a potluck up here in the Great White North.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. And then the coleslaw was fantastic. It definitely tastes fresh. So everything was amazing. The rolls were amazing. That place kicks ass. Um, very old school, like it looks like someone's living room. It's weird. Um, but that I would recommend.
Geno
Yeah, I would, uh, so I just looked up the recipe here for the Kurt Russell's Mullet. It's, uh, it's, uh, banana oat milk, banana-infused vodka, tahini, turbinado, carciofo, or carciofo, banana liqueur, and Angostura. It's fucking fantastic, and it's Mildly reminiscent of cigarette smoke in a not unpleasant way. Like, uh, like I said, uh, Meteor is probably my favorite cocktail bar in the cities. If you're local to here, absolutely check it out. And if you're not local to here and you're coming through, check it the fuck out. It's great.
Justin "The Juice"
Hell yeah.
Caleb
All right, official endorsement: Meteor in North Minneapolis.
Justin "The Juice"
And Rickard Ridge Barbecue in Caryville, Tennessee.
Caleb
Rickard Ridge Barbecue, Caryville, Tennessee. Man, y'all are—
Geno
We're open to taking both of your monies.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, and you know what I saw at Rickard Ridge? I saw 3 abandoned vehicles. A 2005-ish Subaru Outback. A 1990s— a 1997-ish F-150 XL. So, it had the V6.
Caleb
Also probably head gasket.
Justin "The Juice"
And the long bed, 2-door. And a, like, '97? Something like that. '96? Grand Caravan, but like a loaded one.
Caleb
Transmission.
Justin "The Juice"
And they'd all been sitting for a few years because the plates were like '24, '05, and like '02.
Caleb
Yeah. I learned to drive stick in that era F-150. But it was my dad's truck. So the clutch was shot about 200,000 miles before dad got it. And, uh, he tried to teach me to drive stick in it, and it's like, man, and it's like, man, the reason I can't drive stick in this thing is because the clutch is— the clutch is gone. And after Dad passed, I remember, you know, we were moving vehicles and stuff, and I was having trouble getting the truck moved, and my aunt was like You know, all right, let me do it. Cause I've been driving a stick, you know, since long before you were born. She hops in, she can't get it to move. And, uh, it took about 3 of us trying for this thing to self-propel. But man, yeah, I miss those old F-150s.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, that's why I love my, that's why I love my dad's Expedition. And I just— it's, it's nice and fresh right now. It's in pretty good shape, honestly. Paint's good, like it looks good. Uh, I mean, uh, you know what, that thing, that thing needs a— I think it needs a manual swap.
Caleb
It does need a manual swap.
Justin "The Juice"
I saw an Expedition, somebody put a— I think they did a manual swap. And I have also seen an Expedition With a Kenny Bell blower on it.
Caleb
So what I'm hearing is you need a Kenny Bell blower with a manual swap.
Justin "The Juice"
What you're hearing is we need to make a Terminator Expedition.
Caleb
And we should probably slam it and put on TE37s with a Bosozoku exhaust.
Justin "The Juice"
Fuck it, we'll pull. No, no, side exits, side exits. But side exit.
Caleb
Big flaps.
Justin "The Juice"
Bosozoku side exit.
Caleb
Don't we call those exhaust stacks?
Justin "The Juice"
No, no, because they take up 2 lanes.
Caleb
And then down here in the land that Stellantis forgot, I've been—
Geno
Lucky.
Justin "The Juice"
The land that Stellantis forgot.
Caleb
The, uh—
Justin "The Juice"
You know, I'm sorry, I'm just— I'm— they're gonna figure it out. They're gonna somehow— the, the last standing mega corporation when every corporation merges will be Stellantis. And just like in Cyberpunk 2077, like, there's like the, the Saka Group or whatever. whatever it's called, that controls everything, it's gonna be Stellantis, unfortunately for us.
Geno
I think we're gonna wind up— it's gonna be, uh, it's gonna be Demolition Man and it's gonna be Taco Bell.
Justin "The Juice"
The only 2 companies in the world left are Taco Bell and Stellantis.
Geno
Better practice using those 3 seashells.
Caleb
We don't talk about the 3rd seashell. But so—
Justin "The Juice"
but, but the seashells are made out of Chrysler plastics.
Geno
Ooh.
Justin "The Juice"
Ouch.
Caleb
That's gonna hurt. That's gonna hurt. So down here in the land of Atlantis— I bought a— Forgot. I've been, uh, I've been working on getting the carburetor tuned on the Fiat, and, uh, it has been doing some Fiat things this week. So I've, uh, y'all can't see it, but I am holding a factory Autolite relay from said Fiat, the relay in the Fiat. But I had to put ignition switch in it and, uh, you know, a couple little things like that and put a set of tires under it. It's about ready to go through inspection this week, hopefully. So dug the seat belts out from under the back seat and made them visible so the inspector can see them, all that mess.
Justin "The Juice"
Hmm.
Caleb
Yeah, it's, uh, we're Getting ready for the, uh, transfer inspection. So that shouldn't be too bad, I hope. And, uh, yeah, other than that, you know, been tuning a single barrel Solex carb this morning, which that was an experience.
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, yeah, I can, I can imagine.
Caleb
Officer, I promise you I have not been drinking. The car runs on E100.
Geno
I, I feel like you're in for a long future of exchanging fiat currency for fiat parts.
Caleb
No, and, uh, my father-in-law—
Geno
They work because an Italian said they should.
Caleb
No, my father-in-law, uh, earlier this week offered us— offered to sell us his 2017 Fiat because he has finally decided he is tired of dealing with Fiat problems and Volkswagen problems and went out and bought a BYD. So he's gone all electric.
Justin "The Juice"
I decided I was sick of Volkswagen problems and bought a Nissan, which That's, you know, that's like going from a Volkswagen to a Fiat. I mean, it's— I, I feel them.
Geno
What they say, Volkswagen, vol problems.
Caleb
Yeah, about right.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, Nissan stands for found on road dead in Japanese.
Geno
I can't talk too much. I'm about to be the proud owner of 3 red block Volvos, so Oh wait, those are dead nuts reliable because I'm— well, I'm an idiot, but not that kind of idiot.
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, I know what you should do.
Geno
Swap something unreliable into one?
Justin "The Juice"
No, you should send out an APB for any and all, um, broken red blocks. Red blocks that have a rod thrown through them.
Geno
Right?
Justin "The Juice"
And then make a red block brick wall out of them.
Caleb
Hmm. I mean, I was just gonna suggest a red block swap in Anne's van, but— No, but I'm saying—
Geno
I would if I could.
Justin "The Juice"
That's why I'm saying the broken ones, the ones that are not repaired. Instead of melting it down, it's a, it's a brick. It's a brick that goes in a brick. That looks like a brick, that's the color of a brick. Why aren't you making a wall out of it?
Geno
I mean, I'm not against red block swapping the van. However, due to the nature of the dropped floor, we need to find a front-wheel drive transmission that you can bolt a red block to. Hmm.
Caleb
I mean, what you could also do is get a GMC Vandura and convert that. And at that point, just paint it black with the proper stripage, and you see where I'm going with this.
Geno
I mean, I do. There's also—
Justin "The Juice"
what's the—
Geno
you just posted a link to the— what's that, uh, that custom-made wheelchair van? Because that's built on a Ford Fox platform, I think.
Justin "The Juice"
The MV-1.
Geno
Yeah, that could be red block swapped.
Caleb
Ooh, and that's F-150 platform.
Geno
I think it's got the same engine as the, uh—
Justin "The Juice"
It's got a 4.6.
Geno
Yeah, we did see one of those for sale up here, and I was trying to convince her to buy it just because it's cool.
Justin "The Juice"
Kinda is.
Geno
And it's the only way we'd ever get a wheelchair van that's cool.
Caleb
It's on the World War II element.
Geno
Whereas like our next one realistically is probably going to be a Toyota Sienna hybrid all-wheel drive, which is an engineering marvel, but not cool.
Caleb
No, that's, uh, that's about as far away as you get.
Justin "The Juice"
So somebody has obviously put a 4.6 in a Volvo that had a red block. So somebody's obviously made a, uh, an adapter plate. So just flip the adapter plate around. I mean, it should work.
Caleb
I mean, turbo redlined.
Geno
Turbo redlined.
Caleb
Hear me out here.
Justin "The Juice"
Hear me out. No wastegate.
Caleb
No, hear me out on how this actually works. Oh, yep, you know, just get yourself a couple old transmissions, a Sawzall, and a stick welder.
Geno
Now we're talking. So here's the thing, I have thought about engine swapping the van and I think the most realistic idea that's still fucking stupid— actually, there's 2. Northstar V8.
Caleb
Okay.
Geno
Or supercharged 3800.
Caleb
3800.
Justin "The Juice"
Why not both?
Geno
One in back?
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Geno
Twin engine, all-wheel drive?
Justin "The Juice"
Like the Twin Star.
Caleb
The Chrysler Twin and Country.
Geno
Damn it, you're selling me on this.
Justin "The Juice"
It would have to be 2 Hemis then.
Caleb
I mean, no, they wouldn't have made a wrong-wheel drive Hemi transmission because they can't even get rear-drive transmissions right.
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, wait, wait. Engineer a hemispherical combustion chamber for the engine that comes in the Town and Country.
Geno
I've got an even stupider idea. You just put them in the front and the back and have driveshafts running next to each other the length of the van, and you just get a reverse cut differential in the front.
Caleb
This is so stupid it could almost work.
Justin "The Juice"
By God.
Caleb
I mean, something something, you know, if it's stupid and it works, well, it's still stupid and you just got lucky.
Justin "The Juice"
The fireworks agree.
Geno
That might be the dumbest possible idea.
Justin "The Juice"
That might be.
Caleb
I think, I think we're on to something though. I mean, why have there not been more rear-engine, front-wheel drive vehicles?
Geno
Because it's the worst idea in the world.
Justin "The Juice"
It's the di— it's the, uh, Dymaxion car. That's the only one.
Caleb
There we go. It's time for Dymaxion 2. Y'all hear— y'all heard it here first, folks. Dymaxion 2, it's coming back.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, rear engine, front-wheel drive feels to me like a horse-drawn buggy, or like if all the weight is in the back, But it's the traction's in the front. That's a vibe. So I think if you were to make a car, I think—
Geno
No, I'm saying horses are rear-wheel drive.
Justin "The Juice"
The horses themselves are, but them as a unit—
Geno
They're pulling a trailer.
Justin "The Juice"
Ah, true. Oh, okay. But the way I'm thinking about it is the perfect car for that setup would be one of those stupid-ass retro-looking fake Zenith cars or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? The ones that are like based off like a Town Car, but it's supposed to look like a '30s Mercedes.
Caleb
I know what you're talking about.
Justin "The Juice"
Imagine that, but like limo length. Like the hood is like the length of the limo. The cabin was all the way in the back and it was front-wheel drive and the engine was in the rear. So it was like a chariot.
Caleb
That could be. This sounds like something Mitsuoka would do if they weren't constrained by Japanese size laws.
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, ooh. Okay, wait. How would you—
Geno
what—
Justin "The Juice"
how could you engineer that? You— would it just have to be a car that's backwards? Like, you just— or would— could you— would you have to take like a 911 and somehow make it front-wheel drive? And extend it.
Caleb
I mean, vote the— okay, so the throttle control, that stuff, not too bad because that can all be drive-by-wire.
Justin "The Juice"
911 Turbo extended, no rear diff.
Caleb
That—
Justin "The Juice"
Or no, no, no rear transmission. No, just, just The front diff and transaxle.
Caleb
Hmm. That's so stupid it might almost work.
Justin "The Juice"
I mean, it depends on what you mean by work.
Geno
You know, honestly, like, this idea is so stupid I'm surprised Citroën hasn't done it.
Justin "The Juice"
It's almost like the Traction Avant, except that was front engine.
Caleb
It's the Traction something. The Traction— Traction of—
Justin "The Juice"
the Traction Avoid.
Caleb
The Traction Dumas.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah. Traction Merde.
Caleb
All right, and I don't know, what do y'all think, gentlemen? I think it sounds about like time for, uh, kicking off a, uh, Cars Against Humanity game.
Geno
I think so.
Caleb
All right, so for those who have not seen— well, heard episode 8, the rules are very simple. We get 7 cards each. And other than that, standard Cards Against Humanity rules. Whoever's got the dumbest and/or best idea wins. And when we run out of cards, we run out of cards. So while we wait on Gino to come back from the dead. Man, he has died in service gladiating for glizzies.
Justin "The Juice"
He choked on a glizzy. Oh, he's back.
Caleb
Yep. He came back. CPR.
Geno
I had to go recycle some beer.
Caleb
Yeah. We can call Leo up, tell him that we don't need a replacement host anymore. So, all right, let's kick off this round. Uh, I am the first judge. And our black card is How to Scare the Public. All right. So let's see how these degenerates I share this podcast with have chosen to play.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, there's 2 answers here that would just— It depends.
Caleb
Uh, yeah. Round 1 goes to Stellantis. It doesn't matter who wins. Stellantis won this round.
Geno
Neither of these vehicles were made by Stellantis.
Caleb
Well, the corporate entity—
Justin "The Juice"
Retroactive.
Caleb
The corporate entity that was hollowed out by the Germans and then left as a shambling corpse to become Stellantis, I should say. So we have a '97 Dodge Viper or an '89 Dodge Caravan Turbo.
Justin "The Juice"
Now, does the Caravan have a hater pipe?
Caleb
Does the Caravan have a hater pipe? If it has a hater pipe, then I gotta go for the Caravan. If it don't have a hater pipe, man, you can shoot some pretty good flames out of a Viper.
Geno
I mean, there's no reason it couldn't have a hater pipe.
Caleb
This is true.
Justin "The Juice"
But does it?
Geno
I mean, if it's owned by one of us, we all know it does.
Justin "The Juice"
And a big fat HKS blow-off valve.
Geno
With a duck call on it.
Justin "The Juice"
With a duck call.
Caleb
All right, I'm going with the Caravan.
Justin "The Juice"
That's scarier to the general public than a stock Viper.
Caleb
All right. Which one of y'all do mas add via caravan? That sounds very—
Geno
Oh, that was me.
Caleb
1 point for Vegino. Justin, your turn to judge.
Justin "The Juice"
Alright. So, the black card says, damn, I really love my blank. Runs 7s all day.
Caleb
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. So our 2 choices are a rat-infested Porsche 944S or a 2017 Smart Fortwo with a manual transmission. Oh boy. Well, uh, what, what, what are we running 7s at? Like a 32nd of a mile?
Geno
7 minutes.
Justin "The Juice"
7 minutes.
Caleb
7 rats.
Geno
I mean, there's nothing that says that Smart doesn't have a Gixxer motor in it.
Justin "The Juice"
That's what I was thinking. So I'm going with the smart baby.
Geno
I'll take the win.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, Gino again.
Caleb
Bearer of 7 cases of Hantavirus.
Justin "The Juice"
In the smart— in the— in the— yeah, in the Porsche. All right, Gino, it's your time to shine.
Geno
All righty. Oh no, you're homeless. Good thing you drive a—
Justin "The Juice"
Oh boy. Oh, there's only one answer.
Caleb
I had the perfect card for this.
Geno
Let's see, we got a, we got a 2001 Chevrolet Astro, which not a bad deal, but, uh, looking at this, the winner is gonna be the 1986 Vixen motorhome.
Justin "The Juice"
Although The gas mileage.
Geno
One might be able to argue that having a motorhome makes one not homeless.
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, true.
Geno
Still going with the Vixen.
Caleb
You know, that one is me. Can't blame you. I will take that for the win. And now the Dollar Store Supra.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh boy.
Caleb
I can tell you right now, we're gonna have some good ones.
Geno
Let's see here. Oh, this is tough. Um, We're gonna go with that one.
Caleb
All right, so our choices for the dollar store Supra: the 1989 Volvo 780 Bertone Turbo. Very classy dollar store Supra. Or the 1994 Nissan Gloria Gran Turismo Ultima, which has too many doors. So, Bertone it is.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes!
Caleb
All right, so, a point to the Juice.
Justin "The Juice"
Let's go.
Caleb
And we're gonna discard some cards. All right.
Justin "The Juice"
Glove didn't fit.
Caleb
You musta quit.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Why do I keep getting the same idea for the— for my black card? All right. Yeah, it runs 7s.
Caleb
There we go. This one's just classy.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, I got it. All right, so 1991 Gurgel BR 800 or a 2013 Volkswagen Kombi Last Edition? Bro, it's the Gurgel.
Caleb
It's gotta be.
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Who's, who's the Gurgel?
Geno
That was me. Again, that was 7 minutes.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my goodness. Yeah, 7 minutes.
Caleb
Bosozoku time.
Justin "The Juice"
It's Bosozoku time?
Caleb
Yeah, that's the card. That's the black card that, uh— Oh, I know, I'm just playing along.
Geno
Oh, okay, let's see. Let me judge. I'm very judgy here. Well, all right. Oh boy, are we, uh, are we, uh, are we gonna both— Uh, 2010 Dodge Dakota with your ex-wife's name on the side window, or an HHR lift on lifted square body chassis with mudders?
Caleb
I mean, the HHR, like, doing an HHR like that, but you're already about halfway to bosozoku.
Justin "The Juice"
Bosozoku isn't lifted. Bosozoku's slammed. Slam that Dakota with your ex-wife's name on the side window with some pipes out the back, and those Dakotas have V8s.
Caleb
But the thing is, part of being bosozoku is being the biggest possible menace to everyone around you. And that HHR with the mutters is well on its way.
Geno
I mean, like, these are both vehicles owned by the kind of person you don't want to sit next to on public transit.
Caleb
Yeah.
Geno
Oh geez, this is a toughie, but, uh, like a lifted HHR with a 6-foot-long exhaust tip sticking in the air is objectively funnier.
Justin "The Juice"
Can we at least put the, uh, the ex-wife's name on the side window of it too?
Geno
Oh, which one?
Justin "The Juice"
Absolutely.
Geno
That guy has at least 3 ex-wives. One of them, like, one of them is the same woman twice.
Justin "The Juice"
All of them named Tammy. All right, that goes to Caleb.
Caleb
All right, I will gladly take that card. All right, found at the bottom of a boat launch ramp. What did y'all dig up? All right.
Justin "The Juice"
How?
Caleb
The options are the Yugo Great Value Luxury Edition or the 2003 Bluebird school bus.
Justin "The Juice"
How are you fitting the school bus?
Geno
You know, there could be a drop-off past the end of that ramp. You don't know.
Justin "The Juice"
It's deep.
Caleb
True. But that Yugo is just— I think I'm going with the school bus.
Geno
That's because people who own Yugos don't own boats.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but they put— they, they drove it down the ramp to get rid of it.
Caleb
All right, so I'm going for school bus. Who had it?
Geno
That was me.
Caleb
Damn.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh boy, you just robbed a bank and your getaway driver fled without you. What car in the parking lot did you steal? All right, 2 options are either a 2024 Mullen One, which is like an electric van, or a 1991 Ford Taurus SHO. That's badass. You stole the SHO. Who has the SHO?
Geno
I always do.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God, Gino's running away with it.
Caleb
Yeah, he's walking away with this one.
Geno
All right, Postman Pat's Whip at Home.
Caleb
Uh, all right, here we go.
Geno
It's also somehow a Grumman LLV. Let's see, is it a clapped-out 2007 Lincoln Navigator? Or a Ferrari red '88 Fiat Premio.
Justin "The Juice"
Ooh, what kind of Brit is he? These are— which, which way, British man?
Geno
I'm going with the Fiat.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, he would have a red car too.
Caleb
He would. I will take that one.
Justin "The Juice"
19— wait, this is you, Caleb.
Caleb
Yep. It's 1997. You're 89 years old. Yes, you're buying a new car. Don't tell me what to do, you whippersnappers.
Justin "The Juice"
There's only one answer.
Caleb
All right, so the options are a '95 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS with a Fast and the Furious body kit and no front bumper, or a Nissan Stagea RS4V. '97 model. You gotta go with Festagio.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes! I finally got one. I said there's only one answer, and it's a '97.
Caleb
It is the '97. It is technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.
Justin "The Juice"
Yes, it is. All right, you're retiring. What's the whip?
Geno
Ooh, oh, I've got some good ones for this.
Caleb
Yep, mine is good.
Geno
Oh boy, let's see. Oh boy.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, we either got a '71 'Cuda or a '72 Toronado. I'm retiring. I'm taking the Toronado. It's more comfortable.
Geno
Yeah, of course you are. That's, that's an old man's car.
Caleb
Yes, it is.
Geno
That's why it's in the name. It's an oldsmobile.
Caleb
Man, I still would have gone with the Voodoo.
Justin "The Juice"
Is that Gino again?
Caleb
That was Gino again.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God.
Caleb
We are going to have a cut here for our A Word from Our sponsor this week is ChemiColor. Limpa contacto. You need to clean a contact? ChemiColor. We also have Autolite as a sponsor of this week's—
Justin "The Juice"
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Caleb
So get your Autolite relays today.
Justin "The Juice"
And 10-year-old Black Magic interior detailer. It smells pretty good, actually, and it worked pretty good, and it's non-greasy, so it's much easier to wipe off windows after detailing the interior hard surfaces with proper window cleaner.
Caleb
We also have really fancy Granado cologne for when we don't want to smell like gasoline and used motor oil.
Geno
Excellent. And Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor.
Justin "The Juice"
Available only in the finest.
Caleb
Fine might be a little bit of a stretch for Mickey's.
Justin "The Juice"
Available only in the finest.
Geno
You know what? It's got puzzles under the cap and that's fun.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, let's keep going.
Geno
Milwaukee.
Caleb
Let's keep going.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, Gino, I think it's you.
Geno
You're right, it is. And there ain't no replacement for displacement.
Justin "The Juice"
Well, I got a great one.
Geno
All right, we got a 1977 Volkswagen Brasília. Or a 1966 Ford Galaxy 500. I'm tempted to go with the incorrect answer, but no, it's the Ford Galaxy.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah!
Geno
That's a dope car.
Justin "The Juice"
It's got 500 of them. It's got 500 displacements.
Geno
That's a lot of displacements.
Caleb
It's got 500 Galaxies worth of displacement.
Justin "The Juice"
Alrighty. Oh my God, this card.
Geno
Oh, there's only one car in my thing that's right for this one.
Caleb
So, you black out after a ketamine overdose. When you come to, you are a street racer in the Initial D universe. Which car do you choose? We have a 1993 Nissan Sentra with a Mexican flag paint job.
Geno
Put that picture in the show notes.
Caleb
The Italdesign Aztec. I gotta go with the Sentra.
Geno
Oh, seeing that, seeing No, I had the Atelier Aztec.
Justin "The Juice"
Seeing that, if you can imagine seeing that in the Initial D manga, I would, I would lose it.
Caleb
Yeah, gotta go with Fisandra. All right.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh my God. Of course, of course this is the card I get. All right, well, how'd you know I was gay?
Geno
All right, well, there's no wrong answers here.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, I think there's a point to both of y'all. Uh, we either got a Ford fucking Ranger or a 2001 Volkswagen Golf GTI VR6 with a Fast and Furious body kit. Oof.
Caleb
I'm— This is a tough one.
Justin "The Juice"
I, I— this is a real tough one, but I legitimately know more queers— not derogatory, uh, uh, uh, uh, what's the opposite of derogatory?
Caleb
Uh, shit.
Justin "The Juice"
I'm queer. It's all good. You know what I mean?
Geno
Yeah.
Justin "The Juice"
Um, I know more queers with goddamn Ford fucking Rangers than I do Volkswagens, so I'm gonna go—
Caleb
Same.
Justin "The Juice"
With the Ford fucking Ranger.
Geno
Some of the, some of the gayest people I know drive Ford fucking Rangers.
Justin "The Juice"
It's true. So, uh, let's see who gets that.
Caleb
That would be a me.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, hell yeah, you know what's up, Caleb.
Caleb
I absolutely do.
Geno
All right, what's the best car to drive home quickly in while having to poop? God, you're not getting anywhere quickly in either of these. We got a 1960 Rambler or a 2001 Eurovan camper. Like, at least the Eurovan— did those have a— did those have a composting toilet or anything in them?
Caleb
I think they did.
Geno
Well, I think we gotta go with that one then, because like the Rambler, you're not getting home anytime this hour.
Caleb
That was me.
Justin "The Juice"
I was just thinking you might be at least relatively comfortable. It's, it's one of those momentum cars.
Caleb
All right. Imagine you're the producer of the BBC's Top Gear in the year 2008. It's the Russia special. What vehicle is the backup punishment car?
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, a perfect answer. Easy.
Caleb
Okay, so the options are a 1999 Ford Expedition XLT model, so we're getting fancy, with the 4.6 V8. Okay.
Justin "The Juice"
No, that's not fancy. That's base. Or the Expedition only came in XLT or Eddie Bauer, and Eddie Bauer had the 5.4 and air suspension. You don't want it.
Caleb
Or a 1981 Fiat Spider with structural rust holding up the center support bearing. Now, as a previous owner of a brown 1981 Fiat Spider that had structural rust holding up the center support bearing. I am having— I have to go with that one.
Justin "The Juice"
So who got it? As a punishment car in Siberia? Yeah.
Caleb
Yeah. So who had the Fiat?
Justin "The Juice"
That was me.
Caleb
You know me well.
Justin "The Juice"
Hey, we're evening out points-wise.
Caleb
We are.
Justin "The Juice"
All right. Oh, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cough and use this as part of the character. Honey, I'm at the furniture store and I just bought a couch. Bring the car. Oh, I need another pack.
Caleb
Too many of them and you'll, you'll get your Alex Jones jewels down.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, honey, they gave me a real good deal. It's only 4.6, uh, percent APR on this couch. You gotta— yeah, you gotta— yeah, yeah, yeah, bring, bring the— yeah, you got— oh yeah, yeah, yeah, bring the, the 1964 DKW V-Mag. Oh no, no, no, not that. Actually bring the 2005 Lexus IS300 with a loud exhaust. I gotta go with the, uh, the DKW. It's the— it's not gonna fit in the Lexus.
Geno
Yeah, it's gonna fit in that though.
Caleb
Yep, somehow.
Justin "The Juice"
Who's, who's that?
Caleb
That was a genius.
Geno
That was me.
Justin "The Juice"
There you go.
Geno
All right, all right, gentlemen, what is the car that Attila the Hun would drive?
Caleb
Ooh, that's a good one. There's only one choice for this.
Geno
All right, here we go.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, messy sack.
Geno
Uh, let's see, is Attila driving a '73 Ford Econoline high-top camper or an '84 Silverado 2500 crew cab?
Justin "The Juice"
Wait, let me add one detail to the Ford Econoline high-top camper before, before you make a decision. It's got a Confederate flag inside of it.
Geno
I mean, those just come that way factory, don't they?
Justin "The Juice"
I just wanted to make sure you, you knew.
Geno
Yeah, but I feel like the, the Silverado has a, uh, has one of those Sovjet license plates. And I feel like Attila is a citizen upon the land.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah, but he's nomadic. He would have a camper.
Caleb
But with a crew cab 2500, he could haul—
Justin "The Juice"
He could fit his whole crew.
Caleb
Yeah, he could haul his whole crew. And have a gooseneck on the back for the horses.
Geno
You know what though? Like you can lift them. I'm going with the Econoline high top.
Justin "The Juice"
Yeah.
Caleb
Man, can't win them all. Beepity beep. Beepity beep. The 2009 Motor Trend Truck of the Year. All right, our options are a 1987 Toyota Dolphin RV. Or a 1992 Chevrolet Lumina Z24, which has probably hauled more than any 2009 model pickup. So I'm going with the Lumina.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, but the Dolphin is one of those Toyota pickup RVs. You know what I'm talking about?
Caleb
True. But sometimes you just need the absurdity. All right.
Justin "The Juice"
Okay, so the year is 2005. You're looking to hard park on the Jersey Shore to pick up some absolutely gorgeous babes. What car are you taking?
Caleb
There is only one option for this.
Justin "The Juice"
We got a 1991 Gurgel BR800 with a Gol BX swap or an '86 VW Scirocco. I'm going Scirocco.
Geno
Of course you are. Babes, babes are drawn to the Scirocco.
Justin "The Juice"
Dig Sciroccos. Is that you, Gino?
Caleb
That was a Gino. Yeah.
Geno
All right, all right, we got to get the band to the next gig. Okay.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, it's a Woody.
Caleb
I know what I would pick.
Geno
I— yeah, I mean, uh, oh boy. So they're both good choices. I mean, it's between a '62 Continental or an '86 LeBaron Town and Country Turbo Wagon. And it really comes down to one question: is that Continental a drop-top?
Caleb
Yes, it is.
Geno
Well, it's still got to be the '86 Town and Country Turbo Wagon because you can't fit a drum kit in the back of that Continental.
Justin "The Juice"
And it's a Woody, and that was mine.
Caleb
Alrighty. The antisocial mobile. We have for the antisocial mobile, the 1984 Porsche 944.
Geno
Ooh.
Caleb
Or the 2013 Troller T4. And I'm gonna go with the Troller.
Geno
I mean, it's a Troller.
Justin "The Juice"
It is a Troller.
Caleb
It is indeed a Troller.
Justin "The Juice"
You know, I was thinking with the Porsche, I was thinking like Patrick Bateman spec.
Geno
All right.
Justin "The Juice"
All right, so, uh, all right, last round. Needs a turbo.
Geno
I've only got one card for this, so I've got a few that could work, but we're going with this one.
Justin "The Juice"
Oh, we got— we, we, we start and we end with Stellantis. It is always Stellantis. Forever. Everything forever will always be Stellantis. We have a 1993 Plymouth Sundance Duster or a 1989 Dodge Dakota Sport Convertible. So, um, the thing is both of these need a turbo. Uh, the Plymouth had a turbo in '90 but not in '93, but in '93 it had a V6, uh, 3-liter. So slap a turbo on that bitch and we're moving. I'm going Plymouth.
Caleb
I got it.
Geno
You got it. That 3.0 had some beans stock. Like, that thing with a turbo on it would be a sick car.
Justin "The Juice"
It would be.
Caleb
All right, so our point totals. Gino is the grand winner with 10, followed by Justin the Juice with 7, and I'm bringing up the rear with 6.
Justin "The Juice"
So pretty good.
Caleb
We prove yet again we have one actually funny person on this podcast. So any last words for our listeners before we send them off into the, uh, great highway of the coming week?
Justin "The Juice"
Uh, I'm freaking hungry and I'm gonna get some food.
Geno
You probably need a coolant flush.
Caleb
All right. Coolant flush.
Geno
Feed yourself.
Justin "The Juice"
And don't forget to check your oil.
Caleb
Don't forget to check your oil. We'll see y'all next week.
Justin "The Juice"
Bye.
Geno
What? Bye, y'all.
Caleb
See y'all next week.